I just got off the phone with my dear friend who has been my live
voice of reason through this ordeal. I think I feel a bit better
right now. I was just so very angry. This is new for me, usually
after something like this I would have fallen apart and cried and
agonized. I may still cry and agonize, but maybe not so much. But
for now, I'm good.

I spoke with my husband today first on the phone, after he returned
briefly from his trip prior to him leaving again with my son for the
weekend. I asked him about the book I had read that our therapist had
given him to read. He immediately stammered and implied that he had
only read the first chapter, and it was just a lot of the same, "If
you don't admit you have a problem, then you are in denial, crap" as
he calls it. I tried to talk to him about it, that it was a good
book, and he needed to at least give it a chance. That's when it all
came out that he did NOT have a problem, and he would not let me push
one on him. I was hung up on.

I got home and I tried to speak to him again, rationally, but he was
on the defensive, which put me on the defensive. Basically, there
were a lot of words, words, words - he was furious - he kept trying to
get away from me - I was mad - and refused to be silenced like a
child. He postured and threatened to move out as soon as he got back
with our son. I honestly think he was trying to intimidate me and
make me fall apart. It didn't work.

So I let him go, my son was furious with me for fighting with his dad,
(he was mad at his dad as well,) but yeah, it wasn't the good-bye I
wanted, and you could say I got what I deserved for not listening to
my therapist and just ignore my husband.

I find this interesting that today I was thinking on step 1. I am powerless.

I am powerless to convince him of anything.

I am powerless to determine the outcome.

I am powerless to change him.

My heart is slowly accepting that the decision to stay married is most
likely out of my hands. He is an established and accomplished
manipulator who is lying to himself as much as to others. He is not
intimate with himself, so will never be able to be intimate with me or
anyone that loves him.

Through the grace of God, I am not powerless to change me.

I am feeling okay right now. I twinged a bit at the "I'm moving out
as soon as I get back" threat. Whether he meant to do it or not, all
these trips of his has been getting me use to the idea. I feel okay
when I talk to my friend, or have my kids here at home with me. I
feel okay when I write.

I don't feel alone.