I really don't have too much to vent about tonight. Maybe the worst of it is over, or maybe because there was some good TV on tonight? I just know, that I seem okay tonight.

I saw my therapist today, and got a lot out about how I was feeling and how I was doing. I do have a lot of anger, but even with that said, I want to be pro-active. I want to keep seeking sources of support. Today my sister told me about a group called "Celebrate Recovery." They have a group that meets up in a local community, so I emailed the group organizer and hope to get some information about it. It could be another opportunity to find new friends, and help ease through this transition time to being a single person.

That was a point brought up tonight. I'm in this weird purgatory. I'm legally married, yet I am feeling more and more like a single woman. The big risk right now is in wanting to replace one relationship with another. I find myself scanning the rooms I'm in looking for wedding rings. I have snooped around dating websites to see what men are available in this area. The problem is, that its not me. I don't think you find a genuine relationship via an Internet "shopping cart." It just doesn't seem very natural.

I did something interesting last night though. I actually visualized pushing the bad feelings out of my body and then again this morning driving to work. I had this image of that "black oil" alien from the x-files that oozed into a human host via the eyes. I pictured the bad feelings were this black oil and I was pushing it out of my body. It actually worked. I think that and acknowledging the loss of my sister and dad helped a bit too.

My husband may want to bury himself in his work and pretend he's happy, but I am choosing to move forward and reach out to others.

My sister said, I feel defeated because I have lost a few battles, but I will win the war. I hope she is right. I want to win so I can move forward and be happy. I don't want to live in the past and regret what "could have been if."

So tonight, I don't have any serious complaints. I am aware and recognize my fear and paranoia. I don't have to give into them. I have my study guide for Sunday morning to read, and maybe I will become involved with a f2f support group to augment my online group.

I am not the person that my in-laws and husband want me to be. I am the person I choose to see. I see a person that is doing something she loves for her career, that is successful at it and will beat this financial monster once and for all and gain financial freedom. I see a woman that loves her kids and hopefully history will be kind that I did do what I could for them. I guess it doesn't matter if they think I'm great, its what I know that I did that was the right thing. To ask forgiveness when I'm wrong, and to keep trying everyday to be better.

I guess that is the one thing about life I have grown to appreciate. Each day, is a new chance to be better then the day before. To pick yourself up and do it all over again the way you wanted to when you messed up. For that I'm grateful to God for the opportunity to try and be better.