Last year my husband sent a dozen red roses to my school where I teach so they could be delivered in front of all the kids. I still keep the card and the little glitter heart that was part of it. This year we are separated but still living under the same roof. I have been feeling myself become detached more and more, but I'm not there yet and this day makes it worse.

He asked me out on a date last weekend. I agreed and we had a pretty decent time. He acted a bit awkward, but it was fun. I reciprocated this weekend, but didn't emphasis the Valentine's day part. I took him to a nice restaurant that I wanted to go to (just in case he didn't have fun, I was going to eat where I wanted.) Then we played some pool. (I actually did rather well.) then we tried for a movie, but the only things out were either not interesting to me, or were romance movies which was something neither of us were ready to do together.

So we went home, talked a few minutes over a beer and he said goodnight and off he went to his space. This morning he is gone from the house and I have no idea where he is.

So what is the problem?

The whole time his words were saying he had a good time, but he only smiled a couple of times, once when he told a joke, and once later at home when I shared a funny video I found. He wasn't willing to come up with too much conversation, and was quiet and stand-off-ish.

He told me once that the way he treated me showed that he didn't love me. I would counter and say the way he treats me shows me how much he hates me, because he wouldn't treat a friend or work acquaintance the way he has treated me. I try to be pleasant. I try to be friendly and make conversation. We talked about superficial things, but he would not relax for anything and acted bored and uncomfortable the whole time. I'm sure his internet girl friend would have been much more fun assuming she could get away from her husband and kids for the night.

I cried some this morning. The first tears I shed in quite some time. They didn't last long. I felt myself pulled to wanting him back, but it didn't last so long this time. My anger kicked in while I am writing this and my courage came back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated like this.

I want him to get the help he needs. I want him to become a healthy person, if he is willing to change. I just don't think I want to waste any more years on a man that may or may not be there for me emotionally. Twenty-three years is a long time to live in a lie. We agreed to at least try joint counseling together before filing any papers. I just don't know now if I want to wait for even that, but I have to be patient. So much financially depends on us staying together.

Now I'm the one that feels trapped and wanting out. I'm in limbo. The only thing this gold band on my left hand is doing is keeping me from jumping to find a new relationship to replace this one, because that is what I want to do right now. Everything in my inner being craves a new relationship so I don't have to be alone.

I'm not close to being healthy yet.