I have worked all of 4 hours in the past 3+ weeks.

Tomorrow we go back to school after having nearly 11 days at or below freezing.

I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but I have enjoyed the break, and now I guess I'm ready to get back to work and regain some discipline.  Lazy time is over.

I have to get a plan together to pay my bills and still save money back enough to pay for this divorce.  $2500 dollars cash is what it will take to retain the attorney.  I just want to get this over with.

So, wish me luck as I face about 170 cranky students that don't want to be in school after also having 3+ weeks off.

Its gonna be fun. ;-)

It's been a year.

One year ago, my husband left us.  He cited all kinds of reasons, but none of them made sense.  The only thing that made sense was, "he just didn't want to be married."  At times, he seemed remorseful and willing to talk things out, but as soon as we got just a little bit close to getting at the root of the issue, the "protector" came out.

The protector is a term I give to that part of his personality that protects him from feeling anything.  He is hard and callous.  He will accept no wrong and refuses help to get well.  He doesn't want to change and so he condemns himself to a life of loneliness.  In those moments when the protector is asleep, that part of him that doesn't really want to be alone comes out and can be reasoned with.  He has no self esteem and feels strongly that he is undeserving of his family and of me.

He knows that we are doing well, that I am doing well and he wallows in self-pity.  He plays the victim, unable to change, unable to feel, unable to have friends.  As soon as any human kindness is shown to him, the protector wakes up and rushes in to his defense.  He seals off the doors and windows and protects that which is vulnerable from being spoken too.

I gave it one more attempt.  I tried to show compassion and understanding.

"I tried" is as far as it got.

Within 8 hours of what was a productive conversation, the protector was back and beating back any further attempts to reason.  He won't talk about his fears, he won't talk about why he is afraid to change and get help.  He doesn't want to change.

Sadder then losing a husband, this family has lost its father.

It is beyond my thinking that anyone would walk away from the needs of their family.  His only justification is that he can't handle conflict.  What that really means is he can't handle conflict where he is at the center and is clearly in the wrong.  What that really means is, he has no desire to understand or have compassion for anyone but himself.

He is capable of feeling.  He is very capable of loving and being loved.  But it is too much effort on his part to put the work into any relationship.  Everything flows to him.  He is a black hole.

He wants divorce, but he says he can't afford it.

Therefore, I will do what he most likely doesn't believe I will do and I will file the paper work.  I am not sure when my dispersement money from college will arrive, but when it does, I will pay the retaining fees and get all of this started and finished.

He will be "free," but more importantly, the kids and I will be free of him.  In the end it doesn't matter who files first, it just matters that this situation finally be resolved.

One year has been more then generous.  He used that time to think of nothing but his own skin.  I wonder just how long it will be once he's free for him to forget not just me, but all of us.

So for now, I'm very sad that this could not be resolved, but I know it is the right thing to do.  As I told him, "by setting him free, I set myself free."

One of the things I have picked up again has been crocheting.

I did it for two reasons.

First, I have always wanted to crochet and for some reason never got the knack.  Second, I could put it to good use to help others by joining the prayer shawl ministry at the new church I joined.  Win-win.

Although I joined the group, they were finishing for the fall, so I missed out helping this year, but I will be in it for 2010.  In the meantime, the lap afghan I made first went to a dear friend who has been suffering from sever pain in her back and legs.  I felt it was in the spirit of what it was dedicated for, so I gave it to her for Christmas.

Next, I started afghans for my son and daughter.  I have been crocheting as fast as I  could to finish my son's before he goes back to school, but I think I'll be shipping it.

I have been crocheting so much that I have been having dreams about it!

I have shoulder and upper arm pain.  I never realized how much of my upper body I was using to support the growing weight of the afghan as it stretches over my legs.  But I am bound and determined to get it done.

After finishing his, I have to finish my daughter's.  My goal is to have them both done so they can use them during the winter months.

I have always enjoyed the satisfaction of making my own creations.  Crocheting has been fast and rewarding to see the afghan just grow over my lap and legs with each row I hook.  It keeps my hands busy and focused to keeps me from sinking into moods.  I pray a lot when I crochet when I feel like wrestling demons in my head.  It's a positive way of dealing with stress and daily problems.

As I make things for others, it gives me another sense of "giving back."  It is very hard to feel sorry for myself when I give back to others.  I guess that is why I love teaching so much.  It is a way to give back to a new generation and hope they don't mess up as bad as mine did.  Each student is a new hope that this next group will get it "right."

I have been thinking what I may tackel next?

I have always wanted to quilt.

Today was not over the top.

Today was not filled with overt celebration, tons of family or over fattening meals.

Today was a normal day, but with presents and a trip to the movie theater.

For the most part, I think we got what we all wanted. I got my kids together, getting along and having a nice time. My son has his new concert instrument and got some new pj bottoms out of the deal. My daughter, her iPod touch to annoy me with for the new year.

It was simple.

For dinner, I crock potted a roast. No fancy turkey or trimmings. It was fine. Roast, a baked sweet potato and Ceaser salad. It was just enough.

We spent a few hours out in the movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes.

We spent a quiet evening at home. I crocheted and watched old reruns of Bewitched, with the real Darren of coure. My daughter watched downloaded anime, and my son rehearsed.

No stress.

