Purity of mind and idleness are incompatible. ~ Gandhi

It's funny that I should pull that quote up first from my quote box in the side bar. In a few short words, the great teacher Gandhi speaks a full sermon. One can not be pure of mind and not act on one's principles. I would extend that to say, one can not begin to act on one's principles if one is in denial. That is where I am at.

I have been slowly coming around and doing what I know is right, but it took my husband leaving me to do that. I was in denial on what was right for myself and my family based on doing what he wanted. I took the blame for many things that he was unhappy about. I was in denial believing that it was my fault that he was unhappy and I just had to try harder and never drop my guard around him. Being human that was an impossible standard to meet. I believe that he knew that and was waiting for me to fail.

I have been breaking through a lot of denial, but I am still not fully there. So tonight I'm pulling out my first book in the Celebrate Recovery program titled "Stepping out of denial into God's grace." in which lesson 1 is on denial.

It was excellent to walk into my meeting Sunday night and have them talk about the first step. Much of what was said came from this introduction to denial. For those that may not know, step 1 reads,

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

One of the questions brought up on small group was how one could reconcile all the different addictions and compulsions people were trying to step away from in one 12-step group? I could only conclude that the addiction was just a symptom of a deeper heart issue. A longing that couldn't be fulfilled for some reason. I know in my life, I felt a serious sense of abandonment. That I was never good enough. I deserved what I got because I was some how insufficient.

That "hole in my soul" drove me to be an over achiever. It drove me through graduate school. It drove me to not accept any options for a husband that didn't fit "God's plan" as I was told it was. It kept me in denial when it was obvious that my husband didn't love me. It still keeps me from fully admitting our relationship is over.

I talk a good talk, but inside, I'm afraid. As we learned Sunday night, "fear keeps us from giving God control." Until I can let go of my fear I will never gain full freedom.

That morning I heard a story about trust. A man was working in the yard while his two boys and a neighbor boy played in a tree house. When it was time for the boys to come down, the father called to his son's who jumped out of the tree into their waiting father's arms. The neighbor boy, didn't know that father very well, and refused to jump even though he had seen his play mates hop right out of the tree. Right now, I have seen many who are farther in their recovery who have learned to trust enough to hop out of the tree, but I'm still clinging to the branches.

As I end this entry and continue on with my reading, I will close with this one thought introduced at large group.

One can not control people and expect to be intimate with
them.

My husband and I have been trying to control the other, and so we could never be legitimately intimate. I am only beginning to realize that true intimacy is not another word for sex. I have confused the physical act with being intimate. True intimacy is much more then that. It is having your emotional needs met.

That's where I really am at. I have said I need to be good with me. That's really what I mean. I need to be intimate with myself first, and the first step to that is to finally strip my denial.

I think I'm coming out of denial. I think I'm seeing things as they really are and not as I wish them to be. The problem is, that I was thinking I was farther along, but I don't think I really am. I don't have a good comparison for knowing that, but I was in group tonight and well, I guess I was really accepting a lot more crap then I really should have.

I got a short text from my husband wishing me a happy Easter, but nothing more after that. One short email, and one short text. All I have gotten in two weeks of time since he has been gone. My head is telling me that he really isn't interested in becoming my real friend. He just doesn't want us to be enemies.

I can be cordial. That is all he will get and all he deserves now.

My heart is still crying out to have him come home. To be a family again.

My heart is stupid.

Today was the best Easter I have had in a very long time. I had breakfast with my kids and my best friend. We had dinner at home and of course the Easter Bunny was here. I was in heaven. There was no stress, no under current of discontent. My son started painting the window trim in his room and his sister's. Not to mention beginning to clean the house for his guests that he invited.

I have awesome kids and so much to be grateful for.

I know there can be only one ending to this story with my husband. I will start working the first step book as I wait for the next woman's 12-step group to form up. This support group will be good as well. I saw myself tonight in light of what was defined as trying to be in control as well as denial. The hardest part is to stop saying things in my head like, "YES, that's my husband!" I have to stop focusing on him. I have to rededicate this journal to being about me only.

I'm not "better" yet. I have been feeling better with him out of the house, but I'm not "better." I'm still a relationship addict. I'm still looking for a quick fix to medicate my abandonment. I am not sober yet of my heart issues.

I am back to saying "one day at a time."

Tomorrow is Easter.

I plan to have a phenomenal holiday. This whole spring break has been wonderful. I have been relaxed and just enjoyed the time to myself. I didn't need to have a trip. I didn't need much of anything. I just enjoyed being home.

