I have been silent again in my journal. Some of it because of other needs such as working in school and trying to keep up with two teens, but also because I have been reading my rebuilding book. I had put this off for a long time, because to read it, was to admit that my marriage was over. I wasn't ready to accept that until my husband pulled his "re-dump" act on me.
I don't think at this point there is any believing that he has ever been sincere about working out our problems. He just wanted out, has wanted out a very long time and now he has what he wanted. I actually kinda laugh at that now. He does have what he wanted and more. More as in, more dissatisfaction, more unhappiness, more "stuckness in the past." I could keep adding to the list. My son told me over dinner one night, that he was just as much a mess as he was when he was here visiting. He complained about everything from poor dinner service, bad food, costs, and of course nothing makes him happy about work. He wanted that job running the sister plant. He had been dropping hints for over a year about the possibly being sent out there, and now that he has it, he can't get away from it fast enough. Its hard to sort out the fact from the fiction with him, and I don't want to turn this into another "husband post."
I did though want to express my feelings about the book I'm reading. I know that I should be thrilled that what I have been experiencing has been experienced by so many people, but what is deflating is to read my experience as if were quoting my life for the past 7 months nearly word for word. Its disheartening, that it is so common, yet I walked right into it as if it was totally unexpected.
I know its a strange reaction, but I feel even more stupid because I let denial blind me to all the "captain obvious" statements.
I'm listening to an audiobook right now by Tyler Perry. "Don't make a black woman take off her earrings" has been not only a funny listen, especially since he reads the whole book as his character Madea, but its got some good old fashion wisdom in there based on all the real "madeas" in his life. Madea, I learned is a contraction for "Mother, dear" and referred to the matriarch of the block. Every one's grandma you might say. A vanishing species in today's culture, but it brought back a lot of memories of listening to my own grandma, not to mention all those older women in my life as I was growing up that threw advice around like they did their weight.
In one of the chapters, Madea talks about women that are in shock that after 20-years of marriage their husbands walk out on them. In her words, the signs were there, but the woman was too busy in her own world to see them. In other words, I like so many other women, was in denial a very long time and didn't see the signs nor was wiling to ask the right questions and check up on the truth.
That's a lot of wisdom to digest in one week. Its also wisdom I'm going to hang on to. I don't know when I will be able to fully afford an attorney to finish this mess, but I know now that my husband is not sincere. Until he is willing to accept the help he needs, there is no hope, no future. I don't even know if there will be if he DOES get help. I've been used and abused by him emotionally for so long now, I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.
Maybe in the long run its better to just cut the losses and move on. I think it is healthier at least for me. If I'm going to know what a true loving relationship where their is mutual respect is like, I may have to accept that it will have to be with a new person that I don't have so much bad history with.
I guess what I'm finally seeing is, that no matter what feelings I still have for my husband, and I do still have them, they aren't enough to cover over the years of hurt and continued emotional abuse.
He's not tried to contact me since I last saw him when he dropped off the kids from their visit with him. I have held firm to not contacting him either. I wasn't' very friendly, and I made it clear he wasn't going to touch me again. The denial hood is off my head now. I see him as he is. I pity him, but I pity myself more for ever thinking he was going to come home and work things out.
I don't think at this point there is any believing that he has ever been sincere about working out our problems. He just wanted out, has wanted out a very long time and now he has what he wanted. I actually kinda laugh at that now. He does have what he wanted and more. More as in, more dissatisfaction, more unhappiness, more "stuckness in the past." I could keep adding to the list. My son told me over dinner one night, that he was just as much a mess as he was when he was here visiting. He complained about everything from poor dinner service, bad food, costs, and of course nothing makes him happy about work. He wanted that job running the sister plant. He had been dropping hints for over a year about the possibly being sent out there, and now that he has it, he can't get away from it fast enough. Its hard to sort out the fact from the fiction with him, and I don't want to turn this into another "husband post."
I did though want to express my feelings about the book I'm reading. I know that I should be thrilled that what I have been experiencing has been experienced by so many people, but what is deflating is to read my experience as if were quoting my life for the past 7 months nearly word for word. Its disheartening, that it is so common, yet I walked right into it as if it was totally unexpected.
I know its a strange reaction, but I feel even more stupid because I let denial blind me to all the "captain obvious" statements.
I'm listening to an audiobook right now by Tyler Perry. "Don't make a black woman take off her earrings" has been not only a funny listen, especially since he reads the whole book as his character Madea, but its got some good old fashion wisdom in there based on all the real "madeas" in his life. Madea, I learned is a contraction for "Mother, dear" and referred to the matriarch of the block. Every one's grandma you might say. A vanishing species in today's culture, but it brought back a lot of memories of listening to my own grandma, not to mention all those older women in my life as I was growing up that threw advice around like they did their weight.
In one of the chapters, Madea talks about women that are in shock that after 20-years of marriage their husbands walk out on them. In her words, the signs were there, but the woman was too busy in her own world to see them. In other words, I like so many other women, was in denial a very long time and didn't see the signs nor was wiling to ask the right questions and check up on the truth.
That's a lot of wisdom to digest in one week. Its also wisdom I'm going to hang on to. I don't know when I will be able to fully afford an attorney to finish this mess, but I know now that my husband is not sincere. Until he is willing to accept the help he needs, there is no hope, no future. I don't even know if there will be if he DOES get help. I've been used and abused by him emotionally for so long now, I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.
Maybe in the long run its better to just cut the losses and move on. I think it is healthier at least for me. If I'm going to know what a true loving relationship where their is mutual respect is like, I may have to accept that it will have to be with a new person that I don't have so much bad history with.
I guess what I'm finally seeing is, that no matter what feelings I still have for my husband, and I do still have them, they aren't enough to cover over the years of hurt and continued emotional abuse.
He's not tried to contact me since I last saw him when he dropped off the kids from their visit with him. I have held firm to not contacting him either. I wasn't' very friendly, and I made it clear he wasn't going to touch me again. The denial hood is off my head now. I see him as he is. I pity him, but I pity myself more for ever thinking he was going to come home and work things out.
