It has been a stressful day.
My estranged husband woke me up today at 8 am hammering in the
basement foyer. He never called to say what time he would be here.
Not even a short email. I would have been awake and dressed. Instead
all of us were asleep. Even though I would have gotten up in the next
half hour or so, it was the weekend!
I called my friend who is not a sponsor, but is close enough of one
having been through the 12-step program with AA. We made plans to get
out of the house this evening to hear my son play bassoon. This was a
good thing, because about 2:30 this afternoon he called me on my cell
phone to ask if I wanted to go out and "do something" tonight. I told
him that I had made plans to be out. He asked to come upstairs and
just talk, but I told him no I had just started something. (I was
actually doing my nails.)
As I write this he is now taking my daughter out to see a movie in place of going out with me. He told her he wanted to spend more time with her. HA! For her sake, at least she does get to spend time with him.
I have one more day of this before he goes back to the other side of the state.
I feel so sick inside. Everything in me wanted to say "YES I'll go
with you." Anything to see him and be near him. Then my head said to
my heart, "where is your self respect?"
I am stepping out of denial now. I know there can be no future with
him. Unfortunately instead of feeling better, I feel worse, because
now I'm in full rejection.
My friend told me it was the addiction making me feel this way,
wanting to shelve my self-respect one more time to be accommodating to
him. I was just going to be "something to do." Guilt eased, mission
accomplished and back to his internet friend and his 24/7 job. There
was none of this before he had his new position across the state. He
barely looked at me or talked to me. Didn't want to go on any dates
and when we did he was miserable. Now that he has his new life, he
can be generous and kind.
I am naive and overly trusting, but even I have my limits and I'm not stupid.
I took my wedding ring off today when I did my nails, and I haven't
put it back on. I think it is time to stop pretending that I share
anything with him other then a last name. I don't need it to remember
that I have no interest in finding a replacement. For as much as I
crave a relationship, I can't stand the thought of going through this
all again.
Dogs make much better companions.
My estranged husband woke me up today at 8 am hammering in the
basement foyer. He never called to say what time he would be here.
Not even a short email. I would have been awake and dressed. Instead
all of us were asleep. Even though I would have gotten up in the next
half hour or so, it was the weekend!
I called my friend who is not a sponsor, but is close enough of one
having been through the 12-step program with AA. We made plans to get
out of the house this evening to hear my son play bassoon. This was a
good thing, because about 2:30 this afternoon he called me on my cell
phone to ask if I wanted to go out and "do something" tonight. I told
him that I had made plans to be out. He asked to come upstairs and
just talk, but I told him no I had just started something. (I was
actually doing my nails.)
As I write this he is now taking my daughter out to see a movie in place of going out with me. He told her he wanted to spend more time with her. HA! For her sake, at least she does get to spend time with him.
I have one more day of this before he goes back to the other side of the state.
I feel so sick inside. Everything in me wanted to say "YES I'll go
with you." Anything to see him and be near him. Then my head said to
my heart, "where is your self respect?"
I am stepping out of denial now. I know there can be no future with
him. Unfortunately instead of feeling better, I feel worse, because
now I'm in full rejection.
My friend told me it was the addiction making me feel this way,
wanting to shelve my self-respect one more time to be accommodating to
him. I was just going to be "something to do." Guilt eased, mission
accomplished and back to his internet friend and his 24/7 job. There
was none of this before he had his new position across the state. He
barely looked at me or talked to me. Didn't want to go on any dates
and when we did he was miserable. Now that he has his new life, he
can be generous and kind.
I am naive and overly trusting, but even I have my limits and I'm not stupid.
I took my wedding ring off today when I did my nails, and I haven't
put it back on. I think it is time to stop pretending that I share
anything with him other then a last name. I don't need it to remember
that I have no interest in finding a replacement. For as much as I
crave a relationship, I can't stand the thought of going through this
all again.
Dogs make much better companions.
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