The day of love.

Sadly, I'm not in love.  Well, maybe I am but it is misguided.  There is this kernel of him still there inside of my head and my heart that I would pay any amount of money for a surgeon to remove.

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to deal with it.  I do know that today only bothered me a .. little.  It's not like I was getting anything awesome.  When I did get these amazing flowers and dinner out I thought I was "queen of the world."  Truth was, it was just him trying to convince himself that he loved me.

I think that has been the hardest thing to take in through all of this.  I know that I'm not un-loveable.  I may be hard to love, but I'm far from un-loveable.  It was just, he wasn't in love with me.  I would like to think that he was at one time.  Truth is, I don't know and probably will never know.  I think he was in love with the idea of "being in love" just as I was in love with the idea of having a relationship.

Let us be brutally honest here.  I don't think either one of us was truely, in love with the other.  We were both, in love with ourselves and we romanced the notion of a relationship.  We never worked on being in one.

That is hard for me to say, because here I was committed to something that I would have stayed with until death.  I even had two children in it.

I told him I loved him every day, multiple times.  There, as Shakespeare would say, "is the rub."  I had to keep saying it.  Maybe he was right when he asked, "who was I trying to convince?"

I still say it, out loud when I'm alone, or think I am alone.  It just comes out like some sort of nervous "tick."  It is getting less, but it is still there, and I think on him far more then I should.  Even in writing this, he is there haunting me.

I don't cry so much any more if at all, but I have grown indifferent to the thought of love for myself.  I know great guys are still out there, some of whom have been equally hurt or coming to the same conclusions I have been coming too, wondering, is there anyone out there for them?

One of my friends after being single for a very long time announced her engagement.  I was happy for her and sad for me.  One more kindred spirit going over to the "dark side" of couple-ness. 

I've been thinking a lot about the adult mentors in my life.  I can't really think of one woman I really looked up too.  The mentors that made a huge difference in my life were the men. It is why I go out of my way to TRY and bond with other woman and develop same sex relationships before trying to go out and find a male companion.

So what is on tap for me in the near future?  What bucket items do I need to cross off the list?

For one, I think I'm going to try and do the 4K fun walk for the Chasing Snakes marathon run.  I think I can walk 4 kilometers.  It is something I have never done, and I'm sure it would a lot of fun and may get me out meeting new people.

I will probably die after becoming such a slug this winter, but I want to try.  It will be in the city, so the roads should be relatively flat and in good condition, unlike where I live out here in the foot hills.

So Happy Valentine's Day.  It is a happy day because I have two awesome kids and they make up the difference so much.  I don't think I could have gotten through what I did without being focused on them.  But, as the "adult" I need to separate and find new outlets so I don't become over dependent on them and keep them from living their own lives.

I am a very strong person.  I have learned that.  I will work through this last stage of grief and I will be a better person for it.