One of the things I have picked up again has been crocheting.

I did it for two reasons.

First, I have always wanted to crochet and for some reason never got the knack.  Second, I could put it to good use to help others by joining the prayer shawl ministry at the new church I joined.  Win-win.

Although I joined the group, they were finishing for the fall, so I missed out helping this year, but I will be in it for 2010.  In the meantime, the lap afghan I made first went to a dear friend who has been suffering from sever pain in her back and legs.  I felt it was in the spirit of what it was dedicated for, so I gave it to her for Christmas.

Next, I started afghans for my son and daughter.  I have been crocheting as fast as I  could to finish my son's before he goes back to school, but I think I'll be shipping it.

I have been crocheting so much that I have been having dreams about it!

I have shoulder and upper arm pain.  I never realized how much of my upper body I was using to support the growing weight of the afghan as it stretches over my legs.  But I am bound and determined to get it done.

After finishing his, I have to finish my daughter's.  My goal is to have them both done so they can use them during the winter months.

I have always enjoyed the satisfaction of making my own creations.  Crocheting has been fast and rewarding to see the afghan just grow over my lap and legs with each row I hook.  It keeps my hands busy and focused to keeps me from sinking into moods.  I pray a lot when I crochet when I feel like wrestling demons in my head.  It's a positive way of dealing with stress and daily problems.

As I make things for others, it gives me another sense of "giving back."  It is very hard to feel sorry for myself when I give back to others.  I guess that is why I love teaching so much.  It is a way to give back to a new generation and hope they don't mess up as bad as mine did.  Each student is a new hope that this next group will get it "right."

I have been thinking what I may tackel next?

I have always wanted to quilt.

Today was not over the top.

Today was not filled with overt celebration, tons of family or over fattening meals.

Today was a normal day, but with presents and a trip to the movie theater.

For the most part, I think we got what we all wanted. I got my kids together, getting along and having a nice time. My son has his new concert instrument and got some new pj bottoms out of the deal. My daughter, her iPod touch to annoy me with for the new year.

It was simple.

For dinner, I crock potted a roast. No fancy turkey or trimmings. It was fine. Roast, a baked sweet potato and Ceaser salad. It was just enough.

We spent a few hours out in the movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes.

We spent a quiet evening at home. I crocheted and watched old reruns of Bewitched, with the real Darren of coure. My daughter watched downloaded anime, and my son rehearsed.

No stress.

I'm not sure I wouldn't have enjoyed a family gathering. Maybe in time but not right now. We are all still healing and adjusting. Maybe when I'm finally out of limbo? Until then, I like things the way they are. I'm taking it at my pace and what I think is the pace of my kids.

So as I head to bed, I go to sleep knowing that we got through this holiday together. No tears, no sadness.

It was a good day.

Tonight, for the first time since leaving Ohio, I attended a wonderful candle light service at First United Methodist. I've so missed the beauty of the decorations and the joy of singing carols and taking communion. For a few minutes one can believe that maybe "peace on earth, good will to men," may really happen for longer then the time it takes to sing Silent Night.

Despite going into the evening with some bad feelings about things that aren't really in my control, I came out of it happy for the experience, and happy to have shared it with my two kids. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness tonight. I have a home, and a church family that knows me and cares about my family.

I'm part of the community now. That alone is the best Christmas present I could ever receive.

Merry Christmas 2009.

It's been a year now.

It was about this time last year that my husband finally became unwound. It would be our last Christmas together as a family. Then New Year's rolled around and he came unglued completely and left.

So what do I think of all of this now that a year has gone by?

In sum, the man that desperately wanted out is still out, but has yet to file the papers to be "free of me." I don't know why. I'm sure he thinks its because he can't afford a divorce. Let him think what he wants as long as he pays for the house and the truck and gives me money for the kids.

But how do I feel about it all?

I guess I still feel for him. I guess if he were to tell me he was seeking help I would be loyal and faithful and stand by his side. But why? Was he ever loyal and faithful to me? What is it about him that I still love? What has he given me other then two kids and a lot of debt? I guess I need to keep working on me more. I have got him framed as the father of our kids and my business partner. That much keeps me sane.

What has this year brought to me?

