So here I am blogging when I should be sleeping.
Okay, so I'm a self-proclaimed relationship addict and my love avoidant husband is sleeping in the basement. All I can think about is getting him to come back upstairs, but at the same time, I don't want him here.
It's the relationship right now that I want, not him. Likewise, he may want the affirmation that I give, but he doesn't want to be with me. The only thing that seems to be working is we are at least keeping the house for one more month.
That is not fully true. One thing is working and that is the separation of our assets. That is working very well for me. It gives me self confidence that I am a valuable contributor, and it gives me control over my own money. I am sad to a point that we don't have a joint account, but I always felt like I had to ask permission to spend my own money, while he went off and bought what ever expensive thing he wanted without so much as asking my opinion. Now he has to keep the numbers in front of him and be aware of his own spending. If he over spends its on him not me. That I do feel good about.
As for the rest, I just don't know. Can we continue to live together and build a true honest relationship or not? He won't talk to me about it. He did admit that he agrees with a lot that I have said from my reading, but he is not willing to talk to me. He says he "doesn't like to talk to me" which must only mean because he feels that I can out debate him. I guess my therapist is going to have her hands full with him. He's already said he may not stay with her if he feels she is to sided toward me. He is so afraid that anyone that has talked to me must already be sided against him. So is he looking for real help or just someone that can tell him there is nothing wrong with him and it must be just his "crazy wife?"
He wants justification. He also wants hugs. He is as conflicted as ever, but hey, he likes sleeping alone as long as his family is near by. He's like the little boy that wants to run away from home by walking around the block. Not far enough to leave, but far enough from his view that he has really shown his independence.
So here I am dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm so not as healthy as I thought I was getting.
Well, tomorrow is a fresh day, and a fresh set of opportunities to focus in on myself. The anti-depressant is working as I haven't had to many panic attacks or feel like the elephant is sitting on my chest. I have even been able to get a few nights of good sleep with on and off help from a sleep aid and herbal tea. I'll set my goal of working on keeping some personal boundaries. Keeping some distance has helped a great deal keep stress down.
If nothing else, keeping things calm can only help.
Goodnight self.
Okay, so I'm a self-proclaimed relationship addict and my love avoidant husband is sleeping in the basement. All I can think about is getting him to come back upstairs, but at the same time, I don't want him here.
It's the relationship right now that I want, not him. Likewise, he may want the affirmation that I give, but he doesn't want to be with me. The only thing that seems to be working is we are at least keeping the house for one more month.
That is not fully true. One thing is working and that is the separation of our assets. That is working very well for me. It gives me self confidence that I am a valuable contributor, and it gives me control over my own money. I am sad to a point that we don't have a joint account, but I always felt like I had to ask permission to spend my own money, while he went off and bought what ever expensive thing he wanted without so much as asking my opinion. Now he has to keep the numbers in front of him and be aware of his own spending. If he over spends its on him not me. That I do feel good about.
As for the rest, I just don't know. Can we continue to live together and build a true honest relationship or not? He won't talk to me about it. He did admit that he agrees with a lot that I have said from my reading, but he is not willing to talk to me. He says he "doesn't like to talk to me" which must only mean because he feels that I can out debate him. I guess my therapist is going to have her hands full with him. He's already said he may not stay with her if he feels she is to sided toward me. He is so afraid that anyone that has talked to me must already be sided against him. So is he looking for real help or just someone that can tell him there is nothing wrong with him and it must be just his "crazy wife?"
He wants justification. He also wants hugs. He is as conflicted as ever, but hey, he likes sleeping alone as long as his family is near by. He's like the little boy that wants to run away from home by walking around the block. Not far enough to leave, but far enough from his view that he has really shown his independence.
So here I am dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm so not as healthy as I thought I was getting.
Well, tomorrow is a fresh day, and a fresh set of opportunities to focus in on myself. The anti-depressant is working as I haven't had to many panic attacks or feel like the elephant is sitting on my chest. I have even been able to get a few nights of good sleep with on and off help from a sleep aid and herbal tea. I'll set my goal of working on keeping some personal boundaries. Keeping some distance has helped a great deal keep stress down.
If nothing else, keeping things calm can only help.
Goodnight self.
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