Good morning me.

Its been a while since I last wrote you. Mainly because things have been going much better emotionally. Those little peach pills do wonders for helping me keep the mood swings at bay. There are some things that I need to update you about though. Feelings that are still cropping up that I need to learn to deal with in a healthy way. Dreams that are returning, that wake me with a feeling of loss and depression.

Let's begin with the dream as it is still haunting me.

I have slept well for months. No over the counter pills to help me sleep at all. However, as I am still not past menopause, my hormones have been working on my psyche. I have suffered through almost two weeks of pre-menstrual tension with all the moods and aches. My anti-depressant pills helped a great deal keep things leveled out, but I was still short tempered.

Yesterday, I should have guessed it was time because I seemed to have a lot more energy, which was good as I was on a field trip. I really enjoy being with my upper level students. They are a joy and I am going to miss them so much. I think they did well on their end of year exam, and thanks to the instructor who was coordinating the trip, they got a wonderful field day. We took them to lunch and then to a park to blow off steam. They had their fishing poles and played on the swing sets. We got some great pictures for the day.

It hit me when I got home though. I had been nursing a headache most the day, but I was more then tired last night and then finally, my period started. The hormone cocktail along with the carbohydrates I was craving worked up the worse dream I have had in months. I dreamed of my husband again. It was bad enough that in it we were separated as we are now, but he was cruel to me again, and so was his family.

I awoke a few times and instead of just staying awake I would sink back into sleep and the dream would start up again. I was trapped in it. When I finally did awake, I felt depressed and abandoned. All the feelings that I have managed to keep control of for the past couple of months since I joined the support group.

As I write this, I know that it was just a dream. It was induced by hormones and blood sugar and water retention. It was just a bad dream.

I have been wrestling with the thought of wanting to work things out with my husband and yet, wanting to be finally free. In the meantime, I had let my finances get away from me and ended up over-drafting with the bank. I have to be more careful of my spending. I have been eating out too much. Once or more a weekend is too much. That and unexpected expenses that I should have known I didn't have the money for.

I risk beating myself up over it, but as they use to tell us as kids, there is no use crying over spilled milk. It's better just to pick up and start again. I have a day off on Monday, so I should be able to get a lot of loose ends taken care of.

This is a tough time of year. I am watching the seniors, including my own son, getting ready to leave the nest, as I watched this past week the freshmen that are the future of our program come up to be next years sophomores. There isn't time to grieve the loss of the kids that you have spent so much time and energy with, as there are new ones that need that same attention. The cycle continues as we launch out those that are ready to begin preparing those that are not.

When I look at it that way, I can never be abandoned. Its just the natural cycle of a teacher. Even with my own kids, as I launch one, there is another that needs me more then ever. When it is her time, I will launch her, and begin the cycle again with the person that needs me most.

That person is me.

There are so many things I want to see and do. So many things I couldn't with kids around. My husband ran off to follow his dreams and left me with all the responsibility. I take the responsibility because I love my kids and I would never do that to them. My husband may some day turn things around for himself, but he will never erase in their minds who left and who stayed.

In away, it was not I that was abandoned, it was him. He abandoned himself. He's the one that is out alone, separated from family that loves him, his home and all things familiar. He is the one that is truly alone.

I have pity for him. He is troubled and confused. He refuses to get help and choose to suffer. I'm not alone. I have friends, a great support group, and my kids and students. I have in my mind the things that matter.

I won't be rich, and I probably will work until I die. I won't have retirement on the beach of Charleston as I had always dreamed, but I will have happiness because I choose it. I will be content with what I have, even if its a small house or condo. I would love to stay here in this house, but it isn't meant to be. It will be sold, the mortgages paid, and if there is any left over, it will go toward a small place for me.

Wow, I'm not sure where this letter went in direction, but I know I feel better. I must keep reality framed in my mind. I have to keep working on rewiring my brain to keep thinking positively about myself and my situation.

I am my own best friend always. I will take care of me, so I can take care of those that I love.

Thanks for the chance to recheck my reality. I feel a lot better now.

Love,

Me