Dear God;
Tonight I'm turning an important outcome over to you. I'm putting it in writing, because I need to see the words as I say them in my heart.
I spoke to my husband today God, and I'm trying to show love and compassion as well as forgiveness, but his noncommittal attitudes are pulling me back and forth again off my path to be sober and sane. The kids and I had happiness and stability for five months God, and then he began to panic about losing his job, and not having a home. So he crawled back a bit. He wanted me and needed me God, but it only lasted a few weeks.
He agreed to get divorce off the table God, but it feels like he has put it back on. He wants it all in his time Father, but in so doing he pulls my heart and plays with my head.
I spoke to him today about making a commitment to a healing separation as a means to help rebuild and make a stronger, healthier marriage. He runs at the thought of commitment. He doesn't want that, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let go. He wants to stay in limbo where he doesn't have to make any decisions.
Today God, I told him he had to make a choice. That nothing we did to work through a healthy separation would be of any gain unless he had and held in his heart a willingness to see this through. He has to do the work Father, because I can't do it for him. He wants people to tell him what to do, but then resents when he gets what he asked for.
So I have told him only one thing, choose which side of the fence to be on, and then stay on that side. It's wasting our time and hurting us longer to not choose, or in another way of saying it, "to not decide, is to decide."
I should have my answer tomorrow Father. My heart is sick because it knows that deep down, he doesn't really want us. He'll write checks and support us, but he doesn't want to be with us. He doesn't know how to be with anyone.
So God, I pray for him that something I said today, or something in the reading that I gave him will help him make a well thought out decision. I watched him fidget and get up and move about and be distracted. He was highly uncomfortable with the idea that he would have to "do something."
I never thought that he would be so unable to make decisions for himself or be so disloyal to so many. I honestly do not think he has maintained any friendship once it out grew him. He shared with me that he had brought a girl home to visit when he was in boot camp. A girl that was very much in love with him but he was not in love with her. I guess when he brought her, he just dropped her off with family and then went off and did whatever he wanted to do. His sister had tried to tell him how wrong that was of him to do but he never "got it."
There are so many things he does that point to narcissism and I honestly don't know if he is going to be able to make changes in his life that will include me and his kids.
So tonight God, I don't have the strength to worry and I've pretty much run out of tears again. I cried for him this past weekend, because he more or less just blew me off after two positive weekends when I thought he may really be coming around. It was when I asked for that commitment in clear language when he started pulling away again. Running away, one more time. Breaking my heart, one more time.
So I get up and brush the dust off one more time. I remember that I'm healthier and stronger and much more independent then I ever was before. I do deserve better and if I have to finish this then I will. Before this year is out, I with either be on my own, bankrupt and most likely in foreclosure but I will have ended what he started on my own terms no longer dictated to by his whims OR I will be working on my own healing while he works on his.
God I want that later outcome more then anyone knows and probably more then my husband even knows. But it is no longer in my hands. It never was.
So I'm back to quoting the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me serenity to ACCEPT the things I CAN NOT CHANGE
CHANGE the things I CAN
and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it.
Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.
AMEN
Tonight I'm turning an important outcome over to you. I'm putting it in writing, because I need to see the words as I say them in my heart.
I spoke to my husband today God, and I'm trying to show love and compassion as well as forgiveness, but his noncommittal attitudes are pulling me back and forth again off my path to be sober and sane. The kids and I had happiness and stability for five months God, and then he began to panic about losing his job, and not having a home. So he crawled back a bit. He wanted me and needed me God, but it only lasted a few weeks.
He agreed to get divorce off the table God, but it feels like he has put it back on. He wants it all in his time Father, but in so doing he pulls my heart and plays with my head.
I spoke to him today about making a commitment to a healing separation as a means to help rebuild and make a stronger, healthier marriage. He runs at the thought of commitment. He doesn't want that, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let go. He wants to stay in limbo where he doesn't have to make any decisions.
Today God, I told him he had to make a choice. That nothing we did to work through a healthy separation would be of any gain unless he had and held in his heart a willingness to see this through. He has to do the work Father, because I can't do it for him. He wants people to tell him what to do, but then resents when he gets what he asked for.
So I have told him only one thing, choose which side of the fence to be on, and then stay on that side. It's wasting our time and hurting us longer to not choose, or in another way of saying it, "to not decide, is to decide."
I should have my answer tomorrow Father. My heart is sick because it knows that deep down, he doesn't really want us. He'll write checks and support us, but he doesn't want to be with us. He doesn't know how to be with anyone.
So God, I pray for him that something I said today, or something in the reading that I gave him will help him make a well thought out decision. I watched him fidget and get up and move about and be distracted. He was highly uncomfortable with the idea that he would have to "do something."
I never thought that he would be so unable to make decisions for himself or be so disloyal to so many. I honestly do not think he has maintained any friendship once it out grew him. He shared with me that he had brought a girl home to visit when he was in boot camp. A girl that was very much in love with him but he was not in love with her. I guess when he brought her, he just dropped her off with family and then went off and did whatever he wanted to do. His sister had tried to tell him how wrong that was of him to do but he never "got it."
There are so many things he does that point to narcissism and I honestly don't know if he is going to be able to make changes in his life that will include me and his kids.
So tonight God, I don't have the strength to worry and I've pretty much run out of tears again. I cried for him this past weekend, because he more or less just blew me off after two positive weekends when I thought he may really be coming around. It was when I asked for that commitment in clear language when he started pulling away again. Running away, one more time. Breaking my heart, one more time.
So I get up and brush the dust off one more time. I remember that I'm healthier and stronger and much more independent then I ever was before. I do deserve better and if I have to finish this then I will. Before this year is out, I with either be on my own, bankrupt and most likely in foreclosure but I will have ended what he started on my own terms no longer dictated to by his whims OR I will be working on my own healing while he works on his.
God I want that later outcome more then anyone knows and probably more then my husband even knows. But it is no longer in my hands. It never was.
So I'm back to quoting the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me serenity to ACCEPT the things I CAN NOT CHANGE
CHANGE the things I CAN
and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it.
Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.
AMEN
