It's been a year.
One year ago, my husband left us. He cited all kinds of reasons, but none of them made sense. The only thing that made sense was, "he just didn't want to be married." At times, he seemed remorseful and willing to talk things out, but as soon as we got just a little bit close to getting at the root of the issue, the "protector" came out.
The protector is a term I give to that part of his personality that protects him from feeling anything. He is hard and callous. He will accept no wrong and refuses help to get well. He doesn't want to change and so he condemns himself to a life of loneliness. In those moments when the protector is asleep, that part of him that doesn't really want to be alone comes out and can be reasoned with. He has no self esteem and feels strongly that he is undeserving of his family and of me.
He knows that we are doing well, that I am doing well and he wallows in self-pity. He plays the victim, unable to change, unable to feel, unable to have friends. As soon as any human kindness is shown to him, the protector wakes up and rushes in to his defense. He seals off the doors and windows and protects that which is vulnerable from being spoken too.
I gave it one more attempt. I tried to show compassion and understanding.
"I tried" is as far as it got.
Within 8 hours of what was a productive conversation, the protector was back and beating back any further attempts to reason. He won't talk about his fears, he won't talk about why he is afraid to change and get help. He doesn't want to change.
Sadder then losing a husband, this family has lost its father.
It is beyond my thinking that anyone would walk away from the needs of their family. His only justification is that he can't handle conflict. What that really means is he can't handle conflict where he is at the center and is clearly in the wrong. What that really means is, he has no desire to understand or have compassion for anyone but himself.
He is capable of feeling. He is very capable of loving and being loved. But it is too much effort on his part to put the work into any relationship. Everything flows to him. He is a black hole.
He wants divorce, but he says he can't afford it.
Therefore, I will do what he most likely doesn't believe I will do and I will file the paper work. I am not sure when my dispersement money from college will arrive, but when it does, I will pay the retaining fees and get all of this started and finished.
He will be "free," but more importantly, the kids and I will be free of him. In the end it doesn't matter who files first, it just matters that this situation finally be resolved.
One year has been more then generous. He used that time to think of nothing but his own skin. I wonder just how long it will be once he's free for him to forget not just me, but all of us.
So for now, I'm very sad that this could not be resolved, but I know it is the right thing to do. As I told him, "by setting him free, I set myself free."
One year ago, my husband left us. He cited all kinds of reasons, but none of them made sense. The only thing that made sense was, "he just didn't want to be married." At times, he seemed remorseful and willing to talk things out, but as soon as we got just a little bit close to getting at the root of the issue, the "protector" came out.
The protector is a term I give to that part of his personality that protects him from feeling anything. He is hard and callous. He will accept no wrong and refuses help to get well. He doesn't want to change and so he condemns himself to a life of loneliness. In those moments when the protector is asleep, that part of him that doesn't really want to be alone comes out and can be reasoned with. He has no self esteem and feels strongly that he is undeserving of his family and of me.
He knows that we are doing well, that I am doing well and he wallows in self-pity. He plays the victim, unable to change, unable to feel, unable to have friends. As soon as any human kindness is shown to him, the protector wakes up and rushes in to his defense. He seals off the doors and windows and protects that which is vulnerable from being spoken too.
I gave it one more attempt. I tried to show compassion and understanding.
"I tried" is as far as it got.
Within 8 hours of what was a productive conversation, the protector was back and beating back any further attempts to reason. He won't talk about his fears, he won't talk about why he is afraid to change and get help. He doesn't want to change.
Sadder then losing a husband, this family has lost its father.
It is beyond my thinking that anyone would walk away from the needs of their family. His only justification is that he can't handle conflict. What that really means is he can't handle conflict where he is at the center and is clearly in the wrong. What that really means is, he has no desire to understand or have compassion for anyone but himself.
He is capable of feeling. He is very capable of loving and being loved. But it is too much effort on his part to put the work into any relationship. Everything flows to him. He is a black hole.
He wants divorce, but he says he can't afford it.
Therefore, I will do what he most likely doesn't believe I will do and I will file the paper work. I am not sure when my dispersement money from college will arrive, but when it does, I will pay the retaining fees and get all of this started and finished.
He will be "free," but more importantly, the kids and I will be free of him. In the end it doesn't matter who files first, it just matters that this situation finally be resolved.
One year has been more then generous. He used that time to think of nothing but his own skin. I wonder just how long it will be once he's free for him to forget not just me, but all of us.
So for now, I'm very sad that this could not be resolved, but I know it is the right thing to do. As I told him, "by setting him free, I set myself free."
