I don't know if its the head cold, the fact that none of my students were able to earn college credit for the local tech school, or the fact that my husband will be back in town this weekend and has asked me out, but right now, I'm feeling uneasiness.

I admit that I am very disappointed about my students. They worked hard all year, and one test written and graded by a stranger determined whether they could get college credit. The test was subjective short answer and just as subjectively graded. Fortunately, most of my students weren't planning to go to NE State, but I can see I need to do some drastic changes to make this program work.

The head cold is not helping either. I'm definitely stuffy and feeling a lot of pressure on my chest from the congestion. I came home today and just slept for nearly four hours. That should make getting sleep tonight interesting as well. The good news is, I don't have to teach tomorrow. It is a work day and I plan on using it to get my final grades in for the year and start the check out procedure.

That brings me to my husband coming in this weekend. I'm not sure that it is really bothering me as much as the two previous comments, other then, he's going to be here. I still don't know why he wants to spend time with me. He really should be spending it with the kids and not me. After all, her "left me." as he likes to remind me.

I don't know honestly what to think. Somedays I couldn't get to a lawyer fast enough, and then there are days where I think that this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and everything will be go okay. Now I know that can't be true, and its just a fantasy. There is just this nagging part of me that says his heart isn't in it, but he's too stubborn to do anything about it to change. So in the end it comes down to the fact that no matter how much I would love to have my way in things, it isn't for me to control or decide.

Its hard to pray for him. Something I try to do between cursing him in my thoughts, but each prayer has to end the same way, "God's will, not mine." It really does keep coming back to the serenity prayer. To accept the things I can't change, change the things I can and no the difference. I'm slowly learning that difference.

I was amazed recently that after watching some of my favorite old shows that use to spark so much fantasy in me that I wasn't reacting to it. Could it be that I'm becoming numb to the whole fantasy world idea? That I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone any more? I worry that I may be shutting down emotionally, or maybe I'm learning to know the difference?

I know that as far as my students go, I will take the hit and try again. I will learn from the experience and go into it with a lot more confidence to better prepare them.

As far as this cold goes, it will run its course.

As far as my husband goes, its a cross I'll have to bare a bit longer until this whole mess plays itself out. One way or another, I will keep my head up and I will keep moving forward. I will not let him get past my outer layers or affect me any more emotionally. When the going got tough, he got going right out the door. I do feel sorry for him. He will never know how much support he really had or appreciate the things that mean the most. I have the kids and I will be here for them until it is there time to move on, then I will be there for me.

I look forward to the day I can take a cruise and visit a tropical island. I don't need my husband to enjoy life. I enjoy life just fine.