Its been a week since I last wrote. A lot can happen in a week.

Something has snapped in me I guess. I no longer believe that my marriage is fixable. I no longer believe that my husband is capable of any change. I do believe that he intends to do what is best for him at the expense of the kids and I, so I have come to my own decisions on things.

I didn't want this mess, nor do I want divorce. I do however want peace and I want my kids and I to be able to move forward and rebuild our self-esteem and trust. My son is ready to launch, but his sister is not, and as long as this nightmare is allowed to continue, she never will be. So for that reason, I have made my decision and now I have to save my money.

Tonight he comes home after being gone for two-weeks. We haven't really spoken in that time except by email, and that was short and too the point. He won't be welcome around me while he is here. I have set my boundaries and have spoken to the kids that it is very important that he not be encouraged to come upstairs. I am still withdrawing from him and I know that if I spend any time with him at all, I will want him again. I can't allow myself to do that.

Whatever I had loved about him is gone. I can't even cry any more. It is just empty now.

I've been trying to read this book that my therapist loaned me. Its a difficult read because I see truth in it about myself and how I handle my relationships, not just with my husband, but with my mom and sister. I had a lot of hurt and anger which I have been able to drain like poison from a wound over the past few years, but the void that is leaves needs filled with new ways of dealing with conflicts and general communication that won't lead to the same failed results.

In a way the book is meant to be positive, but its taking me a long time to read because it depresses me like that last book. Each page reminds me that, unless my husband is ready to face his own demons, there is no hope for this relationship, and hence why I refuse to go up against anymore windmills.

I read a comment from my online support group that simply asked if your tired of doing all the feeling in the relationship? That hit me hard, because that is exactly what I have been doing. All the love, all the caring, all the emotion of this marriage has been coming from me, and now that I have stopped supplying it, there is none coming back.

I have been the entire relationship.

So that has been my thought for the week, and why I have come to the choice I have. The dreams still haunt me, but as I gain confidence in my choice they should ease.

There is no turning back from this point forward.