What a weekend it was.

I know that it is actually several days removed from the weekend, but the truth is, I'm still kinda in shock over it all.

My husband was here, and it was actually a productive weekend for communication. He didn't take me for granted and made sure to ask permission to come over as well as actually had set a date for us on Saturday. I was genuinely pleased by that.

We spent a long time talking, and I think we made some productive head way. I think we have divorce off the table for now, but it could come back if he can't choose to make a commitment back to the marriage.

That really has been the problem with all of this mess. He starts something, and can't finish it or as in this case, he can't make the decision how to finish it.

So many complications in it all. He is in total fear of losing his job, and is trying his hardest to get a new job and hopefully one that will pay him more money. We need it so that our son can have more security that college will be paid and he can buy his bassoon. Meanwhile, I'm the only one with a stable job, but it pays 20K less then what my husband makes now a year.

Stresses, stresses and more stresses.

I gave my wedding ring set back to my husband. I told him that if he is willing to recommit to the marriage, then to give me back my rings to wear, and I will stand by him and take as much time as he needs to work out his emotional issues. However, if he can't do that, to give me the rings back to sell. So far no rings have been returned which is a good sign. Too soon, is almost a guarantee that he is choosing to bail out, but so may be too long.

I want him to think it through and make his decision. I don't want a quick answer. I just hope it will be the right answer.

So here I am again, trying to turn the outcome over to God and trying not to control it. The rings were a symbol of our relationship. He is holding that relationship now and will make the decision to keep it or let it go. I have to be prepared for either outcome emotionally. I do know for a fact that I am independent, and that I can get through anything.

I am a strong woman and I am a good woman. I am also a "goose" who has mated for life. The decision is in his hands now as it has always been, but if the rings come back to me to sell, then I will finish it quickly, so I can finish the final grief step and move on with my life.

So tonight I quote the serenity prayer, to accept what I can not change, to change what I can and to have the wisdom to know the difference.

I need to get back to my support group. I need to draw on that strength and wisdom as I prepare emotionally again.

I side note though. I use to just say out loud "I love you _____________" and fill in the blank. I use to insert my name in there, but I seem to finally be saying it less and less. Perhaps, the feeling of fulfillment I have in my job and with my kids is finally showing up in how I appear to be controlling my compulsive behaviors? Either way, I have noticed it less and less as something I do. I also noted that I don't seem to fantasize like I use to do. I use to act out scenes in my head where I'm the lead, and I have special gifts and powers that make me unique and powerful. Even that isn't happening as much, nor can I stay focused on it. Maybe I'm finally growing up and maturing in many things without taking away the things that help keep me young and in touch with teens.

My plastic brain may be rewiring after all.