I don't understand dreams.

I don't know if they are just replaying of memories twisted by that odd bit of curry the night before or if they are fresh revelations.

I just don't know what they are.

I do know that they are annoying for the most part.  I never seem to have "good dreams."  They seem to me to be stresses that my mind is trying to deal with.  All the hurt and fear seem to come out during my dreams.  When I was married, the dreams centered around him cheating on me and being cruel to me.  When my sister and father died, they were conversations that I wish I had when they were alive.  The oddest being my ex's father who came to me only once and said, "I'm sorry."  How odd is that dream?

Last night it was finally facing my ex and seeing the new wedding ring on his finger.  I imagine it is impressive, after all her loves her!  I always wanted to get him a new band with diamonds encrusted.  I'm glad I didn't waste the money.  However, I can't help thinking that his new band is probably pretty nice.

I guess what annoys me most is that he was cultivating his new relationship while we were married.  He groomed and pursued it instead of putting that effort into us.  I would have killed for just a 1/4 of the attention he showed her instead of the leftovers I was constantly getting.  Of course now that he has her, he will have to always carry in the back of his mind how easy it was for his lovely bride to betray her first husband.  It will always be there - no amount of affection will take back 10 years of betrayal.  I'm sure it will haunt his already paranoid mind.

So he dumps me and she dumps her husband and they quickly, and I do mean quickly consumate their love.  He is "winning" in all the same meaning as Charlie Sheen would give it.

This really should "close the book" on this sad tale.  In many ways this is the least angry and indifferent I have ever written on this topic.  I mean that.. I really am not feeling one thing at this moment.  So why am I still having these dreams?

Maybe I'm deceiving myself that I'm not really bothered by it all.  Or maybe I'm just a bit jealous that he would remarry so quickly.  I knew he wouldn't stay alone long.  I just wonder how long they will stay married?  My luck they will live out the rest of their days in total bliss while the rest of us continue to carve some new identity for ourselves.

Quite the way to find an easy mate.  Find someone else's and just conduct a nonstop cyber affair. Out of the pan and right into the fire.

God preserves the wicked.  I guess I will have to accept that they may just live a long and happy life together.

It takes a long time to refocus one's thinking away from what causes pain and put it on things more healthy.  I have to keep examining my motivations as to what makes me do what I do.  This dream, might very well be a signal that my OWN motivations are wrong.

I should not want to be with someone just to feel "normal."  Sure it would be nice to share life with another suitable person but I'm thinking that the truth of the matter is, I may be once again giving into conformity.

How many successes am I going to have to have before I realize that I am a complete and functioning adult?  When will I stop fearing the worse in things?  There are always solutions even if they aren't the most apparent.  I will find those solutions because that is what I do best.

Live long and prosper ex husband with your new wife.

You both did me a huge favor.