I lost a husband, but I found myself. I'm not the scared timid mouse I was. I confront again and stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to try new things, and I'm very much an over achiever. It's nice to succeed at things and not be slapped in a passive agressive manner. He always said how proud he was of me and how much he supported me, but he was very quick with insults and back handed compliments to remind me how little he did think of me.

No, I don't want him back. I have been relaxed and happy for the most part this year. My kids are doing better. My daughter is growing up and I have her growing more involved with things that I hope will make her a better person. Most importantly, we have had peaceful holidays. The kids and I could relax and just enjoy what we wanted to do without someone prancing about making us nuts. He couldn't stand to be home, so he would run this way and that. His moods would swing from "I hate holidays and pout," to being "over the top" happy. It was always like he was trying to prove something to himself or to us that he wanted to be with us when all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could.

Well now he has what he wants. He lives alone in an RV trailer in an RV park. He has his phone and computer to keep him connected to the true love of his life, a married woman in Australia with three kids. He doesn't have to give her any thing more then he wants to give and turn her off when he wants. She is a bigger fool then he is for letting him take advantage. They deserve each other. He doesn't have to be emotionally responsible to anyone now. Just write checks and let others take care of the rest. He is in the cat bird seat. I wish him a long, lonely life if he is unwilling to seek the help he needs to live a full life.

I am not going to be defeated by it all. I sink into despair sometimes. I feel sorry for myself to be in such a situation. Living without a loving husband, and having a solid and secure family. But then I remember that we are all responsible our own choices. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be the foundation and support for my kids. I will be there for them, and I will love them unconditionally.

There will be no secrets, and they will feel what it is to have their opinions and feelings respected They will learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. It is the legacy I want to leave them, so that perhaps I can take this yoke of insecurity and disfunction away from them. To have them be confident and happy in their lives is the most important gift I can give them.

Merry Christmas, peace on earth, for this year it is merry and there is peace and in time the part of my life that is vacant will be filled with the good things that should have been there always.

Welcome to my new blog. One that is about me, for me.

Let the adventure begin.

How much more a loser can I be than to fail at a 12-step group? Yup, I left my group I had been working with since August. The leader informed me that she doesn't believe I am answering the questions. That I don't use enough I statements and that maybe I need a therapist.

What a joke.

I listened to her the first time and reached deep to answer a question on what I really fear.

You know what I fear? I fear not having close relationships ever. I was very direct. I was even in tears, when I said it, because it was at the very core of my phobia with getting close to people. All the hurts that I have gone through trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Trying to "fit in" as a round peg in all the square holes. I wasn't good enough for the working moms, because I wanted to stay home. "Why would you be home when you have a PhD?" I didn't fit with stay at home mom's, "You are too smart, you think too much!" I don't fit with men in a male dominated society,"We won't date you, you are the competition." And the coldest of all, to be married to a man that would tell me to my face how proud of me he was, only to talk and snicker behind my back.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

So you know what... to HELL WITH ALL OF YOU THAT DON'T GET ME.

To my OWN SELF I will be true.

If that means I will never have a close, honest relationships, then so be it.

God made me this way, and I will use the gifts he gave me to be the best teacher I can be. To be the best mom I can be.

To just be me.

I don't need a 12-step group to teach me what I already know in my heart.

I have been dominated and controlled enough in my life. I have bent over so much to be "liked and loved" that my back is broken. My heart is broken in pieces and I guess only God and I can put it back together.

I have my kids, my dogs and my students. I am not alone nor am I lonely.

I am at peace right now and I will not let anyone or group or soon to be ex-husband robbed me of that again.

I've been attending two closed group sessions this month. The first is a standard 12-step recovery modeled after the famous AA program. It is my goal to re-frame my thinking away from the unhealthy choices I have made in terms of relationships, and learn to improve the current ones that I have. I especially hope to make sure I don't fall into the same traps that put me in unhealthy love relationships. Sadly that included my current husband. As I've mentioned before, his lack of wanting and getting help for his own issues prevents me from investing any more emotionally into him.

The second group is focused directly on divorce recovery and its lead by my current therapist. She is helping me prepare my mind to make the final separation and pursue a divorce. My heart still tugs at me to not give up on my husband, but he gave up on himself a long time ago, and there is absolutely nothing i can do for him now. So I am working to prepare myself, and hopefully make the transition go as easy as possible.

