I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Tonight my daughter and I went out to a local eatery where my son was playing bassoon tonight with two of his friends. It is becoming some what of a habit now to go out there on Saturday night as it gets me out of the house and I love to hear him play. Tonight though, the parents of one of the performers were there as well. They are a loving, kind couple, and of course they ask, "Where is your hubby tonight?"

I stammered a bit and said, "Out of town."

It wasn't a lie, he is out of town, but I didn't share that we are separated either. I couldn't do it. I was having a pretty good day today, and that one question sent me crashing to the ground. I felt alone for the first time in a long time, and I cried a bit when I got home. I miss him very much right now, but then I got hold of myself, and started reading through a friend's blog. I had no idea that she is on her second marriage.

I have to think that life can go forward and there must be someone out there for me that will treat me with respect and kindness.

I had a real heart to heart with my son this past week. He is hurt and angry and I can't blame him one bit. We failed as parents to provide the security he and his sister both needed. My husband failed to provide the security that I needed. So, having defined a major issue, I have had to take on the role of rebuilding that security for my kids, alone.

I have chosen to take on this financial monster on my own. I hope my husband will get it together and start finding the money to pay off his debts, but I am budgeting and watching every penny that I spend. I don't make excuses for what I spend, I spend it, and I record the amount and then instead of getting frustrated and quitting, I learn from it and move on. It is my hope to save out enough each month to help my son buy his bassoon. If is father is able to come through, then great, I'll have money set aside for a new place to live, but if he doesn't, I want to be there for my son.

I honestly should be happier that he is gone right now. I had a terrible dream last night that I not only found out there were other women, but other children as well. I never woke up so depressed in my life. I know it is just my paranoia coming out, but it could also be me telling myself to not forget who he really is. What is the point of having him back, when he has no intention of changing?

I am 50 years old.

I am separated.

I am feeling alone and supporting the weight of this mess on my shoulders.

I am budgeting.

I am paying the bills.

I am capable of getting through this.

I will get through this for the sake of my kids, and for my own sanity.

I am not really alone.