Today I made a choice.
I chose to be happy. To live in peace and in freedom. Freedom to worship in the church of my choice with out being made to feel guilty or being mocked. Freedom to make new friends and not feel like I was ignoring or not catering to the needs of a spoiled child. Freedom to love my kids and show it by setting limits and boundaries without being undercut or "gotten around."
Today I chose my happiness over the neediness of my husband, who reminded me again how I had no right to feel stressed or burdened with working full time and going to school full time because "other people have hard lives and lots to do too." I was reminded of this just three weeks after I had shown compassion and support to a man in panic with tears streaming down his face worried that he was going to be homeless.
Today I woke up from a dream where for the first time ever in a dream that concerned him, I told him NO and walked away.
God sent me my answer at a time when I was ready to hear it.
While my husband continues to play on my affections, pulling me in just close enough to keep me feeling like there is a chance, then pushes me away when I seek him to make a commitment to heal the marriage, I have finally hit my limit.
I am seeing the lack of importance, the lack of concern, the lack of desire to not lose me. He doesn't want me, but he needs me to continue to feed his ego when the other sources of his self-esteem aren't around. I have and continue to be his back door.
Today I said no more.
There is a timing issue now, as I wait for disbursement funds from my school loan. I requested all of it, though I won't use all of it to pay tuition. The rest will pay for the attorney and then help my son with his bassoon costs.
I'm done now. I'm calm and I'm at peace. He mocked me, belittled me and held me hostage to his past for the last time. He needs help. He refuses help. By refusing help and rejecting me one more time, he has closed the door for the last time.
He can talk all he wants to whom ever he wants. He can sleep with who and what he wants. He can work where ever he wants. He can do it all with out me as his back up support and surrogate mother.
Being single is about having the freedom to explore and be myself. I'm truly happy for the first time, and I enjoy every day that I am here. No regrets.
I lift up my eyes to the hills from where does my strength come from? My strength comes from the Lord.
Tomorrow I will look up to the mountain that guards over my family. I will sing a song of joy that I am not alone, not abandoned. I have friends, family and a stable job. I am growing as a person and I am better now then I ever have been, and I look forward to a bright future.
God has been good and has blessed me and mine over this past 5 months.
Free at last..free at last, in my mind now, I'm free at last.
I chose to be happy. To live in peace and in freedom. Freedom to worship in the church of my choice with out being made to feel guilty or being mocked. Freedom to make new friends and not feel like I was ignoring or not catering to the needs of a spoiled child. Freedom to love my kids and show it by setting limits and boundaries without being undercut or "gotten around."
Today I chose my happiness over the neediness of my husband, who reminded me again how I had no right to feel stressed or burdened with working full time and going to school full time because "other people have hard lives and lots to do too." I was reminded of this just three weeks after I had shown compassion and support to a man in panic with tears streaming down his face worried that he was going to be homeless.
Today I woke up from a dream where for the first time ever in a dream that concerned him, I told him NO and walked away.
God sent me my answer at a time when I was ready to hear it.
While my husband continues to play on my affections, pulling me in just close enough to keep me feeling like there is a chance, then pushes me away when I seek him to make a commitment to heal the marriage, I have finally hit my limit.
I am seeing the lack of importance, the lack of concern, the lack of desire to not lose me. He doesn't want me, but he needs me to continue to feed his ego when the other sources of his self-esteem aren't around. I have and continue to be his back door.
Today I said no more.
There is a timing issue now, as I wait for disbursement funds from my school loan. I requested all of it, though I won't use all of it to pay tuition. The rest will pay for the attorney and then help my son with his bassoon costs.
I'm done now. I'm calm and I'm at peace. He mocked me, belittled me and held me hostage to his past for the last time. He needs help. He refuses help. By refusing help and rejecting me one more time, he has closed the door for the last time.
He can talk all he wants to whom ever he wants. He can sleep with who and what he wants. He can work where ever he wants. He can do it all with out me as his back up support and surrogate mother.
Being single is about having the freedom to explore and be myself. I'm truly happy for the first time, and I enjoy every day that I am here. No regrets.
I lift up my eyes to the hills from where does my strength come from? My strength comes from the Lord.
Tomorrow I will look up to the mountain that guards over my family. I will sing a song of joy that I am not alone, not abandoned. I have friends, family and a stable job. I am growing as a person and I am better now then I ever have been, and I look forward to a bright future.
God has been good and has blessed me and mine over this past 5 months.
Free at last..free at last, in my mind now, I'm free at last.