My homework for that later group was to write a good-bye letter to him. I don't think I will be sending it too him, and unless he has figured out how to find this blog, he most likely won't read it. Never say never of course, but it was not my intention for him to read it. Its for me really. My way of hopefully putting to rest the corpse that was once my marriage.

So, I'm off to write some drafts until I'm sure I have it how I want before I post it.

Tonight is also the last night my son will sleep in his own bed until Thanksgiving. He leaves for college tomorrow, and I couldn't be more happy for him, and more sad to see him go. It's his time to shine on his own, and my time to work on his sister to increase her confidence and self esteem. I have already seen a great deal of progress with her. She doesn't care for the stricter rules, but she isn't fighting me either which tells me she is growing up a bit and relaxing a bit.

Until my next update.

Most my posts are probably not that uplifting. After all its easy to sink into things like what my husband did and how it upset me, etc. But I hope this post won't be that way.

You see, yesterday was my birthday. I'm not big on telling people about it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised when people don't wish me happy birthday, but I got to say, I have been overwhelmed this year. You see, these social network sites publish on your friend's feed facts like your birthday. So yesterday, all day, my phone rang and rang to announce that I had a new posting. Every one was a well wish for a happy birthday. I couldn't get over it.

I didn't need a party, or a fancy cake, though my daughter made me a very special dessert. I didn't even need presents because at my age, there really isn't much that I want that I couldn't get for myself. What I needed was to be thought of.

My husband was in email with me at least 4 times yesterday about this and that. Each time trying to drag me into some conversation about his problems. Each time I avoided it and stuck to the facts of what he was requesting. Not once did he say happy birthday. 23 years of marriage, and you think he would have remembered that yesterday was my birthday. Hell even I said happy birthday too him back in May! So there you have my level of rating in his eyes. He is so consumed with his own issues that he couldn't take a few minutes out to wish me a happy birthday.

The best part was, I didn't need it. It was a bit depressing at first, but then that dang phone of mine kept beeping. How could I possibly be sad when so many took the time to just say, "happy birthday."

The power of words should never be overlooked, nor should the effort, no matter how small.

I had a great day that I won't soon forget.

As for my husband, he will be an "ex" soon enough. He just makes it easier and easier to do what I have to do.

Tomorrow I start my 12-step group and then divorce small group on Thursday. I'm getting there. It's just a matter of the right time and having the money. It just won't be soon enough now for me. I want my freedom. I may never want another man, but I do want my freedom to find out if there is another man that would be good to me as well as for me. What ever was good in our marriage, is gone now. He is a miserable person who's past deeds are crashing in on him now. The moral of the story is you can not avoid your problems. Face them, or eventually they will run you over.

"can't go over it,
can't go under it,
can't go around it,
gotta go through it."

- pre-school rap that I never understood the full meaning of until this summer.

Happy Birthday to ME! May the second half of my life be full of the excitement and joy that I deserve for myself and my kids!

I know what my decision must be concerning my husband, but I'm still fighting the loss. It didn't help that he called me this week to answer a question he could have just as easily emailed. Hearing his voice stirred up the feelings that are still present. Logic may say one thing, but my feelings are still there no matter what I know I must do.

That is what it really is about. I know what must be done, but I am not happy about it. I never wanted divorce, and never saw myself that way. I think it hit me as I was filling out forms and indicating that I was the custodial parent. In all these years, i have never filled out school forms where I didn't check, "both parents."

Now, take those feelings and add to that my son heading to college. He is so excited and so anxious to get going. He isn't leaving any time to spend with me as he packs in trips and activities. He is a social beast, but when it comes to being home, he just wants to get out. I guess that is a normal thing. I try not to take it personally. It does get to me.

So what is positive tonight?

I am working with a divorce recovery group with my therapist.
I am continuing to attend Celebrate Recovery
I am planning to try and work with a 12-step group.

Its a lot, but right now I need the encouragement and to hear the stories of those other women going through this same thing. I met a woman who had been married 23-years just like me, and just like me, she had no clue. We are the dumpees. The left.

I hate the fact that i will have to file the paper work and start the proceedings, but it is getting obvious that the more i stay linked to him, the more impossible it is to be on my own.

