Tonight I'm the closest to sober I have ever been. This weekend was an emotional one. I told my husband no to spending time with me. I made my own plans and did them. I didn't accommodate him to fill in the time he was here "entertaining him." I deserve better then to be a last minute thought.
I went to my f2f group tonight. I feel so akin to these few women
that I am with as if I am entering a sorority of women who have
suffered being "pink slipped" after 20+ years of marriage. I
definitely do not feel alone.
I feel a great deal of pity for my husband. He is alone. He is
trying to control his life, trying to do it all on his own. He said
today how happy he was to see just how well I was doing and how happy
I was. I am doing well, and I am happy, because I no longer choose to
suffer and I got help.. a LOT of help. He chooses to suffer and
refuses to get help. He still insists he doesn't need to change.
He is the captain of his own Titanic. Never believing that his ship will sink.
I have a good life. I have two amazing kids that I love and
appreciate so much. He may have his freedom, but he is alone. He
should be having a party, after all he won! But he is miserable and
he is alone.
I went to sleep with a clear conscience Saturday night. I had a
wonderful Sunday being with friends most of the day and my recovery
group at night.
I did speak with him as I said this afternoon. I told him there is a
window open for him, but he has to do the work and get help. I want a
healthy marriage and you can't do that if the people in it aren't
healthy. He isn't. Until he admits it and seeks help, I will move on
with my life, and if need be, I will end it when the house can be
sold.
He did leave me with the warning that he may be seeking a new job.
He's scared that he will be laid off. That doesn't bode well for
keeping the house if he does, but I don't need to be peeing in my
present with worry about the future.
So I kept my dignity, I left an opening for him, but told him the ball
is in his court. I am giving over control of this outcome and working
on just me now.
I would love to say I'm gratefully sober as of 04/19/2009, but I
can't. I will reserve that when I can hear from and be around my
husband without any emotional pull or physical attraction, and when I
can be so filled with my own self worth and esteem that I never feel
panic again to be in a relationship.
Tonight, I feel a whole lot closer to that then I did when I first
started this blog.
I went to my f2f group tonight. I feel so akin to these few women
that I am with as if I am entering a sorority of women who have
suffered being "pink slipped" after 20+ years of marriage. I
definitely do not feel alone.
I feel a great deal of pity for my husband. He is alone. He is
trying to control his life, trying to do it all on his own. He said
today how happy he was to see just how well I was doing and how happy
I was. I am doing well, and I am happy, because I no longer choose to
suffer and I got help.. a LOT of help. He chooses to suffer and
refuses to get help. He still insists he doesn't need to change.
He is the captain of his own Titanic. Never believing that his ship will sink.
I have a good life. I have two amazing kids that I love and
appreciate so much. He may have his freedom, but he is alone. He
should be having a party, after all he won! But he is miserable and
he is alone.
I went to sleep with a clear conscience Saturday night. I had a
wonderful Sunday being with friends most of the day and my recovery
group at night.
I did speak with him as I said this afternoon. I told him there is a
window open for him, but he has to do the work and get help. I want a
healthy marriage and you can't do that if the people in it aren't
healthy. He isn't. Until he admits it and seeks help, I will move on
with my life, and if need be, I will end it when the house can be
sold.
He did leave me with the warning that he may be seeking a new job.
He's scared that he will be laid off. That doesn't bode well for
keeping the house if he does, but I don't need to be peeing in my
present with worry about the future.
So I kept my dignity, I left an opening for him, but told him the ball
is in his court. I am giving over control of this outcome and working
on just me now.
I would love to say I'm gratefully sober as of 04/19/2009, but I
can't. I will reserve that when I can hear from and be around my
husband without any emotional pull or physical attraction, and when I
can be so filled with my own self worth and esteem that I never feel
panic again to be in a relationship.
Tonight, I feel a whole lot closer to that then I did when I first
started this blog.
