What a night.

My husband is gone on yet another business trip. No calls. Nothing. Not that I expected any.

My niece on his side dumped me as a friend on facebook. His family is already beginning the process of removing me from their lives and we haven't even filed papers yet.

I dread my son going this weekend to Ohio with his dad. I know there will be no love loss for me as he stays there with his family. Even my mother-in-law that said how much she loved me hasn't called once to ask how I was doing. I guess love only goes as far as being a "happy couple."

So yes, here I am feeling abandoned and alone. I don't even know how to find new friends anymore.

I guess I'm hitting bottom now.

I hate these days when I'm not working. Tomorrow I go back to work. That should help some. I need to get out. I need to find friends to do things with. I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I wish I could erase the memory of my husband for the past 23-years. How do you do that and preserve the good memories of giving birth to two of the best kids in the world?

For as long as we live, we will be joined together by our two beautiful kids. I will never fully be free of him or he from me.

My addiction to him is great. He has treated me like complete crap and here I am still taking it, still wanting him. Just wanting to have it all better again.

It will be a tough night. I have taken some sleeping pills, and drank some herbal tea. Hopefully sleep will come soon and I can put this day behind me. Tomorrow I will face grumpy teenagers that will take my mind off of things for a bit if just a bit. This has been a long month without seeing my therapist. Weekly is getting too expensive, but this has almost been too long. Maybe the student that sent the link to his church is on to something. In that big group of women, some of them must have gone through divorce. I can't be the only person in this city that has gone through this nightmare of having her world destroyed with that one word.

Divorce was for other people, not me. I did all the things I was told you were suppose to do. I did what I had to do for my family. For that, this is my reward.

So, yes, I'm having a pity party. I guess I'm glad no one reads this blog, because I'm sure it would make anyone reading throw up at my self indulged grief.

Sleep is starting to come now. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. I will make a plan to get out and do things I enjoy. I will try and be positive and stop making myself a prisoner of my grief. There has to be more that I can do that will take my mind off of my problems and off of my husband.

"To get out of my head." That should be my goal.