I fight asking him one more time, if he is sure this is what he wants. But the answer keeps coming back to me, if it wasn't what he wanted, why then is he doing it and why doesn't he fight a bit to keep things going? In that i have my answer. The answer is in the silence.

I should feel stronger next week. I will be back at work and surrounded by people I care about.

As for my son, welp, that is part of life too. He is suppose to separate and leave home. My energy needs to be directed to my daughter now. At least for the next four years.

After that, I guess it will be "me time" to finally have the full freedom I have missed for a very long time. There is a good part of me that never wants to see that freedom taken from me again.

Today, I felt the burden and pressure of my decision to divorce my husband come off my shoulders after having a wonderful conversation with my daughter. I have been holding back for a lot of reasons, some of them very sound. But the one thing holding me back the most was wondering just how this would affect my daughter. She loves her dad so much, and I wasn't sure if she was ready yet to deal with the reality of the divorce.

I got that answer over an afternoon meal.

My daughter was being very supportive. She knew in no uncertain terms that her father had made the choices he made and did what he did to himself. She had been seeing all along the many times I had tried to work things out with him, only to have him spike it back in my face. She had been watching and paying attention. She knows he will be in her life. He is her dad, but it is also been obvious to her how much he wasn't really there for her like she would like. He had been missing all the important things in her life for a very long time as it was, but since the separation, he has really been missing out.

It is clear to me that he doesn't know how to be a parent. He knows how to be an awesome uncle, but that is it. He does love her, don't get me wrong and I think he would walk through fire to support her financially, but the truth is, he isn't there for her emotionally any more then he was for our son or for me.

It really is just the three of us.

My plan is clear to me now. I have passed my PRAXIS PLT exam, I have my contract signed for this year, and I should be given my full license and tenure this year as well.

If that is the case, The day I have the letter in my hand that I have tenure, that will be the day I retain an attorney.

We had been talking about signs that we are doing the correct thing in our support group, and to me this was the final sign. My daughter understands the reality. She may not like it, but she doesn't blame me either. She doesn't see why I should stay married to a man that causes me so much hurt.

To put it bluntly, "He just isn't in to me" and wishing and stalling won't make him want me any better. I guess in told, I really have been dumped more times then once. Twice this year yes, but if I really look back at my life, he was pushing me away and destroying my self-esteem long before that.

So today was a turning point for me.

My daughter and I continue to build a closer, more lasting relationship. She is one step closer to being able to launch successfully as an adult.

Today I had a session with my therapist but it was different, because she pulled together a group of women who were in various stages of their divorce. One has been divorced for two-years but still has not moved on emotionally. She is still being an emotional support to the man who moved her and their daughter up from a different state and then "just didn't follow her." A second had just finalized her divorce the past week. She was already moving on and dating someone new, but she still hadn't fully let go either. She was trying to maintain a friendship, but admitted that it wasn't a healthy thing for her as it drug up a lot of old feelings. The third was still in the divorce process. She had recently gone through her deposition, but the divorce was not final yet. She was full of spunk and wasn't going to let this guy get off easy for leaving her and cheating on her. Then there was me, still trying to figure out the best moment to finally go to the attorney and get this started and then over with.

We are going to read and work through the Rebuilding book together. About 50 pages each session. I'm hoping that as I read it and process it with others, I'll be ready to finally take that last step.

We talked a bit about boundaries tonight, and I have written on it before, but the one thing I got out of tonight was that when we allow for that emotional contact to continue, we just drag out the pain further. Like our friend who has been divorced for two-years, the pain is as intense as when she got the call that he wasn't coming up to join her. He was still using her for his full emotional support. It seemed to be a common thread, that these men, who wanted this more then anything else to be divorced from us, were still using us like their mothers to be "taken care of."

I knew after my husband "re-dumped" me that I could not do that again. I have kept all verbal communication short and to the point. No more will I offer support or encouragement. If he is unwilling to commit to just attempting to heal the marriage, then there is nothing there to invest in. As we use to say about the definition of a boat being a hole in the water that you throw money into, my marriage was just that. A hole that I was dumping emotions into, only to not have any coming back to me. This isn't a healthy situation and if I am to finally make the separation, I need to make the break clean.

