I really don't have too much to say tonight. I got up, I played a bit and I did groceries. I fixed dinner like I always have, and the three of us sat down and ate together. It was nice.
There is still a bit of a void left by not having "dad" there with us. I do miss him, but honestly I am much happier with him gone and so is at least my son. My daughter is better with him gone and gets along better with both myself and her brother. It makes me sad that there is little to no change with their dad gone. How could that possibly be? Was he that removed from us emotionally, that we don't notice a difference with him not here?
I never realized how little involvement there was with him in our lives. He took my daughter to taekwondo, he ran errands, he was here at night to talk too and to sleep with. Now that he is gone, I thought I would miss him more. Maybe as I look about the house and still see his presence here it isn't feeling real that he is gone? Maybe because he has left us for so long so many different times, that this doesn't seem any different?
I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm happy right now, and I'm moving forward. I'm getting help and making some new friends. I love my kids and they know it. I'm here and I won't leave. I can't even imagine the fact that their father has to be told to call his own kids, and he still doesn't contact my son unless he contacts him first. There is no point in trying to run him down to the kids, he is doing a good job on his own. If anything, I try to build him up and still make excuses.
Well he can immerse himself in work. He can chat up his friend on the web and he can swoop in and be "part of the family," when it is convenient. I really do think this whole "lets be friends" thing is because he is feeling relieved he has moved away. He knew he was finally free and had a place to go away from us. He got what he wanted most. He is far away from us.
He may think he is the happy one, but I am pretty convinced that the real happy ones are the ones that got left behind.
We remain and will always be a family. We are getting through this together. We are talking, we are fussing and crying and we are apologizing. We are trying to be better each day then the day before. We are growing together.
Sometimes the real freedom comes in mastering the difficulties of one's life, not the running away from them. That's just avoiding the inevitable.
There is still a bit of a void left by not having "dad" there with us. I do miss him, but honestly I am much happier with him gone and so is at least my son. My daughter is better with him gone and gets along better with both myself and her brother. It makes me sad that there is little to no change with their dad gone. How could that possibly be? Was he that removed from us emotionally, that we don't notice a difference with him not here?
I never realized how little involvement there was with him in our lives. He took my daughter to taekwondo, he ran errands, he was here at night to talk too and to sleep with. Now that he is gone, I thought I would miss him more. Maybe as I look about the house and still see his presence here it isn't feeling real that he is gone? Maybe because he has left us for so long so many different times, that this doesn't seem any different?
I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm happy right now, and I'm moving forward. I'm getting help and making some new friends. I love my kids and they know it. I'm here and I won't leave. I can't even imagine the fact that their father has to be told to call his own kids, and he still doesn't contact my son unless he contacts him first. There is no point in trying to run him down to the kids, he is doing a good job on his own. If anything, I try to build him up and still make excuses.
Well he can immerse himself in work. He can chat up his friend on the web and he can swoop in and be "part of the family," when it is convenient. I really do think this whole "lets be friends" thing is because he is feeling relieved he has moved away. He knew he was finally free and had a place to go away from us. He got what he wanted most. He is far away from us.
He may think he is the happy one, but I am pretty convinced that the real happy ones are the ones that got left behind.
We remain and will always be a family. We are getting through this together. We are talking, we are fussing and crying and we are apologizing. We are trying to be better each day then the day before. We are growing together.
Sometimes the real freedom comes in mastering the difficulties of one's life, not the running away from them. That's just avoiding the inevitable.
|
