I don't have too much to write about tonight. I tried to email my husband while he is out of town to fill him in on things. No answer, and I guess I never expected one. I have been reflecting some today on the words of Jesus to "pray for our enemies." I don't know if I would consider him an enemy, but I do know he isn't a friend.

I know that sooner or later, I will have to forgive him in order to move on with my life. I'm still holding on, still hoping. Just too much makes sense right now. He never said he loved me much beyond those first few years. He would say it, but only in response. His treatment of me, the indifference, the failure to deal fairly and honestly. His lack of concern for my needs. I can go on and on. Do I need a relationship this badly?

I caught myself trying to find matches on e-harmony.com. Curiosity I think more then anything, but why would I do that? Why would I even try to involve someone else right now?

I have been fighting the non-stop checking of my email. He isn't going to write back, and if he does, it may be a couple of days. He doesn't want me. Why can't I see that? Why do I think because of all the years we spent, that he would want to preserve it and our family? My son understands it better then I do. I'm holding on to something that never was.

Hurt pride, or just plain hurt.

I don't want to be alone, but I'm not alone. I continue to be in limbo.

I will work on trying to shore up my security and the kids security. Perhaps in that I can finally achieve some peace of mind. When I know I can take care of myself and support these kids, then I know I can walk away free.

I keep having this sick feeling that things will get under control financially, and he will suddenly be "okay again" just like he was when all of this happened before and I got my job. He was all ready to just lead me on until the kids were gone, until I got the job, then all of a sudden he loved me again.

He will find his way out of the dark abyss, and then he will be "okay" with me. I think I hope I'm wrong, because if I'm right, I may have to walk away from him. I can't have a part-time friend/husband. A man that was never there for me when I needed him, shouldn't have my love when things are good.

So there I am tonight. Fighting the urge to act like and idiot, yet, knowing in my heart I am one. I did the right thing to open up the lines of communication. The ball is in his court now and I have to move on as if I never did.