I am mad at myself right now.

I let a couple of good days with my husband and kids get to me and I actually asked him to consider letting us be a family again.

How stupid.

I don't even know what that means, "being a family again?"

He doesn't want to sleep with me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to really spend that much time with me.

He does want me to cook for him. I did that a couple of times this weekend as he has been working to finish the foyer in the basement. I thought it rude to not at least feed him as he is paying for and doing the work.

He does want me to be there when he wants company. He asked me to have lunch with him on Saturday.

But he doesn't want to be married and he doesn't want to be with me, and he is convinced he doesn't love me.

I'm an idiot.

I should be grateful for this chance to finally be free of all of this. Free of his judgmental family. Free of his lies and emotional abuses. Free to maybe find someone someday that will treat me with respect and love. I'm not even sure I would recognize that if it hit me in the face.

I'm reading this second book my therapist lent me titled "The Dance of Deception." Its about truth telling and pretending in women's lives. It was a slow start, but it is getting much more interesting. I have seen myself in several of the case studies. I need to write more about what I'm reading in these books. I need to find the real me that isn't afraid of challenge and change. The woman that earned a PhD and then was made to feel bad for being smart by his family. I swear that is the only reason they thought the things they did. I HAD to be a princess, because I thought I was better then them! How about, in my family we did what we were told to do, and we didn't come into the kitchen to help unless asked?

Or how about, I had to burn the candle at both ends in order to keep my job, so yes, I'm not overly social right now because I'm dog tired! I reduce my work load so I don't have to be so stressed and my husband announces he is going to leave anyway!

Damn it! Nothing I do is good enough for him or his family so I should be grateful to be out. I only wish I had the money to afford this divorce and I would get it over with. Right now, I can't even afford rent on a cheap apartment. There is no place to go but stay here and try to make the best out of it.

I need to regain my dignity and stop asking stupid requests like that.

I have to respect myself enough to know I don't need him or any man to be happy. He is just the father of my kids and nothing more to me now. I need to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

My son always said I was happier when he was gone. I should listen more to my son and less to my unhealthy self.