It is no longer my concern where he works or for how much so long as he is paying what he owes to keep a roof over his daughter's head until it can be sold and that he pays for the truck he drives all over creation.

So I'm looking forward to being with these women. I hope that we connect and perhaps be a source of local support for each other. Its not a step study, but an important study none the less.

I'm a successful professional. I am all but given on a silver platter a promising future and career even at my current age. My husband, had he had the foresight and the patience could be enjoying that fact with me right now. Even as he struggles with his own career satisfaction, my career is stable and soon I will be mobile. He chose the "easy way out." Now he is miserable and unable to find work that will pay more then he currently earns. He most likely will not get more pay from his current job, at least not as much as he would want.

I just smile when I think he is in fact getting what he wanted and better, what he deserved.

Now it is time for me to get what I deserve and finding how much I really want it after years of trying to help him achieve his goals.

It's finally my time to shine and be wonderful.

That is the question asked of me today by my mom in a phone call. I wish I had an answer. Honestly, I don't know because even though in my mind I'm ready to be done, there are things I don't want to rock the boat on. My son's bassoon purchase, making sure that he still pays what he owes without forcing him in a corner, you name it. Just fears I guess. Fears that could happen with or without filing. I know that I have to have the money first to retain the attorney and then to pay all the court costs.

Divorce is such a financial racket and the only winners are the lawyers.

So far, as long as he stays out of town and leaves me alone, I'm good. That is really what it comes down too.

I don't listen to him any more. He starts up about not having a job, and I shut it down. I don't want to know his problems. He doesn't care about me, so why invest any more emotion in him. I have been pretty successful at that, except for him still making plans with Catherine before speaking to me. I called him on that one as I'm sure he is afraid that I will file papers to assure proper custody papers. It angers me that he still works behind my back when I have been fair and open with him. I have never denied him access to his kids whenever and for however long he wanted. Yet he still treats me like I'm some obstacle to get around.

I do need to file. It is just dragging out the inevitable. My head knows this but my heart is still too undecided.

One last reason is the simple fact that HE WANTED THIS. So why should I pay the money to retain the lawyer and pay all the fees? He should be the one that files first! He is just dragging this on because he doesn't have the courage to end it on his own.

Truth be known is he probably can't file because he doesn't have the money himself. I imagine that once he can find a job that will increase his salary, or if he can get more from his current employer, he may finally finish things because he for sure won't need me any longer.

I will keep moving forward. I will do what is the right thing when it comes. Things are coming into place more and more. I passed my PRAXIS exam, and I should be getting tenure this year. That may be an even better time to file papers, once I have that bit of job security in place. That will be the most amazing thing going for me yet. So many doors have opened for me. I'm so grateful for the community here that have opened their hearts and lives to me and the kids.

When our tractor's tire went flat this week, a neighbor came and took it off, took it home and filled it with his home air compressor. He then put it back on and off my daughter went mowing the yard. That is the kind of friends I have now. People look out for one another here and I couldn't be happier about my choices now.

My husband may have left me, but the truth is, he left his life just as much if not more so. I have a good life here with my daughter and son, even though he will be leaving for college soon. I have much to be grateful for, and I thank God every night for those blessings.

Divorce sucks no doubt, but I'm not alone. I have help and plenty of it. I have a great job and bright future in this county. I am making friends in the community and in time, I hope to be as much a fixture here as those that were born here.

I'm going to close on that thought. I got to stay positive and dwell on that. It is so easy to sink into despair. I have to try and keep that from happening because when I do, he wins.

I have been silent again in my journal. Some of it because of other needs such as working in school and trying to keep up with two teens, but also because I have been reading my rebuilding book. I had put this off for a long time, because to read it, was to admit that my marriage was over. I wasn't ready to accept that until my husband pulled his "re-dump" act on me.

I don't think at this point there is any believing that he has ever been sincere about working out our problems. He just wanted out, has wanted out a very long time and now he has what he wanted. I actually kinda laugh at that now. He does have what he wanted and more. More as in, more dissatisfaction, more unhappiness, more "stuckness in the past." I could keep adding to the list. My son told me over dinner one night, that he was just as much a mess as he was when he was here visiting. He complained about everything from poor dinner service, bad food, costs, and of course nothing makes him happy about work. He wanted that job running the sister plant. He had been dropping hints for over a year about the possibly being sent out there, and now that he has it, he can't get away from it fast enough. Its hard to sort out the fact from the fiction with him, and I don't want to turn this into another "husband post."

