I joined a support group about two weeks ago. I'm glad I did, because through them I am seeing me. I'm not alone in what I feel or behave, but its frustrating to realize this may be with me the rest of my life.

I am addicted to relationships. I fear abandonment, and now I'm seeing that the problem with this addiction is that even though I crave to be in one, it is just the relationship I want, not the person. For my husband, he too craves a relationship, but only for the self-esteem, then he has to run from it and find a new source to boost his ego. He runs, and I pursue. He feels guilty and returns, and I smoother so that he has to run away again. I know I have written on this before, but this is just one of those things that have to be faced.

One of the revelations I had today, was the fact that a relationship addict usually avoids relationships with one specific gender. In my case, it's women. I have women friends, but I don't have women, "FRIENDS." I don't go out with the "girls." Instead I find unavailable men to be "best friends" with. Not only do I get the high of having a special friend to share my thoughts with, but I don't have to worry about ever being responsible for the relationship. After all they are married. I see these men as "brothers." What I really see are men that I can share intimacy with without the fear of abandonment. The problem is, its not real intimacy. It is just a "head-fake."

The man I am married to is who I need to be sharing intimacy with but we are no closer now then perhaps when we first met. We shared a bed and two kids, but that is about it. He never told me of his real past or shared his feelings. I may never have given him a chance, but the fact that he was so quick to push me into marriage was a whole slew of red flags that everyone ignored.

So how do you begin to make friends with other people? How do you just go out and have fun? I've been phobic of that for a long time. I had a husband, why did I need to do that? I always rushed home to spend time with him. Online friends don't cut it. Even this support group is online. I need to make real contact with people.

I need to make real friends so I'm not sitting in this house pining away for this man. My wedding band will keep me from jumping into a new relationship, but what I need to do is build relationship with women. I have to selectively set my preferences for men aside and see if I can develop relationship with women that aren't threatened by the presence of men in their lives.

I use to have girl friends, but as they paired off and married, I lost everyone of them. When I married, I stopped having any girl friends. A lot of it is this addiction doesn't let me "share" with anyone. The other is this general mistrust of all things female I guess.

I'm not sure where it began, but I'm sure it had a lot to do with my two-sisters isolating me in the family. They were very close but excluded me. My mom compensated, and I was like her best friend, until I made her mad one day and I wasn't her best friend anymore. That honor went to my oldest sister, and then to my younger after my older sister was killed. I was odd man out of the family from that point on.

I've not trusted other women since. Instead I try to find "brothers" when I should have been trying to find friends to have healthy relationships with. So here I am now, wondering how at the age of 50 I find friends. I'm not even sure how you make a friend its been that long, and I have done it so badly.

I don't want to join a church. I really don't need any more religious abuse in my life, especially in this area of the country where fundamentalism is king. I have to start somewhere though. I have to find some way to be part of something bigger then me and not related to work.

I'm at a loss, and I'm afraid of change even when it is needed.