I'm tired tonight.
I don't think I have had a decent night's sleep since this whole mess blew up. I'm taking this mild anti-depressant, er sorry, serotonin re-up-taker. In other words, my medical doctor is trying to bring my blood pressure down by relieving the anxiety. In the meantime, my therapist is going to keep working on reprogramming my brain.
My heart is at war with my head.
Twenty-three years is a lot of years to just walk away from. My kids are caught in the spill over of a very co-dependent issue. My husband is satisfied with the "separation" if that is what you want to call it, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Yet, twenty-three years of waking up beside the same person. The comfort of the familiar, no matter how screwed up it must be. It is his smile I see shining through the pain. The smile I looked up and saw that very first time he came home all grown up.
This weekend we talked calmly and honestly. I was able to keep my personal boundaries up *yeah little peach pills!* and I guess I felt a bit better for doing so. I agreed to take a day trip with him and our daughter to see the terracotta army from china. I honestly have to say that I let myself enjoy the trip with out worrying about his feelings. I was relaxed and spent the time browsing through the whole museum without feeling pressure from him or honestly, myself worrying if everyone was having a good time. I enjoyed the trip for me for a change. He agreed that it was a good day and it was in his comfort level.
We also agreed to try and exhaust all the options before going through with a divorce. I'm not sure of the wisdom, but again, twenty-three years is a lot of years to throw away. Two kids deserve to know that we did everything we could together first. I deserve to know this as well.
He knows he an avoidant. The key is if he is willing to change toward healing himself. That I can't do for him. So I will work on myself to become detached from the need. Its beginning, as I felt it this weekend. If we are to build a relation, it has to be on mutual respect for our individualism. For now, I have homework. I'm reading a book on breaking the cycles of love addiction.
No matter what happens between us, I know that until I am good with me, I will not be good for anyone else. The same is true for him, but that is for him to discover on his own. All I can do is be patient, not return evil for evil and remember that to condemn him for not being able to change, if he is willing, is to condemn myself.
He will stay in the house for now.
As always, the story is to be continued.
I don't think I have had a decent night's sleep since this whole mess blew up. I'm taking this mild anti-depressant, er sorry, serotonin re-up-taker. In other words, my medical doctor is trying to bring my blood pressure down by relieving the anxiety. In the meantime, my therapist is going to keep working on reprogramming my brain.
My heart is at war with my head.
Twenty-three years is a lot of years to just walk away from. My kids are caught in the spill over of a very co-dependent issue. My husband is satisfied with the "separation" if that is what you want to call it, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Yet, twenty-three years of waking up beside the same person. The comfort of the familiar, no matter how screwed up it must be. It is his smile I see shining through the pain. The smile I looked up and saw that very first time he came home all grown up.
This weekend we talked calmly and honestly. I was able to keep my personal boundaries up *yeah little peach pills!* and I guess I felt a bit better for doing so. I agreed to take a day trip with him and our daughter to see the terracotta army from china. I honestly have to say that I let myself enjoy the trip with out worrying about his feelings. I was relaxed and spent the time browsing through the whole museum without feeling pressure from him or honestly, myself worrying if everyone was having a good time. I enjoyed the trip for me for a change. He agreed that it was a good day and it was in his comfort level.
We also agreed to try and exhaust all the options before going through with a divorce. I'm not sure of the wisdom, but again, twenty-three years is a lot of years to throw away. Two kids deserve to know that we did everything we could together first. I deserve to know this as well.
He knows he an avoidant. The key is if he is willing to change toward healing himself. That I can't do for him. So I will work on myself to become detached from the need. Its beginning, as I felt it this weekend. If we are to build a relation, it has to be on mutual respect for our individualism. For now, I have homework. I'm reading a book on breaking the cycles of love addiction.
No matter what happens between us, I know that until I am good with me, I will not be good for anyone else. The same is true for him, but that is for him to discover on his own. All I can do is be patient, not return evil for evil and remember that to condemn him for not being able to change, if he is willing, is to condemn myself.
He will stay in the house for now.
As always, the story is to be continued.
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