After a pretty nice weekend, I had a realization today, that I may truly not love my husband. The following is a letter I wrote to my online support group.
I wrote:
"One of the things I have gained the most from this list, is becoming aware of my actions and thoughts. I feel the craving for a new relationship to replace the one I had with my husband, and I recognize it and in so doing, beat it back down a bit. Well, I think I had another awareness moment this weekend.
As I was driving home from work, it dawned on me just how shallow our relationship must have been. What we experienced Saturday night felt normal. We had fun and I was okay. But then I heard it from his lips the next day that he was just "being friendly." It couldn't been any clearer to me. We could have gone to bed together Saturday night, (we didn't) and I would have thought all was okay. He could have said he loved me again and played the role, but it wouldn't have been any different on his part, but I would have felt euphoric that I had my husband back.
That depresses me, but also makes sense to me now. This is how addicted to the IDEA of a relationship I am. I confuse just "being friends" with love because the correct words were spoken, not actually felt. What ever hope I thought I had is gone now.
It really is sad to think that the past 23 years was a delusion. I got some nice things out of it, but the thing I wanted most was never there."
Even now as I ponder what I wrote it occurs to me that I would be very happy to continue with him another 23-years, just the way things were. He would say the right words, then enjoy having all the physical comforts of being home. Again, as I think of the things he said about his company doing so poorly right now, I'm reminded how when he lost his job before, I knew nothing of it, until it was close to him losing it. His "friend" knew all, but he wasn't sharing it with me. This has gone on for many months before he told me what was going on, and again, his "friend" knew it before me I'm sure. She was feeding his ego and being his fully attentive ear, while I was bogged down with school and work.
He really doesn't love me, and I don't think he really is my friend. He doesn't want to be enemies, but yet, I get this feeling that he would sell me out again if it suited his purposes. He was in fact seducing me again this weekend, but this time, he had the decency to at least not try to be physical. It may have crossed his mind, but at least that didn't happen.
The moral of the story in this is, yes I can be nice and enjoy the time out, but I need to keep my guard up fully. He is not to be trusted and certainly does not have my best interests in mind.
So, I guess the writing is officially on the wall. He has no intention of preserving the family. The family is just us three now, and he helps pay the bills.
I wrote:
"One of the things I have gained the most from this list, is becoming aware of my actions and thoughts. I feel the craving for a new relationship to replace the one I had with my husband, and I recognize it and in so doing, beat it back down a bit. Well, I think I had another awareness moment this weekend.
As I was driving home from work, it dawned on me just how shallow our relationship must have been. What we experienced Saturday night felt normal. We had fun and I was okay. But then I heard it from his lips the next day that he was just "being friendly." It couldn't been any clearer to me. We could have gone to bed together Saturday night, (we didn't) and I would have thought all was okay. He could have said he loved me again and played the role, but it wouldn't have been any different on his part, but I would have felt euphoric that I had my husband back.
That depresses me, but also makes sense to me now. This is how addicted to the IDEA of a relationship I am. I confuse just "being friends" with love because the correct words were spoken, not actually felt. What ever hope I thought I had is gone now.
It really is sad to think that the past 23 years was a delusion. I got some nice things out of it, but the thing I wanted most was never there."
Even now as I ponder what I wrote it occurs to me that I would be very happy to continue with him another 23-years, just the way things were. He would say the right words, then enjoy having all the physical comforts of being home. Again, as I think of the things he said about his company doing so poorly right now, I'm reminded how when he lost his job before, I knew nothing of it, until it was close to him losing it. His "friend" knew all, but he wasn't sharing it with me. This has gone on for many months before he told me what was going on, and again, his "friend" knew it before me I'm sure. She was feeding his ego and being his fully attentive ear, while I was bogged down with school and work.
He really doesn't love me, and I don't think he really is my friend. He doesn't want to be enemies, but yet, I get this feeling that he would sell me out again if it suited his purposes. He was in fact seducing me again this weekend, but this time, he had the decency to at least not try to be physical. It may have crossed his mind, but at least that didn't happen.
The moral of the story in this is, yes I can be nice and enjoy the time out, but I need to keep my guard up fully. He is not to be trusted and certainly does not have my best interests in mind.
So, I guess the writing is officially on the wall. He has no intention of preserving the family. The family is just us three now, and he helps pay the bills.
|