I did though want to express my feelings about the book I'm reading. I know that I should be thrilled that what I have been experiencing has been experienced by so many people, but what is deflating is to read my experience as if were quoting my life for the past 7 months nearly word for word. Its disheartening, that it is so common, yet I walked right into it as if it was totally unexpected.

I know its a strange reaction, but I feel even more stupid because I let denial blind me to all the "captain obvious" statements.

I'm listening to an audiobook right now by Tyler Perry. "Don't make a black woman take off her earrings" has been not only a funny listen, especially since he reads the whole book as his character Madea, but its got some good old fashion wisdom in there based on all the real "madeas" in his life. Madea, I learned is a contraction for "Mother, dear" and referred to the matriarch of the block. Every one's grandma you might say. A vanishing species in today's culture, but it brought back a lot of memories of listening to my own grandma, not to mention all those older women in my life as I was growing up that threw advice around like they did their weight.

In one of the chapters, Madea talks about women that are in shock that after 20-years of marriage their husbands walk out on them. In her words, the signs were there, but the woman was too busy in her own world to see them. In other words, I like so many other women, was in denial a very long time and didn't see the signs nor was wiling to ask the right questions and check up on the truth.

That's a lot of wisdom to digest in one week. Its also wisdom I'm going to hang on to. I don't know when I will be able to fully afford an attorney to finish this mess, but I know now that my husband is not sincere. Until he is willing to accept the help he needs, there is no hope, no future. I don't even know if there will be if he DOES get help. I've been used and abused by him emotionally for so long now, I don't think I could ever fully trust him again.

Maybe in the long run its better to just cut the losses and move on. I think it is healthier at least for me. If I'm going to know what a true loving relationship where their is mutual respect is like, I may have to accept that it will have to be with a new person that I don't have so much bad history with.

I guess what I'm finally seeing is, that no matter what feelings I still have for my husband, and I do still have them, they aren't enough to cover over the years of hurt and continued emotional abuse.

He's not tried to contact me since I last saw him when he dropped off the kids from their visit with him. I have held firm to not contacting him either. I wasn't' very friendly, and I made it clear he wasn't going to touch me again. The denial hood is off my head now. I see him as he is. I pity him, but I pity myself more for ever thinking he was going to come home and work things out.

Here I am back journaling again.

It has been a while, mostly due to having to do other things this summer, but I'm back writing. I need to sort my feelings out again. My husband had done it too me again. He lifted my hopes, and I saw light at the end of a long tunnel, and then he caved in the tunnel on me again.

In short, in six months time, my husband dumped me, then re-dumped me.

I'm very angry at myself. I know that it was just the way we always did things. He would act like an ass, I would get hurt, then he would come back and look to me for comfort to get what he needed emotionally, it made me feel better to be needed and wanted and then off he would go again.

What a long vicious cycle that has been, and I walked right into it.

So, I am back in a kind of bunker again. Protecting myself from him. I'm not contacting him, and its killing me. I'm not letting myself willfully touch him even to hug, and that's killing me.

Tonight, I saw photos that my son had put up on his webpage that had my husband in them and I felt the withdrawal and loss. Our first vacation with the kids without me.

He's not contacting me now at all. I guess this is blessing. No lawyer papers either, though I still don't understand why he won't do it. After all the chest beating and ego smashing, he still holds on. He is forcing me to finish what he started.

My vindictive side thinks I should just live like this indefinitely until he acts like a man and finishes his own dirty work. That isn't healthy for me though. So I continue in therapy, and hopefully as part of a small group. I continue with Celebration Recovery and hope to soon enter a 12-step program to get at a lot of issues that keep me held back and making the wrong choices in my companionship.

I'm not keeping busy enough too, so that is playing on my mind. The less busy I am, the more I think about my husband. I got to teach last week for four days and I loved it. I was busy and useful again. I don't like sitting around, getting fat and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm about 1-month away from turning 51 and I will not go into this new decade of my life regretting and grieving this loss. I would love very much to date again. I would like to see if there was someone out there that would be good to me. I'm dubious though and still believe that perhaps at my age, dogs are better. My husband robbed me of my youth with his lying. I never knew him or what he was capable of.

