Some people are obsessed with the weather.
Some people obsess over their looks.
Some people like me obsess over what other people think, primarily of me.
It's that abandonment thing again. If people leave me, it has to be because of me. I did something wrong. Always doing something wrong. Never smart enough, talented enough, clever enough. Basically, not perfect enough. There has to be something wrong with me.
If you are reading this you are thinking, man that girl is full of herself. It's self-centered-ness in the disguise of caring and reflecting for improvement. It's got nothing to do with improving myself, but it does have everything to do with taking blame where there may not be any blame at all. It's about believing I matter so much to others that I alone am responsible for their decisions.
Now this is not to say, I don't matter, nor is it to say there are things I do that aren't annoying. What I am saying is, there are reasons why people choose to do what they do that have nothing to do with me.
Right now, I'm obsessed with trying to make it all better. If I do enough, say the right words, act the right way, everything will be okay. My husband will love me and want to come back. That is called, lying to myself.
I don't control anything but what I do. I know that in my head, but my heart is a stubborn character that doesn't want any part of that.
I'm going to start reading and working the steps as they say in 12-step recovery. I'm going to try and write more about me and what I am doing to heal and become intimate with myself. I will pray for wisdom for myself and for my husband. That is all I can do for him. I will pray he has the wisdom to see the issues in his own life and have the courage to change them for himself. I'm not convinced he has the courage to do that. I hope I am wrong.
So I am off to read about the first step. In a sense I have introduced it in this posting. Its about being powerless.
For a control freak like myself, this is probably going to be the hardest of all the steps. That first step of faith we take when we realize that somethings we have no power over.
I know in my very being that I do love my husband. The question is, do I love him enough to let him go so I don't get pulled further down in his under-tow? Some times the right thing is not the thing we want to do.
Even if he isn't willing to change, I must if I am going to have any peace in this second half of my life.
Some people obsess over their looks.
Some people like me obsess over what other people think, primarily of me.
It's that abandonment thing again. If people leave me, it has to be because of me. I did something wrong. Always doing something wrong. Never smart enough, talented enough, clever enough. Basically, not perfect enough. There has to be something wrong with me.
If you are reading this you are thinking, man that girl is full of herself. It's self-centered-ness in the disguise of caring and reflecting for improvement. It's got nothing to do with improving myself, but it does have everything to do with taking blame where there may not be any blame at all. It's about believing I matter so much to others that I alone am responsible for their decisions.
Now this is not to say, I don't matter, nor is it to say there are things I do that aren't annoying. What I am saying is, there are reasons why people choose to do what they do that have nothing to do with me.
Right now, I'm obsessed with trying to make it all better. If I do enough, say the right words, act the right way, everything will be okay. My husband will love me and want to come back. That is called, lying to myself.
I don't control anything but what I do. I know that in my head, but my heart is a stubborn character that doesn't want any part of that.
I'm going to start reading and working the steps as they say in 12-step recovery. I'm going to try and write more about me and what I am doing to heal and become intimate with myself. I will pray for wisdom for myself and for my husband. That is all I can do for him. I will pray he has the wisdom to see the issues in his own life and have the courage to change them for himself. I'm not convinced he has the courage to do that. I hope I am wrong.
So I am off to read about the first step. In a sense I have introduced it in this posting. Its about being powerless.
For a control freak like myself, this is probably going to be the hardest of all the steps. That first step of faith we take when we realize that somethings we have no power over.
I know in my very being that I do love my husband. The question is, do I love him enough to let him go so I don't get pulled further down in his under-tow? Some times the right thing is not the thing we want to do.
Even if he isn't willing to change, I must if I am going to have any peace in this second half of my life.
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