I met the mother of the girl that stayed the night last night
with my daughter. She is also a teacher and has been through a
divorce to a man that sounds awfully similar to the problems my
husband has. We made plans to get together next weekend and bowl with
the girls. It will be a real girl night out. It will be the first
time in years that I have made plans to have fun for myself without my
husband involved. I am hoping that I may be making a new friend.
Baby steps I know, but I'm not one to put myself out there. It helps
I think that she is a teacher too. We will have a lot in common. I
will have to monitor that I don't smother her. I have to watch my
boundaries as we relationship addicts know of no boundaries.

I got my hair done as well today. I spent time in the shop talking to
the "girls." I felt calm and rational about things for the first
time. Maybe I have hit that magic limit everyone talks about when
they make the break from a relationship. When my husband stomped off
insisting that there was nothing to change and how much he liked
himself as is, I saw him for what he really was. Running away,
avoiding again, and leaving me to clean up the mess with the kids and
the finances.

I think I'm done cleaning up his emotional messes not to mention his
financial ones. Whether he stays or not makes no difference to me
now. As long as he continues to pay his share of the bills as we
agreed until he can sell the truck and/or the house. I'm good with
it. It will be hard living like this still until there is enough money
to pay the attorney, but I have put up with him now for all these
years, a few more months won't matter.

I have friends, co-workers and family that love me for who i am and
don't make impossible demands in an effort to "trip me up" so they can
point and say, "AH-HA!"

I am never alone and will never be abandoned, because God doesn't
create junk and doesn't throw people away.

In my last entry I admitted to being powerless over my husband, and the
future. That said, through God I have power to:

- choose to no longer suffer because he is unable to deal with and
take responsibility for his actions. Yeah it hurts like hell because
I really believed I loved him but all I got was disrespect and abuse
in return.

- choose to be happy today and to not live the second half of my life
in fear of abandonment like I did the first half. I have a lot to
offer. Just because he never appreciated it doesn't mean other people
don't.

- choose wellness over insanity. Learning to get along in life with
other healthy people is much more rewarding. :)

I have some more reading to do, then I need to think about being honest with myself. My husband isn't the only one with that problem. I'm just more willing to accept that it is a problem.

I just got off the phone with my dear friend who has been my live
voice of reason through this ordeal. I think I feel a bit better
right now. I was just so very angry. This is new for me, usually
after something like this I would have fallen apart and cried and
agonized. I may still cry and agonize, but maybe not so much. But
for now, I'm good.

I spoke with my husband today first on the phone, after he returned
briefly from his trip prior to him leaving again with my son for the
weekend. I asked him about the book I had read that our therapist had
given him to read. He immediately stammered and implied that he had
only read the first chapter, and it was just a lot of the same, "If
you don't admit you have a problem, then you are in denial, crap" as
he calls it. I tried to talk to him about it, that it was a good
book, and he needed to at least give it a chance. That's when it all
came out that he did NOT have a problem, and he would not let me push
one on him. I was hung up on.

I got home and I tried to speak to him again, rationally, but he was
on the defensive, which put me on the defensive. Basically, there
were a lot of words, words, words - he was furious - he kept trying to
get away from me - I was mad - and refused to be silenced like a
child. He postured and threatened to move out as soon as he got back
with our son. I honestly think he was trying to intimidate me and
make me fall apart. It didn't work.

So I let him go, my son was furious with me for fighting with his dad,
(he was mad at his dad as well,) but yeah, it wasn't the good-bye I
wanted, and you could say I got what I deserved for not listening to
my therapist and just ignore my husband.

I find this interesting that today I was thinking on step 1. I am powerless.

I am powerless to convince him of anything.

I am powerless to determine the outcome.

I am powerless to change him.

My heart is slowly accepting that the decision to stay married is most
likely out of my hands. He is an established and accomplished
manipulator who is lying to himself as much as to others. He is not
intimate with himself, so will never be able to be intimate with me or
anyone that loves him.

Through the grace of God, I am not powerless to change me.

I am feeling okay right now. I twinged a bit at the "I'm moving out
as soon as I get back" threat. Whether he meant to do it or not, all
these trips of his has been getting me use to the idea. I feel okay
when I talk to my friend, or have my kids here at home with me. I
feel okay when I write.

I don't feel alone.

Some people are obsessed with the weather.

Some people obsess over their looks.

Some people like me obsess over what other people think, primarily of me.

It's that abandonment thing again. If people leave me, it has to be because of me. I did something wrong. Always doing something wrong. Never smart enough, talented enough, clever enough. Basically, not perfect enough. There has to be something wrong with me.

If you are reading this you are thinking, man that girl is full of herself. It's self-centered-ness in the disguise of caring and reflecting for improvement. It's got nothing to do with improving myself, but it does have everything to do with taking blame where there may not be any blame at all. It's about believing I matter so much to others that I alone am responsible for their decisions.

Now this is not to say, I don't matter, nor is it to say there are things I do that aren't annoying. What I am saying is, there are reasons why people choose to do what they do that have nothing to do with me.

Right now, I'm obsessed with trying to make it all better. If I do enough, say the right words, act the right way, everything will be okay. My husband will love me and want to come back. That is called, lying to myself.

