I slept better last night. I wasn't as tired today and I think that helped my mood. Perhaps it was the death of my sister that was really eating at me. I personally hate the month of March. Sadder still is the fact that April 3rd is the anniversary of my dad realizing something was wrong with him. I remember because mom kept saying it was the day after their anniversary. No matter what, this time of year just sucks.

I do feel a lot better tonight. I think writing about what I'm feeling has been helping to release it so I can stop thinking about it so much. It is if I'm talking to someone out there that is actually listening. I do know better, but in my mind, I see that faceless someone out there reading and feeling for me, and it makes me feel better.

I don't feel very supported right now. It's not true, but I do feel it. My fears of abandonment have kicked up and then there is this whole "why do they hate me?" paranoia. I think I'm in withdrawal again. I let my hopes build a little that my husband may be coming around, but he's not. So I have to bring my expectation levels down again, and just frankly...let go.

I was happier when I did let go. He's definitely ignoring my emails now and so is his sister. The family has circled the wagons and pushed me outside to fend for myself.

I was never accepted by them anyway. At first yes, but I didn't conform. I was tossed away long before it got this serious.

I had a plan for the week and I abandoned it. It may have kept me from feeling this down. I'm going to start using some of this "free time" to meditate a bit during this Lenten season on the trials that Jesus faced. Whether you believe him to be the divine son of God, or a prophet, Jesus faced a lot of trials for his belief. My trials aren't anywhere near as hard as his, and last I heard, I'm not going to be put to death for them. There is lessons in how he behaved to those around him for me.

My son told me I was a failure last week. Maybe he was right, but if I am, then there really isn't much more to hang on to then. It should make it easier to just let go of my life, as there is nothing there to hang on to. It seems to me, everyone else has no problem letting go of me, why should I not also let go of what I thought was important and let what is important fill in the gaps?

What is important is that I start caring for me. What is hard is actually doing that.