This weekend has been a mix of a lot of different things. I stood up to my husband over this taking money off the top of his expense reports to fund his "vacations" while we still carry so much debt created at his hand.

We are still not sleeping together and probably won't for a long while.

We are trying to maintain a friendship, and he did ask me out on a real date last night. I in turn asked him to dinner for next Saturday, without mentioning that it was Valentine's day. I will continue to not to mention that to him as it is probably not the best way to treat the evening when one is a relationship addict. It will just be another Saturday night. I will fix dinner and treat for the evening whether it is a movie or playing pool.

I had a success in my process. Like the museum, I enjoyed myself for me. I really do enjoy playing pool and the movie was wonderful. I wasn't wrapped up in his feelings which made my time much more enjoyable. When the evening was over he went to his space and I went to mine. I didn't ask him to stay.

I will be honest that I do want him to stay. I want him to come back to bed with me, but its not the right thing or the best thing right now. We have to build a friendship, we have to have mutual respect and trust again before I can let myself be physical with him. We made that mistake 23-years ago. Two weeks into dating, we were hot and heavy in bed. It was a red flag that we ignored that the relationship was not real.

I know I may be deceiving myself again. I am reading a new book lent to me by my therapist. She likes to give me homework, and this latest read is titled "The Dance of Deception." So far I have read the forward. I'm still processing the last book and am certain now that my need for a relationship is stronger then my need to be a whole person. That is what I have to work on. I have to learn to be good with me as I have blogged so many times already.

I joined an online support group for those that are working through their own processes. Some are sex addicts, some are avoiders and some like me are relationship junkies. I don't feel so alone now. I would like to find away to meet new people and make friends. My son is right that I need to get out more and do things with other people. He worries for me.

So far for today, I am maintaining. The antidepressant is helping me from mood swinging and I feel more in control of my actions. I will take my daughter out to a movie. I have walked out in the sun around our house and admired the new life springing out of the ground. I am grateful that for today, I'm feeling like a whole person.

My thought for the day comes from Psalm 121.

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

I keep looking for approval and finding none.

Today my son blew up at me because he is sick of hearing about it all. He's right, he shouldn't have to hear about it all. He just wants us to get divorced and be done. My daughter thinks its all my fault. I'm the one not trying hard enough and anything I say is so "not worth being upset about."

Nothing I do seems to please anyone.

I try to be financially responsible and tell the truth and I'm treated like the plague.

My only goal has been to help this family get out of debt. Every penny has gone to that goal while my husband skimmed off the top to pay for nice vacations for himself that included private fishing charters. He is even planning to fly out west this spring or summer for a hunting trip. Meanwhile, we have this huge debt, a son that needs his own instrument to play in college, and a looming divorce bill.

He always justified it by saying it was money he saved from his travel allowance, yet that money was not used to help pay off debt faster that would allowed him even more funds to do what he wanted. It's just about getting around me. Always.

Why do I even want this man? Am I this addicted that I continue to make excuses for everything and justify his actions? Have I so little self-respect that I let him enjoy all the comforts of home without any consequences?

It's good that I will be seeing my therapist today. I need to re-establish the boundaries and stick to my original rules. I have to stop physical contact. I have to stop asking that he come back upstairs to bed.

I'm weak. I'm overwhelmed. My family is falling apart.

Its not been the most successful week. I have been drawing in and out of my personal boundaries where my husband is concerned. I've tried being kind, tried maintaining an "image" of a family, but its not working. I find myself trying to "do" things for him, to show my love and worth. He sits about taking advantage while he chats away with his "friend." I almost let myself clean up after him when I saw dirty dishes in the basement.

I took a step yesterday toward getting support.

I joined an online support group in hopes of keeping my feet on the ground. I have to keep remembering that he is the one that wanted divorce. He is the one that didn't want to work through our problems and HE is the one that put this stranger in the middle between us instead of dealing with the issues in a fair manner.

It always comes down to money it seems. He couldn't budget. He couldn't say no even when he knew he didn't have the money. Even now, he tenses over money issues. We are separating the money, but instead of putting some of his travel money into the join account until all the bills were paid, he opened his own checking account with it all. We bounced the house check and risked bouncing seven hundred more dollars in bill payments.

He is oblivious.

Well, after the 12th of this month, my paycheck should go to my new account. He paid me what we agreed should be his share of food for the month and I will add that to my assets.

I'm angry right now.

I'm angry that he would rather run away and avoid then to face the truth. He has so demonized me that I am to blame for everything that he has convinced himself that he is better off without me. I say that perhaps it is the kids and I that are better off without him.