I'm not sure I wouldn't have enjoyed a family gathering. Maybe in time but not right now. We are all still healing and adjusting. Maybe when I'm finally out of limbo? Until then, I like things the way they are. I'm taking it at my pace and what I think is the pace of my kids.

So as I head to bed, I go to sleep knowing that we got through this holiday together. No tears, no sadness.

It was a good day.

Tonight, for the first time since leaving Ohio, I attended a wonderful candle light service at First United Methodist. I've so missed the beauty of the decorations and the joy of singing carols and taking communion. For a few minutes one can believe that maybe "peace on earth, good will to men," may really happen for longer then the time it takes to sing Silent Night.

Despite going into the evening with some bad feelings about things that aren't really in my control, I came out of it happy for the experience, and happy to have shared it with my two kids. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness tonight. I have a home, and a church family that knows me and cares about my family.

I'm part of the community now. That alone is the best Christmas present I could ever receive.

Merry Christmas 2009.

It's been a year now.

It was about this time last year that my husband finally became unwound. It would be our last Christmas together as a family. Then New Year's rolled around and he came unglued completely and left.

So what do I think of all of this now that a year has gone by?

In sum, the man that desperately wanted out is still out, but has yet to file the papers to be "free of me." I don't know why. I'm sure he thinks its because he can't afford a divorce. Let him think what he wants as long as he pays for the house and the truck and gives me money for the kids.

But how do I feel about it all?

I guess I still feel for him. I guess if he were to tell me he was seeking help I would be loyal and faithful and stand by his side. But why? Was he ever loyal and faithful to me? What is it about him that I still love? What has he given me other then two kids and a lot of debt? I guess I need to keep working on me more. I have got him framed as the father of our kids and my business partner. That much keeps me sane.

What has this year brought to me?

I lost a husband, but I found myself. I'm not the scared timid mouse I was. I confront again and stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to try new things, and I'm very much an over achiever. It's nice to succeed at things and not be slapped in a passive agressive manner. He always said how proud he was of me and how much he supported me, but he was very quick with insults and back handed compliments to remind me how little he did think of me.

No, I don't want him back. I have been relaxed and happy for the most part this year. My kids are doing better. My daughter is growing up and I have her growing more involved with things that I hope will make her a better person. Most importantly, we have had peaceful holidays. The kids and I could relax and just enjoy what we wanted to do without someone prancing about making us nuts. He couldn't stand to be home, so he would run this way and that. His moods would swing from "I hate holidays and pout," to being "over the top" happy. It was always like he was trying to prove something to himself or to us that he wanted to be with us when all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could.

Well now he has what he wants. He lives alone in an RV trailer in an RV park. He has his phone and computer to keep him connected to the true love of his life, a married woman in Australia with three kids. He doesn't have to give her any thing more then he wants to give and turn her off when he wants. She is a bigger fool then he is for letting him take advantage. They deserve each other. He doesn't have to be emotionally responsible to anyone now. Just write checks and let others take care of the rest. He is in the cat bird seat. I wish him a long, lonely life if he is unwilling to seek the help he needs to live a full life.

I am not going to be defeated by it all. I sink into despair sometimes. I feel sorry for myself to be in such a situation. Living without a loving husband, and having a solid and secure family. But then I remember that we are all responsible our own choices. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be the foundation and support for my kids. I will be there for them, and I will love them unconditionally.

There will be no secrets, and they will feel what it is to have their opinions and feelings respected They will learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. It is the legacy I want to leave them, so that perhaps I can take this yoke of insecurity and disfunction away from them. To have them be confident and happy in their lives is the most important gift I can give them.

Merry Christmas, peace on earth, for this year it is merry and there is peace and in time the part of my life that is vacant will be filled with the good things that should have been there always.

Welcome to my new blog. One that is about me, for me.

Let the adventure begin.

How much more a loser can I be than to fail at a 12-step group? Yup, I left my group I had been working with since August. The leader informed me that she doesn't believe I am answering the questions. That I don't use enough I statements and that maybe I need a therapist.

What a joke.

I listened to her the first time and reached deep to answer a question on what I really fear.

You know what I fear? I fear not having close relationships ever. I was very direct. I was even in tears, when I said it, because it was at the very core of my phobia with getting close to people. All the hurts that I have gone through trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Trying to "fit in" as a round peg in all the square holes. I wasn't good enough for the working moms, because I wanted to stay home. "Why would you be home when you have a PhD?" I didn't fit with stay at home mom's, "You are too smart, you think too much!" I don't fit with men in a male dominated society,"We won't date you, you are the competition." And the coldest of all, to be married to a man that would tell me to my face how proud of me he was, only to talk and snicker behind my back.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

So you know what... to HELL WITH ALL OF YOU THAT DON'T GET ME.

To my OWN SELF I will be true.

If that means I will never have a close, honest relationships, then so be it.

God made me this way, and I will use the gifts he gave me to be the best teacher I can be. To be the best mom I can be.

To just be me.

I don't need a 12-step group to teach me what I already know in my heart.

I have been dominated and controlled enough in my life. I have bent over so much to be "liked and loved" that my back is broken. My heart is broken in pieces and I guess only God and I can put it back together.

I have my kids, my dogs and my students. I am not alone nor am I lonely.

I am at peace right now and I will not let anyone or group or soon to be ex-husband robbed me of that again.