Hello and welcome to my first blog post. It's not really a first blog, as I have blogged under other names in the past, but this blog is different for me. I use to write about a time when I was hiding in online worlds as a virtual me. My virtual self lived a whole life of adventure and new experiences that plain old real me didn't do. Then two-years ago, my husband shattered my world with talk of divorce and I woke up from a near 6 year coma. I said goodbye to my virtual self and began the painful road back to being just, myself.
It is a road that I am still on today. I held on to my husband a few short years more thinking we had turned the tide only to be crushed again with his final announcement that he definitely wants a divorce. Unlike last time though, I'm not so helpless and I'm definitely not in a coma. I have had a lot of positive change in my life. This blog is my journal. I publish it on the Internet, because right now, someone else is out there who just woke up from a coma of their own, or maybe you have been doing all the right things you thought like I did these last two-years and it wasn't enough. I'm not a therapist, but I am someone in recovery. I am recovering from the need to be loved so much that the fear of abandonment let me accept behavior that should not have been accepted and kept me from raising children that were secure. I loved them, and I fed them and I was there for all the "stuff" that parents are suppose to be there for, but I failed them just the same. I put the wants and needs of everyone else ahead of mine for fear they would reject me if I didn't.
I married a man that has his own issues with love, only his are those of avoidance. This blog isn't about him, nor do I intend to use it as a way to "punch back." He is responsible for himself, and I have no effect on what he does. We are still married, we live in the same house for financial reasons, but we are emotionally and to a point physically separated. For how many months, I don't know.
So why do I thank George Strait? About a year ago, I heard his song, "She Let Herself Go" on the radio, and I thought of my situation. I liked the thought of the song of a woman who had been left by her middle age husband. Instead of being bitter, the woman let go of her hurt and past and did the things she never did married to a man that had no appreciation for her and she enjoyed herself.
I want to be like that woman in the song. I want to have the strength to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can.
I don't want a divorce and I love my husband, but there comes a time you have to love yourself too and do what is right not just for others, but for yourself as well.
I just have to let myself go.
It is a road that I am still on today. I held on to my husband a few short years more thinking we had turned the tide only to be crushed again with his final announcement that he definitely wants a divorce. Unlike last time though, I'm not so helpless and I'm definitely not in a coma. I have had a lot of positive change in my life. This blog is my journal. I publish it on the Internet, because right now, someone else is out there who just woke up from a coma of their own, or maybe you have been doing all the right things you thought like I did these last two-years and it wasn't enough. I'm not a therapist, but I am someone in recovery. I am recovering from the need to be loved so much that the fear of abandonment let me accept behavior that should not have been accepted and kept me from raising children that were secure. I loved them, and I fed them and I was there for all the "stuff" that parents are suppose to be there for, but I failed them just the same. I put the wants and needs of everyone else ahead of mine for fear they would reject me if I didn't.
I married a man that has his own issues with love, only his are those of avoidance. This blog isn't about him, nor do I intend to use it as a way to "punch back." He is responsible for himself, and I have no effect on what he does. We are still married, we live in the same house for financial reasons, but we are emotionally and to a point physically separated. For how many months, I don't know.
So why do I thank George Strait? About a year ago, I heard his song, "She Let Herself Go" on the radio, and I thought of my situation. I liked the thought of the song of a woman who had been left by her middle age husband. Instead of being bitter, the woman let go of her hurt and past and did the things she never did married to a man that had no appreciation for her and she enjoyed herself.
I want to be like that woman in the song. I want to have the strength to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can.
I don't want a divorce and I love my husband, but there comes a time you have to love yourself too and do what is right not just for others, but for yourself as well.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
I just have to let myself go.
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