So I'm finishing the book my therapist lent me, "Escape from Intimacy," and I'm wondering if there is anything to be optimistic about? Am I doing and reacting like I am to just keep the illusion of a relationship going, even though there is no relationship there to have?

This morning my husband noted that the heat pump wasn't doing its job as he felt it should. I admit to hating the thing as much as he does as we were both raised up on gas heat. The fan runs non-stop which makes him crazy, and I guess this morning the thing was way below the set point. So he tried to cycle it, except he forgot to turn it back on. Needless to say, when I got up there were icicles hanging in the house.

I text messaged him about it, and he wrote back very apologetic, and saying he "owed me." So what did I do? I was going to make him live up to it and take me out on a date. He's not ready for that yet, but I was going to use it as a way to get "my way," so I can keep up this illusion of a relationship.

Now, honestly I do want to spend time with him and I do want to try and establish real intimacy again if it is possible, but it was clear that he was uncomfortable and I was using his mistake as a way to get around his avoidance of what I wanted to accomplish.

I text messaged him back that I was sorry and that I didn't want him to feel pressure. The heat pump mess was a mistake and he should not feel guilt or "owing" in any of it. He didn't answer me back, but I hope he took it in the right spirit of understanding. I invited him to share dinner with us if he wished.

So I don't know to be proud of myself or depressed that I am still craving the fix. I want him back in bed with me. What is that but looking for the quick fix that everything is going to be okay. He is following his instincts and I guess I should as well. He needs to heal from his avoidance behavior and I need to learn to be good with me. We both need to be healthy first or at least work on recovery if we are to build a real relationship that is healthy. I just get the feeling that it may not be possible. I can only change me. He has to want change for himself and he may not want to do that.

I never thought trying to keep a family together would be this hard. I never thought being good with myself would possibly mean being good without him.

To quote an old saying, "don't borrow trouble." I'll have to take this day by day and try to identify the things I do that are not healthy. I also have to stop thinking of him. My recovery is obviously going to be difficult enough without worrying about his.

I'm feeling pretty sad right now.