I will work on my recovery. I will continue to see Jean and perhaps look for a sponsor to help me through my relationship issues. The only thing that is important right now is getting healthy for me. I'm certain he will find something wrong with Jean next week. She will tell him the truth about himself and he won't be able to accept it. After all, he has never had to accept responsibility. He is the perfect son and brother after all.

Let him file. Free me from the emotional abuse. Free me from his constant blame. Free me from his family that never could believe that he would be at fault for anything. I am stronger then he thinks and I AM a good person.

So here I am blogging when I should be sleeping.

Okay, so I'm a self-proclaimed relationship addict and my love avoidant husband is sleeping in the basement. All I can think about is getting him to come back upstairs, but at the same time, I don't want him here.

It's the relationship right now that I want, not him. Likewise, he may want the affirmation that I give, but he doesn't want to be with me. The only thing that seems to be working is we are at least keeping the house for one more month.

That is not fully true. One thing is working and that is the separation of our assets. That is working very well for me. It gives me self confidence that I am a valuable contributor, and it gives me control over my own money. I am sad to a point that we don't have a joint account, but I always felt like I had to ask permission to spend my own money, while he went off and bought what ever expensive thing he wanted without so much as asking my opinion. Now he has to keep the numbers in front of him and be aware of his own spending. If he over spends its on him not me. That I do feel good about.

As for the rest, I just don't know. Can we continue to live together and build a true honest relationship or not? He won't talk to me about it. He did admit that he agrees with a lot that I have said from my reading, but he is not willing to talk to me. He says he "doesn't like to talk to me" which must only mean because he feels that I can out debate him. I guess my therapist is going to have her hands full with him. He's already said he may not stay with her if he feels she is to sided toward me. He is so afraid that anyone that has talked to me must already be sided against him. So is he looking for real help or just someone that can tell him there is nothing wrong with him and it must be just his "crazy wife?"

He wants justification. He also wants hugs. He is as conflicted as ever, but hey, he likes sleeping alone as long as his family is near by. He's like the little boy that wants to run away from home by walking around the block. Not far enough to leave, but far enough from his view that he has really shown his independence.

So here I am dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm so not as healthy as I thought I was getting.

Well, tomorrow is a fresh day, and a fresh set of opportunities to focus in on myself. The anti-depressant is working as I haven't had to many panic attacks or feel like the elephant is sitting on my chest. I have even been able to get a few nights of good sleep with on and off help from a sleep aid and herbal tea. I'll set my goal of working on keeping some personal boundaries. Keeping some distance has helped a great deal keep stress down.

If nothing else, keeping things calm can only help.

Goodnight self.

So I'm finishing the book my therapist lent me, "Escape from Intimacy," and I'm wondering if there is anything to be optimistic about? Am I doing and reacting like I am to just keep the illusion of a relationship going, even though there is no relationship there to have?

This morning my husband noted that the heat pump wasn't doing its job as he felt it should. I admit to hating the thing as much as he does as we were both raised up on gas heat. The fan runs non-stop which makes him crazy, and I guess this morning the thing was way below the set point. So he tried to cycle it, except he forgot to turn it back on. Needless to say, when I got up there were icicles hanging in the house.

I text messaged him about it, and he wrote back very apologetic, and saying he "owed me." So what did I do? I was going to make him live up to it and take me out on a date. He's not ready for that yet, but I was going to use it as a way to get "my way," so I can keep up this illusion of a relationship.

Now, honestly I do want to spend time with him and I do want to try and establish real intimacy again if it is possible, but it was clear that he was uncomfortable and I was using his mistake as a way to get around his avoidance of what I wanted to accomplish.

I text messaged him back that I was sorry and that I didn't want him to feel pressure. The heat pump mess was a mistake and he should not feel guilt or "owing" in any of it. He didn't answer me back, but I hope he took it in the right spirit of understanding. I invited him to share dinner with us if he wished.

So I don't know to be proud of myself or depressed that I am still craving the fix. I want him back in bed with me. What is that but looking for the quick fix that everything is going to be okay. He is following his instincts and I guess I should as well. He needs to heal from his avoidance behavior and I need to learn to be good with me. We both need to be healthy first or at least work on recovery if we are to build a real relationship that is healthy. I just get the feeling that it may not be possible. I can only change me. He has to want change for himself and he may not want to do that.

I never thought trying to keep a family together would be this hard. I never thought being good with myself would possibly mean being good without him.

To quote an old saying, "don't borrow trouble." I'll have to take this day by day and try to identify the things I do that are not healthy. I also have to stop thinking of him. My recovery is obviously going to be difficult enough without worrying about his.

