Three words that for a person like me, if I don't hear them I get panic attacks.
I would walk around while alone and just blurt out, "I love you ____" fill in the name of who I loved, and they wouldn't even be there to hear it. I do it without thinking, because I have to say the words, and hope to hear the reply, "I love you too."
The reply never comes because, well, I'm alone. So I decided to try something new as part of my re-wiring process. I now purposely put my own name at the end. If I must say "I love you," then let it at least be about me. "Fake it till you make it." has been a favorite saying of mine. By verbalizing to myself that I love me, eventually my head will get it and start to believe it.
Even if things can work out between myself and my husband, I never want to be dependent on him or anyone again for my happiness. This doesn't mean I don't want relationships, but I want healthy ones, and why I think I will never find that with him. I know if he wants to change he is capable of changing, but sometimes the things that have to happen can't happen together.
I'm beginning the process today of separating my life from his financially. I hate every minute of it, but it has to be done. Every nightmare has to end sooner or later. This will end someday too and I'll be okay.
I would walk around while alone and just blurt out, "I love you ____" fill in the name of who I loved, and they wouldn't even be there to hear it. I do it without thinking, because I have to say the words, and hope to hear the reply, "I love you too."
The reply never comes because, well, I'm alone. So I decided to try something new as part of my re-wiring process. I now purposely put my own name at the end. If I must say "I love you," then let it at least be about me. "Fake it till you make it." has been a favorite saying of mine. By verbalizing to myself that I love me, eventually my head will get it and start to believe it.
Even if things can work out between myself and my husband, I never want to be dependent on him or anyone again for my happiness. This doesn't mean I don't want relationships, but I want healthy ones, and why I think I will never find that with him. I know if he wants to change he is capable of changing, but sometimes the things that have to happen can't happen together.
I'm beginning the process today of separating my life from his financially. I hate every minute of it, but it has to be done. Every nightmare has to end sooner or later. This will end someday too and I'll be okay.
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