Purity of mind and idleness are incompatible. ~ Gandhi

It's funny that I should pull that quote up first from my quote box in the side bar. In a few short words, the great teacher Gandhi speaks a full sermon. One can not be pure of mind and not act on one's principles. I would extend that to say, one can not begin to act on one's principles if one is in denial. That is where I am at.

I have been slowly coming around and doing what I know is right, but it took my husband leaving me to do that. I was in denial on what was right for myself and my family based on doing what he wanted. I took the blame for many things that he was unhappy about. I was in denial believing that it was my fault that he was unhappy and I just had to try harder and never drop my guard around him. Being human that was an impossible standard to meet. I believe that he knew that and was waiting for me to fail.

I have been breaking through a lot of denial, but I am still not fully there. So tonight I'm pulling out my first book in the Celebrate Recovery program titled "Stepping out of denial into God's grace." in which lesson 1 is on denial.

It was excellent to walk into my meeting Sunday night and have them talk about the first step. Much of what was said came from this introduction to denial. For those that may not know, step 1 reads,

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

One of the questions brought up on small group was how one could reconcile all the different addictions and compulsions people were trying to step away from in one 12-step group? I could only conclude that the addiction was just a symptom of a deeper heart issue. A longing that couldn't be fulfilled for some reason. I know in my life, I felt a serious sense of abandonment. That I was never good enough. I deserved what I got because I was some how insufficient.

That "hole in my soul" drove me to be an over achiever. It drove me through graduate school. It drove me to not accept any options for a husband that didn't fit "God's plan" as I was told it was. It kept me in denial when it was obvious that my husband didn't love me. It still keeps me from fully admitting our relationship is over.

I talk a good talk, but inside, I'm afraid. As we learned Sunday night, "fear keeps us from giving God control." Until I can let go of my fear I will never gain full freedom.

That morning I heard a story about trust. A man was working in the yard while his two boys and a neighbor boy played in a tree house. When it was time for the boys to come down, the father called to his son's who jumped out of the tree into their waiting father's arms. The neighbor boy, didn't know that father very well, and refused to jump even though he had seen his play mates hop right out of the tree. Right now, I have seen many who are farther in their recovery who have learned to trust enough to hop out of the tree, but I'm still clinging to the branches.

As I end this entry and continue on with my reading, I will close with this one thought introduced at large group.

One can not control people and expect to be intimate with
them.

My husband and I have been trying to control the other, and so we could never be legitimately intimate. I am only beginning to realize that true intimacy is not another word for sex. I have confused the physical act with being intimate. True intimacy is much more then that. It is having your emotional needs met.

That's where I really am at. I have said I need to be good with me. That's really what I mean. I need to be intimate with myself first, and the first step to that is to finally strip my denial.