I don't control anything but what I do. I know that in my head, but my heart is a stubborn character that doesn't want any part of that.

I'm going to start reading and working the steps as they say in 12-step recovery. I'm going to try and write more about me and what I am doing to heal and become intimate with myself. I will pray for wisdom for myself and for my husband. That is all I can do for him. I will pray he has the wisdom to see the issues in his own life and have the courage to change them for himself. I'm not convinced he has the courage to do that. I hope I am wrong.

So I am off to read about the first step. In a sense I have introduced it in this posting. Its about being powerless.

For a control freak like myself, this is probably going to be the hardest of all the steps. That first step of faith we take when we realize that somethings we have no power over.

I know in my very being that I do love my husband. The question is, do I love him enough to let him go so I don't get pulled further down in his under-tow? Some times the right thing is not the thing we want to do.

Even if he isn't willing to change, I must if I am going to have any peace in this second half of my life.

What a night.

My husband is gone on yet another business trip. No calls. Nothing. Not that I expected any.

My niece on his side dumped me as a friend on facebook. His family is already beginning the process of removing me from their lives and we haven't even filed papers yet.

I dread my son going this weekend to Ohio with his dad. I know there will be no love loss for me as he stays there with his family. Even my mother-in-law that said how much she loved me hasn't called once to ask how I was doing. I guess love only goes as far as being a "happy couple."

So yes, here I am feeling abandoned and alone. I don't even know how to find new friends anymore.

I guess I'm hitting bottom now.

I hate these days when I'm not working. Tomorrow I go back to work. That should help some. I need to get out. I need to find friends to do things with. I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I wish I could erase the memory of my husband for the past 23-years. How do you do that and preserve the good memories of giving birth to two of the best kids in the world?

For as long as we live, we will be joined together by our two beautiful kids. I will never fully be free of him or he from me.

My addiction to him is great. He has treated me like complete crap and here I am still taking it, still wanting him. Just wanting to have it all better again.

It will be a tough night. I have taken some sleeping pills, and drank some herbal tea. Hopefully sleep will come soon and I can put this day behind me. Tomorrow I will face grumpy teenagers that will take my mind off of things for a bit if just a bit. This has been a long month without seeing my therapist. Weekly is getting too expensive, but this has almost been too long. Maybe the student that sent the link to his church is on to something. In that big group of women, some of them must have gone through divorce. I can't be the only person in this city that has gone through this nightmare of having her world destroyed with that one word.

Divorce was for other people, not me. I did all the things I was told you were suppose to do. I did what I had to do for my family. For that, this is my reward.

So, yes, I'm having a pity party. I guess I'm glad no one reads this blog, because I'm sure it would make anyone reading throw up at my self indulged grief.

Sleep is starting to come now. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. I will make a plan to get out and do things I enjoy. I will try and be positive and stop making myself a prisoner of my grief. There has to be more that I can do that will take my mind off of my problems and off of my husband.

"To get out of my head." That should be my goal.

I joined a support group about two weeks ago. I'm glad I did, because through them I am seeing me. I'm not alone in what I feel or behave, but its frustrating to realize this may be with me the rest of my life.

I am addicted to relationships. I fear abandonment, and now I'm seeing that the problem with this addiction is that even though I crave to be in one, it is just the relationship I want, not the person. For my husband, he too craves a relationship, but only for the self-esteem, then he has to run from it and find a new source to boost his ego. He runs, and I pursue. He feels guilty and returns, and I smoother so that he has to run away again. I know I have written on this before, but this is just one of those things that have to be faced.

One of the revelations I had today, was the fact that a relationship addict usually avoids relationships with one specific gender. In my case, it's women. I have women friends, but I don't have women, "FRIENDS." I don't go out with the "girls." Instead I find unavailable men to be "best friends" with. Not only do I get the high of having a special friend to share my thoughts with, but I don't have to worry about ever being responsible for the relationship. After all they are married. I see these men as "brothers." What I really see are men that I can share intimacy with without the fear of abandonment. The problem is, its not real intimacy. It is just a "head-fake."

The man I am married to is who I need to be sharing intimacy with but we are no closer now then perhaps when we first met. We shared a bed and two kids, but that is about it. He never told me of his real past or shared his feelings. I may never have given him a chance, but the fact that he was so quick to push me into marriage was a whole slew of red flags that everyone ignored.

So how do you begin to make friends with other people? How do you just go out and have fun? I've been phobic of that for a long time. I had a husband, why did I need to do that? I always rushed home to spend time with him. Online friends don't cut it. Even this support group is online. I need to make real contact with people.

I need to make real friends so I'm not sitting in this house pining away for this man. My wedding band will keep me from jumping into a new relationship, but what I need to do is build relationship with women. I have to selectively set my preferences for men aside and see if I can develop relationship with women that aren't threatened by the presence of men in their lives.

I use to have girl friends, but as they paired off and married, I lost everyone of them. When I married, I stopped having any girl friends. A lot of it is this addiction doesn't let me "share" with anyone. The other is this general mistrust of all things female I guess.

