I honestly don't know the answer to that question.
I am reading a book that my therapist gave me titled "Escape From Intimacy." It's a book on the various love addictions that prevent individuals from developing true intimate relationships. My husband for sure falls in this category, but I think I do too.
I was always about being a couple. I craved it, I demanded it, I ruined friendships over not getting what I wanted. Then my husband came along and we were joined at the hip. I need to feel I belong to someone special. I have had no desire to be involved with anyone but him, but I "need" him. That's been my problem. I fear abandonment and I fear being seen as single.
My husband is a bit different. He craves the relationship, but perhaps from a more romantic view. However, it's not a relationship he wants. He wants the self-esteem boost that another person, (read that me or any woman) can give him, but he doesn't really want me, or anyone for that matter, despite what he may claim. He is always running, avoiding the things that give him pain, like finances and family issues. He stopped running, and immediately went into meltdown demanding a divorce, because he "could do better on his own." In other words, he doesn't want the responsibility of others, and he barely takes responsibility for himself.
So what do two people that have an unhealthy view of relationships do to stay together but in a healthy way?
I would judge that the overwhelming majority would say, "get out while the getting is good because you can't change him." I would agree with that. I can not change him. I can only change me. But what if he does want to change? Do I abandon him in his recovery? Could we have a real relationship together? We have been together almost twenty-four years, so do I discard all that we had together that was good?
I don't have the answer to any of that.
He is hurting and miserable right now. Sleeping apart has been good for him, and I guess for me as well though I miss him very much. He is still in the house with us, so the kids have access to him when they need him.
He agreed to see my therapist, as his was not doing a good job of taking control of the situation. He was letting my husband set the pace instead of helping him see his issues. My therapist will not do that. She is assertive and will not let him posture over her. My prayer is she will help him see his way out of an avoidant relationship and to having a full one. I hope it will be with me as I too am working toward developing my own identity.
My head says it won't happen, but my heart wants to believe it will. To compromise with my head, I have set up accounts in my own name, and begun the process of budgeting and separating out the bills with him in an equitable way by percent income we both bring in. I'm not giving in to my need to follow him about, or beg him to come back to bed with me, though my heart argues that one a lot. I am letting him have his space and his comfort level. I do miss him.
So for now, I will finish my homework assignment and continue reading this book. I will lean on my friends for support and try to be rational to my kids.
I will keep writing here as I need to get these thoughts out.
Honestly, except for sleeping with him, I don't notice that big a change. I guess that just adds to my therapist's conclusions that we really didn't have a marriage as much as an illusion of one.
I want a real one.
I am reading a book that my therapist gave me titled "Escape From Intimacy." It's a book on the various love addictions that prevent individuals from developing true intimate relationships. My husband for sure falls in this category, but I think I do too.
I was always about being a couple. I craved it, I demanded it, I ruined friendships over not getting what I wanted. Then my husband came along and we were joined at the hip. I need to feel I belong to someone special. I have had no desire to be involved with anyone but him, but I "need" him. That's been my problem. I fear abandonment and I fear being seen as single.
My husband is a bit different. He craves the relationship, but perhaps from a more romantic view. However, it's not a relationship he wants. He wants the self-esteem boost that another person, (read that me or any woman) can give him, but he doesn't really want me, or anyone for that matter, despite what he may claim. He is always running, avoiding the things that give him pain, like finances and family issues. He stopped running, and immediately went into meltdown demanding a divorce, because he "could do better on his own." In other words, he doesn't want the responsibility of others, and he barely takes responsibility for himself.
So what do two people that have an unhealthy view of relationships do to stay together but in a healthy way?
I would judge that the overwhelming majority would say, "get out while the getting is good because you can't change him." I would agree with that. I can not change him. I can only change me. But what if he does want to change? Do I abandon him in his recovery? Could we have a real relationship together? We have been together almost twenty-four years, so do I discard all that we had together that was good?
I don't have the answer to any of that.
He is hurting and miserable right now. Sleeping apart has been good for him, and I guess for me as well though I miss him very much. He is still in the house with us, so the kids have access to him when they need him.
He agreed to see my therapist, as his was not doing a good job of taking control of the situation. He was letting my husband set the pace instead of helping him see his issues. My therapist will not do that. She is assertive and will not let him posture over her. My prayer is she will help him see his way out of an avoidant relationship and to having a full one. I hope it will be with me as I too am working toward developing my own identity.
My head says it won't happen, but my heart wants to believe it will. To compromise with my head, I have set up accounts in my own name, and begun the process of budgeting and separating out the bills with him in an equitable way by percent income we both bring in. I'm not giving in to my need to follow him about, or beg him to come back to bed with me, though my heart argues that one a lot. I am letting him have his space and his comfort level. I do miss him.
So for now, I will finish my homework assignment and continue reading this book. I will lean on my friends for support and try to be rational to my kids.
I will keep writing here as I need to get these thoughts out.
Honestly, except for sleeping with him, I don't notice that big a change. I guess that just adds to my therapist's conclusions that we really didn't have a marriage as much as an illusion of one.
I want a real one.
|
