Twenty four years ago I said yes.

Tonight I sit alone and pray that my husband will finally make the choice to come home.

I'm tired of the fence sitting and I grow impatient. I was getting it together and being independent and probably the most important thing of all, I have been happy. I chose to be happy and I pursued it. I got the help I needed and I reveled in finally finding my voice again.

Then my husband showed that he really doesn't have the heart for divorce and I built up hope again. Hope that he would come home and let us work these things out. But the more he talked the more I realize that I'm still not the one he is coming home for. I admitted that I loved him but now I have to pull it all back inside of me again. He misses family life. He misses the kids, but I don't think he really misses me.

He admitted to demonizing me and making me the root of all evil. Was I really that bad or did I just remind him that he wasn't being who he should have been? He said "I was more man than he was." I'll take it for what he really meant, but the truth is he still isn't here and I don't think it will be for a very long time.

I am beginning to think it is because of his work problems. Some people turn to God, and some people turn to their closest friends and family. Then life gets better and they move on and leave those that they had turned to for support behind. Maybe I gave support too soon. Maybe I'm seeing that once again I'm letting myself be used and he is just wasting my time so he can get what he needs and leave me nothing again?

Either way, I'm here alone for the first time in 24 years, I'm here without my husband on what was the day I really thought of myself as his wife.

I guess it is just the first in a list of things that I probably need to get use to alone.