I met the mother of the girl that stayed the night last night
with my daughter. She is also a teacher and has been through a
divorce to a man that sounds awfully similar to the problems my
husband has. We made plans to get together next weekend and bowl with
the girls. It will be a real girl night out. It will be the first
time in years that I have made plans to have fun for myself without my
husband involved. I am hoping that I may be making a new friend.
Baby steps I know, but I'm not one to put myself out there. It helps
I think that she is a teacher too. We will have a lot in common. I
will have to monitor that I don't smother her. I have to watch my
boundaries as we relationship addicts know of no boundaries.

I got my hair done as well today. I spent time in the shop talking to
the "girls." I felt calm and rational about things for the first
time. Maybe I have hit that magic limit everyone talks about when
they make the break from a relationship. When my husband stomped off
insisting that there was nothing to change and how much he liked
himself as is, I saw him for what he really was. Running away,
avoiding again, and leaving me to clean up the mess with the kids and
the finances.

I think I'm done cleaning up his emotional messes not to mention his
financial ones. Whether he stays or not makes no difference to me
now. As long as he continues to pay his share of the bills as we
agreed until he can sell the truck and/or the house. I'm good with
it. It will be hard living like this still until there is enough money
to pay the attorney, but I have put up with him now for all these
years, a few more months won't matter.

I have friends, co-workers and family that love me for who i am and
don't make impossible demands in an effort to "trip me up" so they can
point and say, "AH-HA!"

I am never alone and will never be abandoned, because God doesn't
create junk and doesn't throw people away.

In my last entry I admitted to being powerless over my husband, and the
future. That said, through God I have power to:

- choose to no longer suffer because he is unable to deal with and
take responsibility for his actions. Yeah it hurts like hell because
I really believed I loved him but all I got was disrespect and abuse
in return.

- choose to be happy today and to not live the second half of my life
in fear of abandonment like I did the first half. I have a lot to
offer. Just because he never appreciated it doesn't mean other people
don't.

- choose wellness over insanity. Learning to get along in life with
other healthy people is much more rewarding. :)

I have some more reading to do, then I need to think about being honest with myself. My husband isn't the only one with that problem. I'm just more willing to accept that it is a problem.