So where do I go now? I guess I start by seeing him for the man he is. Someone who fathered my two kids yes, but someone that isn't my friend, and never was. I was just his security blanket to sleep with at night. I was never more important then that.

Maybe there was good things, I think whatever I thought was good was a lie. How will I ever trust myself again to know that someone is telling me the truth. Yeah, I'm just that trusting to believe that people wouldn't have reason to lie, just to lie.

I'm getting off on a tangent though.

He left me, he left his life. It wasn't just about me that he ran away, but he did and he made sure to try and destroy what was left of my self-esteem when he left.

It isn't going to work. Do you hear that faithless man? It isn't going to work. You beat me down, but I will pick myself back up and I am staying the course to keep my career moving forward and become the best secondary teacher I can.

I have a heart for the teens I serve, and I will be the best I can for them as well as my own kids. If a man that wants to be with me, can not understand how important that is to me, then he has no business around me. My husband has no interest in anything important to me. He has no business around me.

So why don't I file?

I know that when I do, it will be a step that I will not be able to turn back on. It will be final. When I do this, there can't be any anger. To do so now, with as angry as I am now is nothing more then vindictive.

I'm still saving up my money for it, and I am close to having what I need to pay for my end of it. So for now, I will bide my time, save my money and work to move past the anger and the shame of failing at the one thing that held the most importance to me.

Postscript: to date, my husband still has not found a new job. I'm sure he will in time, but I am almost happy that he is miserable. I DO need him working to pay his share of the major loans, but I find the contrast amazing. When I really needed a full time job, my teaching job fell in my lap and faster then I could even keep up with.

He panics and frets, yet God keeps him at the place he currently hates the most. God is good, and he has a great sense of humor. :)

So for tonight, I am sending this off into the ether and letting go of it as I start to read the next chapter of my rebuilding book.

Grant me the serenity to accept what I can not change, change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today I made a choice.

I chose to be happy. To live in peace and in freedom. Freedom to worship in the church of my choice with out being made to feel guilty or being mocked. Freedom to make new friends and not feel like I was ignoring or not catering to the needs of a spoiled child. Freedom to love my kids and show it by setting limits and boundaries without being undercut or "gotten around."

Today I chose my happiness over the neediness of my husband, who reminded me again how I had no right to feel stressed or burdened with working full time and going to school full time because "other people have hard lives and lots to do too." I was reminded of this just three weeks after I had shown compassion and support to a man in panic with tears streaming down his face worried that he was going to be homeless.

Today I woke up from a dream where for the first time ever in a dream that concerned him, I told him NO and walked away.

God sent me my answer at a time when I was ready to hear it.

While my husband continues to play on my affections, pulling me in just close enough to keep me feeling like there is a chance, then pushes me away when I seek him to make a commitment to heal the marriage, I have finally hit my limit.

I am seeing the lack of importance, the lack of concern, the lack of desire to not lose me. He doesn't want me, but he needs me to continue to feed his ego when the other sources of his self-esteem aren't around. I have and continue to be his back door.

Today I said no more.

There is a timing issue now, as I wait for disbursement funds from my school loan. I requested all of it, though I won't use all of it to pay tuition. The rest will pay for the attorney and then help my son with his bassoon costs.

I'm done now. I'm calm and I'm at peace. He mocked me, belittled me and held me hostage to his past for the last time. He needs help. He refuses help. By refusing help and rejecting me one more time, he has closed the door for the last time.

He can talk all he wants to whom ever he wants. He can sleep with who and what he wants. He can work where ever he wants. He can do it all with out me as his back up support and surrogate mother.

Being single is about having the freedom to explore and be myself. I'm truly happy for the first time, and I enjoy every day that I am here. No regrets.

I lift up my eyes to the hills from where does my strength come from? My strength comes from the Lord.

Tomorrow I will look up to the mountain that guards over my family. I will sing a song of joy that I am not alone, not abandoned. I have friends, family and a stable job. I am growing as a person and I am better now then I ever have been, and I look forward to a bright future.

