Well here I am getting ready to call it a day.  It's been kind of an odd week.  Can't explain it too well, other than this is one of those nights, where I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I'm trying to figure out where the avoidance part of my personality got started.  Maybe it was when I realized I have always been on the outside looking in at close friendships.  I'm not trying to beat myself up here.  I have this brain that thinks analytically you see.  So no, I'm not sad or emotional when I write this.

I haven't been the center of the group, except when I teach.  My students look up to me, or at least try to figure out why I'm so odd I guess.  But that puts me in the center of the attention.  I control what happens and when.

My social circles aren't like that.  I pretty much am stuck to the outside looking in at all those close friendships and realizing I'm not really part of that.  I have been blessed with people that allow me to be friends with them.  They are very active people in their own right, so getting time with them to just plan something for the weekend isn't happening very well.

I kind of took on the role of keeping the ball rolling, but the response to the notices and idea exchanges is getting less and less.  I guess I should take the silence as a hint, that I'm no longer "cute" but perhaps, "annoying."

So, I have decided that no matter what, I would go on and do things for myself. 

I put the invitation out there, but I'm not going to sit alone at home and bemoan that no one would do things with me.  I'm going to push through and even if it means doing things stag, I will still do them.

I could be miserable at home alone, OR I could be doing something that may be fun, and yeah, it would be more fun with others, but I don't need others to make me happy. 

So maybe I am finally growing up.  I really don't like being alone.  I don't like doing things alone.  But had I not gone on vacation alone, I would never have experienced Savannah, nor would I have got to meet and share the experiences of interesting people from all over.  Those experiences are my experience now and they are priceless.

I'll go to the dinner theater, and I will sit with other groups and kinda blend in with them and maybe be welcomed into their conversations.  I am going to do this fun walk, and even though I represent only me, I'm sure there will be others along the way to share conversation with.

I will keep going out to eat on my own and sit up at the bar and just talk to people, even if it is just the bartender because each time I do, I get a bit better at being a whole person. 

I don't want to be needy.  I want to set my own pace and walk my own path and share it with whoever is also on that same path for however brief it is.

I had a wonderful time in NYC and I shared it with some awesome women.  We have had the experience of getting out together twice since.  It may most likely be the last time together, but I am better for it.

The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was assuming I didn't need anyone else because I had my ex-husband.  That is when I stopped being an individual and became just property.  He may have treated my like property, but I was the one that gave him permission to do so.

I'm not property and I'm valuable and worth knowing, even if that is just for a 2.5 mile walk around downtown Johnson City.