Here I am back journaling again.
It has been a while, mostly due to having to do other things this summer, but I'm back writing. I need to sort my feelings out again. My husband had done it too me again. He lifted my hopes, and I saw light at the end of a long tunnel, and then he caved in the tunnel on me again.
In short, in six months time, my husband dumped me, then re-dumped me.
I'm very angry at myself. I know that it was just the way we always did things. He would act like an ass, I would get hurt, then he would come back and look to me for comfort to get what he needed emotionally, it made me feel better to be needed and wanted and then off he would go again.
What a long vicious cycle that has been, and I walked right into it.
So, I am back in a kind of bunker again. Protecting myself from him. I'm not contacting him, and its killing me. I'm not letting myself willfully touch him even to hug, and that's killing me.
Tonight, I saw photos that my son had put up on his webpage that had my husband in them and I felt the withdrawal and loss. Our first vacation with the kids without me.
He's not contacting me now at all. I guess this is blessing. No lawyer papers either, though I still don't understand why he won't do it. After all the chest beating and ego smashing, he still holds on. He is forcing me to finish what he started.
My vindictive side thinks I should just live like this indefinitely until he acts like a man and finishes his own dirty work. That isn't healthy for me though. So I continue in therapy, and hopefully as part of a small group. I continue with Celebration Recovery and hope to soon enter a 12-step program to get at a lot of issues that keep me held back and making the wrong choices in my companionship.
I'm not keeping busy enough too, so that is playing on my mind. The less busy I am, the more I think about my husband. I got to teach last week for four days and I loved it. I was busy and useful again. I don't like sitting around, getting fat and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm about 1-month away from turning 51 and I will not go into this new decade of my life regretting and grieving this loss. I would love very much to date again. I would like to see if there was someone out there that would be good to me. I'm dubious though and still believe that perhaps at my age, dogs are better. My husband robbed me of my youth with his lying. I never knew him or what he was capable of.
So where do I go now? I guess I start by seeing him for the man he is. Someone who fathered my two kids yes, but someone that isn't my friend, and never was. I was just his security blanket to sleep with at night. I was never more important then that.
Maybe there was good things, I think whatever I thought was good was a lie. How will I ever trust myself again to know that someone is telling me the truth. Yeah, I'm just that trusting to believe that people wouldn't have reason to lie, just to lie.
I'm getting off on a tangent though.
He left me, he left his life. It wasn't just about me that he ran away, but he did and he made sure to try and destroy what was left of my self-esteem when he left.
It isn't going to work. Do you hear that faithless man? It isn't going to work. You beat me down, but I will pick myself back up and I am staying the course to keep my career moving forward and become the best secondary teacher I can.
I have a heart for the teens I serve, and I will be the best I can for them as well as my own kids. If a man that wants to be with me, can not understand how important that is to me, then he has no business around me. My husband has no interest in anything important to me. He has no business around me.
So why don't I file?
I know that when I do, it will be a step that I will not be able to turn back on. It will be final. When I do this, there can't be any anger. To do so now, with as angry as I am now is nothing more then vindictive.
I'm still saving up my money for it, and I am close to having what I need to pay for my end of it. So for now, I will bide my time, save my money and work to move past the anger and the shame of failing at the one thing that held the most importance to me.
Postscript: to date, my husband still has not found a new job. I'm sure he will in time, but I am almost happy that he is miserable. I DO need him working to pay his share of the major loans, but I find the contrast amazing. When I really needed a full time job, my teaching job fell in my lap and faster then I could even keep up with.
He panics and frets, yet God keeps him at the place he currently hates the most. God is good, and he has a great sense of humor. :)
So for tonight, I am sending this off into the ether and letting go of it as I start to read the next chapter of my rebuilding book.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
It has been a while, mostly due to having to do other things this summer, but I'm back writing. I need to sort my feelings out again. My husband had done it too me again. He lifted my hopes, and I saw light at the end of a long tunnel, and then he caved in the tunnel on me again.
In short, in six months time, my husband dumped me, then re-dumped me.
I'm very angry at myself. I know that it was just the way we always did things. He would act like an ass, I would get hurt, then he would come back and look to me for comfort to get what he needed emotionally, it made me feel better to be needed and wanted and then off he would go again.
What a long vicious cycle that has been, and I walked right into it.
So, I am back in a kind of bunker again. Protecting myself from him. I'm not contacting him, and its killing me. I'm not letting myself willfully touch him even to hug, and that's killing me.
Tonight, I saw photos that my son had put up on his webpage that had my husband in them and I felt the withdrawal and loss. Our first vacation with the kids without me.
He's not contacting me now at all. I guess this is blessing. No lawyer papers either, though I still don't understand why he won't do it. After all the chest beating and ego smashing, he still holds on. He is forcing me to finish what he started.
My vindictive side thinks I should just live like this indefinitely until he acts like a man and finishes his own dirty work. That isn't healthy for me though. So I continue in therapy, and hopefully as part of a small group. I continue with Celebration Recovery and hope to soon enter a 12-step program to get at a lot of issues that keep me held back and making the wrong choices in my companionship.
I'm not keeping busy enough too, so that is playing on my mind. The less busy I am, the more I think about my husband. I got to teach last week for four days and I loved it. I was busy and useful again. I don't like sitting around, getting fat and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm about 1-month away from turning 51 and I will not go into this new decade of my life regretting and grieving this loss. I would love very much to date again. I would like to see if there was someone out there that would be good to me. I'm dubious though and still believe that perhaps at my age, dogs are better. My husband robbed me of my youth with his lying. I never knew him or what he was capable of.
So where do I go now? I guess I start by seeing him for the man he is. Someone who fathered my two kids yes, but someone that isn't my friend, and never was. I was just his security blanket to sleep with at night. I was never more important then that.
Maybe there was good things, I think whatever I thought was good was a lie. How will I ever trust myself again to know that someone is telling me the truth. Yeah, I'm just that trusting to believe that people wouldn't have reason to lie, just to lie.
I'm getting off on a tangent though.
He left me, he left his life. It wasn't just about me that he ran away, but he did and he made sure to try and destroy what was left of my self-esteem when he left.
It isn't going to work. Do you hear that faithless man? It isn't going to work. You beat me down, but I will pick myself back up and I am staying the course to keep my career moving forward and become the best secondary teacher I can.
I have a heart for the teens I serve, and I will be the best I can for them as well as my own kids. If a man that wants to be with me, can not understand how important that is to me, then he has no business around me. My husband has no interest in anything important to me. He has no business around me.
So why don't I file?
I know that when I do, it will be a step that I will not be able to turn back on. It will be final. When I do this, there can't be any anger. To do so now, with as angry as I am now is nothing more then vindictive.
I'm still saving up my money for it, and I am close to having what I need to pay for my end of it. So for now, I will bide my time, save my money and work to move past the anger and the shame of failing at the one thing that held the most importance to me.
Postscript: to date, my husband still has not found a new job. I'm sure he will in time, but I am almost happy that he is miserable. I DO need him working to pay his share of the major loans, but I find the contrast amazing. When I really needed a full time job, my teaching job fell in my lap and faster then I could even keep up with.
He panics and frets, yet God keeps him at the place he currently hates the most. God is good, and he has a great sense of humor. :)
So for tonight, I am sending this off into the ether and letting go of it as I start to read the next chapter of my rebuilding book.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