I'm feeling pretty sad right now.

I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

I am reading a book that my therapist gave me titled "Escape From Intimacy." It's a book on the various love addictions that prevent individuals from developing true intimate relationships. My husband for sure falls in this category, but I think I do too.

I was always about being a couple. I craved it, I demanded it, I ruined friendships over not getting what I wanted. Then my husband came along and we were joined at the hip. I need to feel I belong to someone special. I have had no desire to be involved with anyone but him, but I "need" him. That's been my problem. I fear abandonment and I fear being seen as single.

My husband is a bit different. He craves the relationship, but perhaps from a more romantic view. However, it's not a relationship he wants. He wants the self-esteem boost that another person, (read that me or any woman) can give him, but he doesn't really want me, or anyone for that matter, despite what he may claim. He is always running, avoiding the things that give him pain, like finances and family issues. He stopped running, and immediately went into meltdown demanding a divorce, because he "could do better on his own." In other words, he doesn't want the responsibility of others, and he barely takes responsibility for himself.

So what do two people that have an unhealthy view of relationships do to stay together but in a healthy way?

I would judge that the overwhelming majority would say, "get out while the getting is good because you can't change him." I would agree with that. I can not change him. I can only change me. But what if he does want to change? Do I abandon him in his recovery? Could we have a real relationship together? We have been together almost twenty-four years, so do I discard all that we had together that was good?

I don't have the answer to any of that.

He is hurting and miserable right now. Sleeping apart has been good for him, and I guess for me as well though I miss him very much. He is still in the house with us, so the kids have access to him when they need him.

He agreed to see my therapist, as his was not doing a good job of taking control of the situation. He was letting my husband set the pace instead of helping him see his issues. My therapist will not do that. She is assertive and will not let him posture over her. My prayer is she will help him see his way out of an avoidant relationship and to having a full one. I hope it will be with me as I too am working toward developing my own identity.

My head says it won't happen, but my heart wants to believe it will. To compromise with my head, I have set up accounts in my own name, and begun the process of budgeting and separating out the bills with him in an equitable way by percent income we both bring in. I'm not giving in to my need to follow him about, or beg him to come back to bed with me, though my heart argues that one a lot. I am letting him have his space and his comfort level. I do miss him.

So for now, I will finish my homework assignment and continue reading this book. I will lean on my friends for support and try to be rational to my kids.

I will keep writing here as I need to get these thoughts out.

Honestly, except for sleeping with him, I don't notice that big a change. I guess that just adds to my therapist's conclusions that we really didn't have a marriage as much as an illusion of one.

I want a real one.

I'm tired tonight.

I don't think I have had a decent night's sleep since this whole mess blew up. I'm taking this mild anti-depressant, er sorry, serotonin re-up-taker. In other words, my medical doctor is trying to bring my blood pressure down by relieving the anxiety. In the meantime, my therapist is going to keep working on reprogramming my brain.

My heart is at war with my head.

Twenty-three years is a lot of years to just walk away from. My kids are caught in the spill over of a very co-dependent issue. My husband is satisfied with the "separation" if that is what you want to call it, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Yet, twenty-three years of waking up beside the same person. The comfort of the familiar, no matter how screwed up it must be. It is his smile I see shining through the pain. The smile I looked up and saw that very first time he came home all grown up.

This weekend we talked calmly and honestly. I was able to keep my personal boundaries up *yeah little peach pills!* and I guess I felt a bit better for doing so. I agreed to take a day trip with him and our daughter to see the terracotta army from china. I honestly have to say that I let myself enjoy the trip with out worrying about his feelings. I was relaxed and spent the time browsing through the whole museum without feeling pressure from him or honestly, myself worrying if everyone was having a good time. I enjoyed the trip for me for a change. He agreed that it was a good day and it was in his comfort level.

We also agreed to try and exhaust all the options before going through with a divorce. I'm not sure of the wisdom, but again, twenty-three years is a lot of years to throw away. Two kids deserve to know that we did everything we could together first. I deserve to know this as well.

He knows he an avoidant. The key is if he is willing to change toward healing himself. That I can't do for him. So I will work on myself to become detached from the need. Its beginning, as I felt it this weekend. If we are to build a relation, it has to be on mutual respect for our individualism. For now, I have homework. I'm reading a book on breaking the cycles of love addiction.

No matter what happens between us, I know that until I am good with me, I will not be good for anyone else. The same is true for him, but that is for him to discover on his own. All I can do is be patient, not return evil for evil and remember that to condemn him for not being able to change, if he is willing, is to condemn myself.

He will stay in the house for now.

As always, the story is to be continued.