To put up with… distortions and to stick to ones guns come what may. This is the… gift of leadership. ~ Gandhi

The withdrawal symptoms are beginning again for me. I'm good as long as my husband is away from us, but he is coming back this weekend to work in the basement and probably sleep here as well. He keeps saying he will move out, but only after he comes back to our city full time. Who knows when that will be?

So he is coming back and he wants to try and take me to dinner and shoot some pool, because well you know, he "wants to be friends."

We did this before he left town 2 weeks ago, and it went well, but as I said then, it felt a bit too normal, and this is when I realized how much in denial I was. I was misinterpreting his "just being friends" with being "in love" with me. So, I now recognize this and I have written about it. I have spoken to this list, my therapist and my support group about it. I should have the tools now to make a healthy choice. But here I am starting to agonize about him being here.

I'm feeling the pull of wanting to put a happy face on for every one and being "okay" with it. I want to believe there is hope between us. It's me still being in denial.

I did tell him that I wasn't available on Sunday night. He doesn't need to know that Sunday is my support group meeting. According to my son, he is talking about working in the basement all Saturday and into the evening. Phew! I should be happy that means he probably won't have time to spend with me!

I should be relieved, but I'm sad and I'm feeling abandoned and ignored. All the symptoms that I'm not over this withdrawal. I'm not in control of my addiction.

So, I will write more, and read more from my recovery bible. I will read from my participant guide on dealing with the first step of letting go and admitting my powerlessness. My head is right there, it knows what the correct answers are, but my heart is still refusing to give up. I know there can be only one outcome from this, because my husband refuses to see his own need to change. He is free to live his life now away from us. He doesn't have to face his responsibilities now, but instead just "write a check" when needed. He can be a big man now around us. He can just be friends now.

I've made a plan in light of my feelings.

If he does in fact blow off wanting to spend time with me in favor of working on the basement foyer, I have plans to go out and hear my son play bassoon and then maybe go over to the local bookstore and browse. I will stay away from the house as long as I can before coming home and then going upstairs and shutting the door. I will set and keep my boundaries just like he wasn't here.

I hate feeling like this. I don't want to numb my feelings, but I will be so thrilled to get past this point where it matters to me that he is around. Twenty-three years is a long time to walk away from. I can't even imagine what it would be like to date again, and frankly I'm not all that interested unless I could fill my need for a relationship and not have to go out with anyone! :)

Okay that is a pipe dream.

I will say that I was definitely holding to my guns about Sunday. I would find it embarrassing to call the leader of my group to tell her I wouldn't be at my second meeting with them because the object of my addiction wanted to go out and play pool. I hope to get to the point where I can say no to any time I don't feel comfortable. Then I will know I am really far more sober then I have ever been.