I took my kids out to brunch. I told them how proud I was of both of them. They truly have risen up to the challenge and have been a huge help. As horrible as it was to be "dumped," my kids make me feel like everything is normal. In truth, I don't see myself as much as being dumped as I see my husband of just running off. My kids and I ARE the family and for now at least, we are happier and better off.

That's sad to say, but it is the truth.

So why have I titled this "the reason for the season" Easter isn't about death, but about new life. The chance to begin again. That makes this Easter even more meaningful to me. It is the chance for the three of us to start anew.

My son and I still have trouble fully communicating, but we at least quit and step away now and come back with a more loving attitude. We try to understand the other. He really is a more perfect version of his father and I. My daughter was a bit lost tonight. She walked a bit and then came in and we did our nails and played some more of our game. She misses him so much, but even she seems happier without the stress.

It comes down to the fact that HE was the stress. With him gone we all do better. Brother and sister are more loving too each other, to me and we work as a team. This never happened with their father around. One has to think the reason was, their father!

So yes he was unhappy. He did his best to point the blame at me, but with him gone, we all are happier, so I have to think, it was never about me or the kids. He was the unhappy one, and he made the rest of us miserable.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Easter together for breakfast at church, then my son will go help with and Easter egg hunt and worship at the church he likes. My daughter and my best friend will stay at the same church for Bible study and worship. Then home for ham and biscuits and homemade applesauce. I already have their Easter baskets made up to set at the table first thing in the morning.

Yes, it will be a good Easter and the first unspoiled holiday of the year.

A season marked with new hope for a new future.

Tonight I got the best news of the day. My mom-in-law called and I got to talk to her for a bit. I had the kids send a card for Easter and she got it and called to tell the kids how nice it was. She asked to speak to me as well and we had a good chat. I was relieved to hear her say that she loved me and I was always welcome in her home.

She loves her son, but she loves me too. She was even happy to hear that I had joined a support group and was doing what I could to keep our family together. I think she knows that this will most likely not work out well and she was actually thinking I will be better off. If you don't see the depth of what she was saying, then you have never been in this position. My mom-in-law was supporting me.

I honestly do respect her, and she has truly been a wonderful mom-in-law. She was never interfering. She was always there to help whenever we asked. This was the last thing she wanted to see come from one of her own kids. She hates the whole idea of divorce. Sadly her son is under some delusion that he is better off without me. He is also under some delusion that his family has been harboring some great hatred of me. Like I wasn't good enough. He was the one that wasn't good enough.

I can't say this is how his sister feels. She hasn't spoken to me and ignored my last email. She is probably feeling some sense of fear of being in the middle. There is no middle to be in. It's my husband's doing. Not theirs.

I was just extremely relieved to know that in my mom in laws mind at least, I'm still her daughter. She and I have a lot in common that at least for us, family is the most important thing. My immediate family isn't close, and that was the last thing I wanted for my kids. I wanted us there for them. At least one of us will be. The other will be as well, but from a distance I guess.

I want to finish this entry though by saying what a joy today was. The weather was beautiful despite some thunder showers. I heard from my mom-in-law, and I found the kind of Easter candy I had been looking all over town for. The GOOD stuff, not the standard, usual stuff you see. I even got unique baskets. Finally, the kind of Easter we use to have.

My daughter invited a friend over for the night, and my son had his woodwind ensemble over to practice. The house was filled with music and laughter. My daughter and I got our hair done and our eyebrows waxed. Tomorrow the two of us and her friend will do our nails. It will be wonderful.

The grand finale was being able to play in my online game with my guild mates. We explored some of the elite areas and we got to finish my last campaign as my ranger. That was awesomeness for me. I got to do it without guilt, and with my daughter for the most part. It really was a good evening.

So, I'm not alone. I still have my mom-in-law's love, and I'm getting along just fine. I have friends. I have family.

I have me and that isn't such a bad thing to have either.

Tonight I don't want to write about me.

Tonight I don't want to write about my husband.

Tonight I want to write about my son.

My son is an amazing individual. From the first moments of his life, I looked over to him in his hospital bassinet, under a sun light and as he looked at me, I thought, "this kid is destined for something more in life." And it was true.

My son is a personality plus kid. He can network like no one I have ever met, and he is confident in himself to succeed. The moment he picked up his first bassoon, it was love at first sight, and nothing slowed him down after that. He puts everything he has into it and not just his bassoon, but his academic work. Tonight he was honored along with the other high school honor students. When he stood up to say where he would be going to school and what his major would be, he confidently announced, that he would one day be famous.

