I know what my decision must be concerning my husband, but I'm still fighting the loss. It didn't help that he called me this week to answer a question he could have just as easily emailed. Hearing his voice stirred up the feelings that are still present. Logic may say one thing, but my feelings are still there no matter what I know I must do.
That is what it really is about. I know what must be done, but I am not happy about it. I never wanted divorce, and never saw myself that way. I think it hit me as I was filling out forms and indicating that I was the custodial parent. In all these years, i have never filled out school forms where I didn't check, "both parents."
Now, take those feelings and add to that my son heading to college. He is so excited and so anxious to get going. He isn't leaving any time to spend with me as he packs in trips and activities. He is a social beast, but when it comes to being home, he just wants to get out. I guess that is a normal thing. I try not to take it personally. It does get to me.
So what is positive tonight?
I am working with a divorce recovery group with my therapist.
I am continuing to attend Celebrate Recovery
I am planning to try and work with a 12-step group.
Its a lot, but right now I need the encouragement and to hear the stories of those other women going through this same thing. I met a woman who had been married 23-years just like me, and just like me, she had no clue. We are the dumpees. The left.
I hate the fact that i will have to file the paper work and start the proceedings, but it is getting obvious that the more i stay linked to him, the more impossible it is to be on my own.
I fight asking him one more time, if he is sure this is what he wants. But the answer keeps coming back to me, if it wasn't what he wanted, why then is he doing it and why doesn't he fight a bit to keep things going? In that i have my answer. The answer is in the silence.
I should feel stronger next week. I will be back at work and surrounded by people I care about.
As for my son, welp, that is part of life too. He is suppose to separate and leave home. My energy needs to be directed to my daughter now. At least for the next four years.
After that, I guess it will be "me time" to finally have the full freedom I have missed for a very long time. There is a good part of me that never wants to see that freedom taken from me again.
That is what it really is about. I know what must be done, but I am not happy about it. I never wanted divorce, and never saw myself that way. I think it hit me as I was filling out forms and indicating that I was the custodial parent. In all these years, i have never filled out school forms where I didn't check, "both parents."
Now, take those feelings and add to that my son heading to college. He is so excited and so anxious to get going. He isn't leaving any time to spend with me as he packs in trips and activities. He is a social beast, but when it comes to being home, he just wants to get out. I guess that is a normal thing. I try not to take it personally. It does get to me.
So what is positive tonight?
I am working with a divorce recovery group with my therapist.
I am continuing to attend Celebrate Recovery
I am planning to try and work with a 12-step group.
Its a lot, but right now I need the encouragement and to hear the stories of those other women going through this same thing. I met a woman who had been married 23-years just like me, and just like me, she had no clue. We are the dumpees. The left.
I hate the fact that i will have to file the paper work and start the proceedings, but it is getting obvious that the more i stay linked to him, the more impossible it is to be on my own.
I fight asking him one more time, if he is sure this is what he wants. But the answer keeps coming back to me, if it wasn't what he wanted, why then is he doing it and why doesn't he fight a bit to keep things going? In that i have my answer. The answer is in the silence.
I should feel stronger next week. I will be back at work and surrounded by people I care about.
As for my son, welp, that is part of life too. He is suppose to separate and leave home. My energy needs to be directed to my daughter now. At least for the next four years.
After that, I guess it will be "me time" to finally have the full freedom I have missed for a very long time. There is a good part of me that never wants to see that freedom taken from me again.