I'm not sure where it began, but I'm sure it had a lot to do with my two-sisters isolating me in the family. They were very close but excluded me. My mom compensated, and I was like her best friend, until I made her mad one day and I wasn't her best friend anymore. That honor went to my oldest sister, and then to my younger after my older sister was killed. I was odd man out of the family from that point on.

I've not trusted other women since. Instead I try to find "brothers" when I should have been trying to find friends to have healthy relationships with. So here I am now, wondering how at the age of 50 I find friends. I'm not even sure how you make a friend its been that long, and I have done it so badly.

I don't want to join a church. I really don't need any more religious abuse in my life, especially in this area of the country where fundamentalism is king. I have to start somewhere though. I have to find some way to be part of something bigger then me and not related to work.

I'm at a loss, and I'm afraid of change even when it is needed.

I am mad at myself right now.

I let a couple of good days with my husband and kids get to me and I actually asked him to consider letting us be a family again.

How stupid.

I don't even know what that means, "being a family again?"

He doesn't want to sleep with me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to really spend that much time with me.

He does want me to cook for him. I did that a couple of times this weekend as he has been working to finish the foyer in the basement. I thought it rude to not at least feed him as he is paying for and doing the work.

He does want me to be there when he wants company. He asked me to have lunch with him on Saturday.

But he doesn't want to be married and he doesn't want to be with me, and he is convinced he doesn't love me.

I'm an idiot.

I should be grateful for this chance to finally be free of all of this. Free of his judgmental family. Free of his lies and emotional abuses. Free to maybe find someone someday that will treat me with respect and love. I'm not even sure I would recognize that if it hit me in the face.

I'm reading this second book my therapist lent me titled "The Dance of Deception." Its about truth telling and pretending in women's lives. It was a slow start, but it is getting much more interesting. I have seen myself in several of the case studies. I need to write more about what I'm reading in these books. I need to find the real me that isn't afraid of challenge and change. The woman that earned a PhD and then was made to feel bad for being smart by his family. I swear that is the only reason they thought the things they did. I HAD to be a princess, because I thought I was better then them! How about, in my family we did what we were told to do, and we didn't come into the kitchen to help unless asked?

Or how about, I had to burn the candle at both ends in order to keep my job, so yes, I'm not overly social right now because I'm dog tired! I reduce my work load so I don't have to be so stressed and my husband announces he is going to leave anyway!

Damn it! Nothing I do is good enough for him or his family so I should be grateful to be out. I only wish I had the money to afford this divorce and I would get it over with. Right now, I can't even afford rent on a cheap apartment. There is no place to go but stay here and try to make the best out of it.

I need to regain my dignity and stop asking stupid requests like that.

I have to respect myself enough to know I don't need him or any man to be happy. He is just the father of my kids and nothing more to me now. I need to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

My son always said I was happier when he was gone. I should listen more to my son and less to my unhealthy self.

Last year my husband sent a dozen red roses to my school where I teach so they could be delivered in front of all the kids. I still keep the card and the little glitter heart that was part of it. This year we are separated but still living under the same roof. I have been feeling myself become detached more and more, but I'm not there yet and this day makes it worse.

He asked me out on a date last weekend. I agreed and we had a pretty decent time. He acted a bit awkward, but it was fun. I reciprocated this weekend, but didn't emphasis the Valentine's day part. I took him to a nice restaurant that I wanted to go to (just in case he didn't have fun, I was going to eat where I wanted.) Then we played some pool. (I actually did rather well.) then we tried for a movie, but the only things out were either not interesting to me, or were romance movies which was something neither of us were ready to do together.

So we went home, talked a few minutes over a beer and he said goodnight and off he went to his space. This morning he is gone from the house and I have no idea where he is.

So what is the problem?

The whole time his words were saying he had a good time, but he only smiled a couple of times, once when he told a joke, and once later at home when I shared a funny video I found. He wasn't willing to come up with too much conversation, and was quiet and stand-off-ish.

He told me once that the way he treated me showed that he didn't love me. I would counter and say the way he treats me shows me how much he hates me, because he wouldn't treat a friend or work acquaintance the way he has treated me. I try to be pleasant. I try to be friendly and make conversation. We talked about superficial things, but he would not relax for anything and acted bored and uncomfortable the whole time. I'm sure his internet girl friend would have been much more fun assuming she could get away from her husband and kids for the night.

I cried some this morning. The first tears I shed in quite some time. They didn't last long. I felt myself pulled to wanting him back, but it didn't last so long this time. My anger kicked in while I am writing this and my courage came back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated like this.

I want him to get the help he needs. I want him to become a healthy person, if he is willing to change. I just don't think I want to waste any more years on a man that may or may not be there for me emotionally. Twenty-three years is a long time to live in a lie. We agreed to at least try joint counseling together before filing any papers. I just don't know now if I want to wait for even that, but I have to be patient. So much financially depends on us staying together.

Now I'm the one that feels trapped and wanting out. I'm in limbo. The only thing this gold band on my left hand is doing is keeping me from jumping to find a new relationship to replace this one, because that is what I want to do right now. Everything in my inner being craves a new relationship so I don't have to be alone.

I'm not close to being healthy yet.