I believe him. I believe in him. No matter what else happens to our family, I know that my son will succeed.

He is ready to launch.

I honestly hate sleeping in late. I have had to get up so early for so many days, I just have been enjoying snuggling down and not answering to any alarms. Today was bad though. One p.m. is WAY too late to be getting up. Tomorrow though will have to be different. I have an 11 am with my therapist and tomorrow is my son's honor's banquet. I'm so proud of him.

I remember telling my son when he was in grade school that he had to keep his grades up so he could have choices of colleges. What I was really telling him was if he doesn't keep his grades up there won't be scholarships. I knew then he wasn't going to have the money for college because my husband and I just couldn't manage money. Everything I earned went to paying off debt, and when it was paid off, you think we would learn and keep out, but no.

One thing my husband was correct about, he is better off on his own. He has no excuses now for not setting money aside. For that I'm grateful. He has to prove now to everyone how being married to me was the reason he couldn't manage. Meanwhile, I am setting money aside. I have slightly over $1000 dollars to put toward my son's bassoon down payment. My daughter has even jumped on the band wagon wanting to put aside some of her monthly money to pay for color guard expenses.

I can't get over how both the kids are rising to the challenge. They have been amazingly supportive and want to do what they can to help out. I couldn't be more blessed. If either of these two are going to learn about how to be in a family, it will have to come from me.

This doesn't feel different then normal to me. With my husband moved out of town, I should be feeling some kind of loss, but it doesn't feel different. We are happier here. I can set rules and limits and we seem to all follow them. Why couldn't we do this when my husband was with us?

Was there really this undercurrent of discontent poisoning all the relationships? I at least feel like the kids have some respect for me now. I know they love me, and my son is more relaxed now. I'm honestly amazed at the difference. As much as I hate to say it, I think all three of us are better off.

So I don't know what to do. If my husband can mature and see his own failings to make amends would I take him back? If he doesn't but still wants to come back, would I take him back? Or is this all moot and he never comes back because of pride and ego. Would I really want him to?

If I was forced to answer that question right now, I would have to say that I am better off without him. Yes, I long for the comfort of his presence, but no longer at the expense of being second class. If I'm not first in his life, then I'm nothing. I'm getting along well with other people. I'm making friends and recognizing them in public. People stop and speak to me now.

Yup, i was given a bunch of crap to deal with, but I'm very blessed none the less.

I have two amazing kids, an amazing home for however long we can keep it, a job that is challenging and fulfilling. Although I may not have a husband, I also no longer am the victim of emotional and verbal abuse nor will I ever let that happen to me again.

Life is much quieter now and I feel much more at peace.

I really don't have too much to say tonight. I got up, I played a bit and I did groceries. I fixed dinner like I always have, and the three of us sat down and ate together. It was nice.

There is still a bit of a void left by not having "dad" there with us. I do miss him, but honestly I am much happier with him gone and so is at least my son. My daughter is better with him gone and gets along better with both myself and her brother. It makes me sad that there is little to no change with their dad gone. How could that possibly be? Was he that removed from us emotionally, that we don't notice a difference with him not here?

I never realized how little involvement there was with him in our lives. He took my daughter to taekwondo, he ran errands, he was here at night to talk too and to sleep with. Now that he is gone, I thought I would miss him more. Maybe as I look about the house and still see his presence here it isn't feeling real that he is gone? Maybe because he has left us for so long so many different times, that this doesn't seem any different?

I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm happy right now, and I'm moving forward. I'm getting help and making some new friends. I love my kids and they know it. I'm here and I won't leave. I can't even imagine the fact that their father has to be told to call his own kids, and he still doesn't contact my son unless he contacts him first. There is no point in trying to run him down to the kids, he is doing a good job on his own. If anything, I try to build him up and still make excuses.

Well he can immerse himself in work. He can chat up his friend on the web and he can swoop in and be "part of the family," when it is convenient. I really do think this whole "lets be friends" thing is because he is feeling relieved he has moved away. He knew he was finally free and had a place to go away from us. He got what he wanted most. He is far away from us.

He may think he is the happy one, but I am pretty convinced that the real happy ones are the ones that got left behind.

We remain and will always be a family. We are getting through this together. We are talking, we are fussing and crying and we are apologizing. We are trying to be better each day then the day before. We are growing together.

Sometimes the real freedom comes in mastering the difficulties of one's life, not the running away from them. That's just avoiding the inevitable.