It's been a year now.
It was about this time last year that my husband finally became unwound. It would be our last Christmas together as a family. Then New Year's rolled around and he came unglued completely and left.
So what do I think of all of this now that a year has gone by?
In sum, the man that desperately wanted out is still out, but has yet to file the papers to be "free of me." I don't know why. I'm sure he thinks its because he can't afford a divorce. Let him think what he wants as long as he pays for the house and the truck and gives me money for the kids.
But how do I feel about it all?
I guess I still feel for him. I guess if he were to tell me he was seeking help I would be loyal and faithful and stand by his side. But why? Was he ever loyal and faithful to me? What is it about him that I still love? What has he given me other then two kids and a lot of debt? I guess I need to keep working on me more. I have got him framed as the father of our kids and my business partner. That much keeps me sane.
What has this year brought to me?
I lost a husband, but I found myself. I'm not the scared timid mouse I was. I confront again and stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to try new things, and I'm very much an over achiever. It's nice to succeed at things and not be slapped in a passive agressive manner. He always said how proud he was of me and how much he supported me, but he was very quick with insults and back handed compliments to remind me how little he did think of me.
No, I don't want him back. I have been relaxed and happy for the most part this year. My kids are doing better. My daughter is growing up and I have her growing more involved with things that I hope will make her a better person. Most importantly, we have had peaceful holidays. The kids and I could relax and just enjoy what we wanted to do without someone prancing about making us nuts. He couldn't stand to be home, so he would run this way and that. His moods would swing from "I hate holidays and pout," to being "over the top" happy. It was always like he was trying to prove something to himself or to us that he wanted to be with us when all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could.
Well now he has what he wants. He lives alone in an RV trailer in an RV park. He has his phone and computer to keep him connected to the true love of his life, a married woman in Australia with three kids. He doesn't have to give her any thing more then he wants to give and turn her off when he wants. She is a bigger fool then he is for letting him take advantage. They deserve each other. He doesn't have to be emotionally responsible to anyone now. Just write checks and let others take care of the rest. He is in the cat bird seat. I wish him a long, lonely life if he is unwilling to seek the help he needs to live a full life.
I am not going to be defeated by it all. I sink into despair sometimes. I feel sorry for myself to be in such a situation. Living without a loving husband, and having a solid and secure family. But then I remember that we are all responsible our own choices. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be the foundation and support for my kids. I will be there for them, and I will love them unconditionally.
There will be no secrets, and they will feel what it is to have their opinions and feelings respected They will learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. It is the legacy I want to leave them, so that perhaps I can take this yoke of insecurity and disfunction away from them. To have them be confident and happy in their lives is the most important gift I can give them.
Merry Christmas, peace on earth, for this year it is merry and there is peace and in time the part of my life that is vacant will be filled with the good things that should have been there always.
Welcome to my new blog. One that is about me, for me.
Let the adventure begin.
It was about this time last year that my husband finally became unwound. It would be our last Christmas together as a family. Then New Year's rolled around and he came unglued completely and left.
So what do I think of all of this now that a year has gone by?
In sum, the man that desperately wanted out is still out, but has yet to file the papers to be "free of me." I don't know why. I'm sure he thinks its because he can't afford a divorce. Let him think what he wants as long as he pays for the house and the truck and gives me money for the kids.
But how do I feel about it all?
I guess I still feel for him. I guess if he were to tell me he was seeking help I would be loyal and faithful and stand by his side. But why? Was he ever loyal and faithful to me? What is it about him that I still love? What has he given me other then two kids and a lot of debt? I guess I need to keep working on me more. I have got him framed as the father of our kids and my business partner. That much keeps me sane.
What has this year brought to me?
I lost a husband, but I found myself. I'm not the scared timid mouse I was. I confront again and stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to try new things, and I'm very much an over achiever. It's nice to succeed at things and not be slapped in a passive agressive manner. He always said how proud he was of me and how much he supported me, but he was very quick with insults and back handed compliments to remind me how little he did think of me.
No, I don't want him back. I have been relaxed and happy for the most part this year. My kids are doing better. My daughter is growing up and I have her growing more involved with things that I hope will make her a better person. Most importantly, we have had peaceful holidays. The kids and I could relax and just enjoy what we wanted to do without someone prancing about making us nuts. He couldn't stand to be home, so he would run this way and that. His moods would swing from "I hate holidays and pout," to being "over the top" happy. It was always like he was trying to prove something to himself or to us that he wanted to be with us when all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could.
Well now he has what he wants. He lives alone in an RV trailer in an RV park. He has his phone and computer to keep him connected to the true love of his life, a married woman in Australia with three kids. He doesn't have to give her any thing more then he wants to give and turn her off when he wants. She is a bigger fool then he is for letting him take advantage. They deserve each other. He doesn't have to be emotionally responsible to anyone now. Just write checks and let others take care of the rest. He is in the cat bird seat. I wish him a long, lonely life if he is unwilling to seek the help he needs to live a full life.
I am not going to be defeated by it all. I sink into despair sometimes. I feel sorry for myself to be in such a situation. Living without a loving husband, and having a solid and secure family. But then I remember that we are all responsible our own choices. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be the foundation and support for my kids. I will be there for them, and I will love them unconditionally.
There will be no secrets, and they will feel what it is to have their opinions and feelings respected They will learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. It is the legacy I want to leave them, so that perhaps I can take this yoke of insecurity and disfunction away from them. To have them be confident and happy in their lives is the most important gift I can give them.
Merry Christmas, peace on earth, for this year it is merry and there is peace and in time the part of my life that is vacant will be filled with the good things that should have been there always.
Welcome to my new blog. One that is about me, for me.
Let the adventure begin.
