I had an email conversation today with my husband who is now at his new location. I finally said it. I told him that I don't believe that I love him, but I loved being in a relationship with him. He was gracious in return and said again how he wanted to work on having a friendship. For him that may mean just a "pat on the back, how'ya doin'" kind of friendship. I really don't know, because as far as I was concerned we were between acquaintance and friends, but not "good friends." I told him that I could be comfortable and happy with him for many years to come, but I could not love someone that would not confide in me.

He did write back to reassure me that he did want to work on being friends. He felt this past weekend was a very good start. I agree with that view.

We also agree that we are pretty much stuck in marriage together until the economy changes and the house can sell for the proper price. That could be up to four years from now when my daughter graduates high school.

So I will continue to work on me and hopefully we might be able to one day be real friends if he wishes and maybe develop a real intimacy together. If not, I'll be okay because I've chosen to no longer suffer and to get on with the business of life. To quote Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive." :)

Seriously, I do have a lot of work to do, but tonight as I was attending a band concert that both my kids were in, I actually knew a few people and spoke with them. I didn't feel so out of the loop as I had before. All of the folks I spoke to attend out at the Methodist church I have been attending. That honestly made me feel like I belonged in the community for a change. I didn't feel overwhelmed to be alone. I was able to relax and just enjoy myself. It still stings to realize that I am becoming a single woman emotionally, but I don't fear it like I did before. I'm almost relieved.

With or with out him, I'll be a better, healthy person.