Today was the first day that I didn't wake up thinking of my husband. I was actually consciously thinking of him as I was driving to work when it hit me, I HAD to think about him, not that he was present on my mind. That is a huge change for me.
Yesterday I wrote to him a few times in email and I finally said that I didn't think I loved him. I admitted something that I never thought I would say. I honestly don't feel love for him. In fact, I'm thinking its indifference. Much like he said he felt for me. He wants to be friends, but I don't see us ever being good friends.
The last two days, I asked my daughter to not contact her dad and see if he would text or call her. He didn't. It was pretty much what I thought was happening. He wasn't making the effort to call or text her even to say good night to her or ask her how her day was. She's been doing it. I think the same is true with my son. He's been the one initiating the contact. Dad is "too busy."
That is pretty much what has been going on for a long time. I stayed and cared for the kids, while he went off to work, or go on trips, and then fly into their lives, cause havoc on our routine and then get mad at me for "spoiling the good time."
I can be very cordial with him, and we may even be friends for the sake of the kids, but we will never be good friends. We aren't going to have that deep friendship that a healthy marriage needs. There can be no intimacy with a man that doesn't want anything more then a superficial relationship.
Maybe his boss did send him out there. Maybe my husband manipulated a bit to get his boss to do so. Either way, he got what he wanted. A free ticket out of town, occasional visits with the kids and do some work on the house, and then off again to enjoy his freedom while I stay and hold all the pieces together.
In time I will find someone that really loves me and in the meantime, I will watch how healthy couples behave and learn from them. I will take my time now, putting my daughter first until she is 18. Hopefully age will bring some wisdom as well as the sting of what can happen when one doesn't really consider what they are getting into.
I don't believe my husband will ever try to be a real friend. He will visit, he will have fun, but he will not put any more investment into a relationship then that. I plan to not email him until I hear from him first. If he wants to build a friendship, let him take the first step.
I'm going to be "too busy" myself making new friends and exploring new options.
Yesterday I wrote to him a few times in email and I finally said that I didn't think I loved him. I admitted something that I never thought I would say. I honestly don't feel love for him. In fact, I'm thinking its indifference. Much like he said he felt for me. He wants to be friends, but I don't see us ever being good friends.
The last two days, I asked my daughter to not contact her dad and see if he would text or call her. He didn't. It was pretty much what I thought was happening. He wasn't making the effort to call or text her even to say good night to her or ask her how her day was. She's been doing it. I think the same is true with my son. He's been the one initiating the contact. Dad is "too busy."
That is pretty much what has been going on for a long time. I stayed and cared for the kids, while he went off to work, or go on trips, and then fly into their lives, cause havoc on our routine and then get mad at me for "spoiling the good time."
I can be very cordial with him, and we may even be friends for the sake of the kids, but we will never be good friends. We aren't going to have that deep friendship that a healthy marriage needs. There can be no intimacy with a man that doesn't want anything more then a superficial relationship.
Maybe his boss did send him out there. Maybe my husband manipulated a bit to get his boss to do so. Either way, he got what he wanted. A free ticket out of town, occasional visits with the kids and do some work on the house, and then off again to enjoy his freedom while I stay and hold all the pieces together.
In time I will find someone that really loves me and in the meantime, I will watch how healthy couples behave and learn from them. I will take my time now, putting my daughter first until she is 18. Hopefully age will bring some wisdom as well as the sting of what can happen when one doesn't really consider what they are getting into.
I don't believe my husband will ever try to be a real friend. He will visit, he will have fun, but he will not put any more investment into a relationship then that. I plan to not email him until I hear from him first. If he wants to build a friendship, let him take the first step.
I'm going to be "too busy" myself making new friends and exploring new options.
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