God has been good and has blessed me and mine over this past 5 months.

Free at last..free at last, in my mind now, I'm free at last.

I am frustrated.

Today (Now June 3rd, though it still feels as June 2.) I was to hear from my husband if he is willing to commit to a healing separation, and use the time for self-growth and healing as we work to try and restore our marriage. Evidently, there were things that came up and he didn't leave for Memphis until later in the day, which meant that he never thought about or read the material I gave him. (Of course, he did have that time at the motel the evening before.)

So, having not read the material, or even thought of it on the road as he said he would, he has postponed his decision and further discussion with me till the evening of the 3rd. Assuming some other barrier does not come up.

So, I'm sitting here trying to "be still and know" that God is God, and he will work in his own time, and if it is his will that I move on alone, then I guess I will find out when he reveals it to me.

I said in a much earlier entry that I fully believe in angels now. That God does intercede when needed if we have a heart that is open to receive. I told of the young man's t-shirt that read on the back, "Lo I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) It was that afternoon that I received a text by my husband to tell me a letter was left waiting for me.

Today, I walked out to the prayer garden on the college campus that I take course work at. A beautiful spot that overlooks the mountains. In the garden were three large rough stone that had passages inscribed upon them. I had never bothered in over a year to walk up and read the stones, but today I stood with my coffee and read the first one.

"Be still and know that I am God."

I stood and contemplated it a moment and moved to the second.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my strength come from? It comes from the Lord."

I looked up at a perfect view of the local mountain framed by the trees in the garden.

God interceded today to remind me that he is God and he is in control. So as I sit here frustrated I reflect back on my experience in that prayer garden and I put it back onto God to control. I will have my answer soon enough and no amount of frustration or worry will change that outcome, because I can't control this outcome.

So I say it again,

"God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I can not, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Time to sleep now. I have a presentation tomorrow and I must shine.

Dear God;

Tonight I'm turning an important outcome over to you. I'm putting it in writing, because I need to see the words as I say them in my heart.

I spoke to my husband today God, and I'm trying to show love and compassion as well as forgiveness, but his noncommittal attitudes are pulling me back and forth again off my path to be sober and sane. The kids and I had happiness and stability for five months God, and then he began to panic about losing his job, and not having a home. So he crawled back a bit. He wanted me and needed me God, but it only lasted a few weeks.

He agreed to get divorce off the table God, but it feels like he has put it back on. He wants it all in his time Father, but in so doing he pulls my heart and plays with my head.

I spoke to him today about making a commitment to a healing separation as a means to help rebuild and make a stronger, healthier marriage. He runs at the thought of commitment. He doesn't want that, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let go. He wants to stay in limbo where he doesn't have to make any decisions.

Today God, I told him he had to make a choice. That nothing we did to work through a healthy separation would be of any gain unless he had and held in his heart a willingness to see this through. He has to do the work Father, because I can't do it for him. He wants people to tell him what to do, but then resents when he gets what he asked for.

So I have told him only one thing, choose which side of the fence to be on, and then stay on that side. It's wasting our time and hurting us longer to not choose, or in another way of saying it, "to not decide, is to decide."

I should have my answer tomorrow Father. My heart is sick because it knows that deep down, he doesn't really want us. He'll write checks and support us, but he doesn't want to be with us. He doesn't know how to be with anyone.

So God, I pray for him that something I said today, or something in the reading that I gave him will help him make a well thought out decision. I watched him fidget and get up and move about and be distracted. He was highly uncomfortable with the idea that he would have to "do something."

I never thought that he would be so unable to make decisions for himself or be so disloyal to so many. I honestly do not think he has maintained any friendship once it out grew him. He shared with me that he had brought a girl home to visit when he was in boot camp. A girl that was very much in love with him but he was not in love with her. I guess when he brought her, he just dropped her off with family and then went off and did whatever he wanted to do. His sister had tried to tell him how wrong that was of him to do but he never "got it."

There are so many things he does that point to narcissism and I honestly don't know if he is going to be able to make changes in his life that will include me and his kids.

So tonight God, I don't have the strength to worry and I've pretty much run out of tears again. I cried for him this past weekend, because he more or less just blew me off after two positive weekends when I thought he may really be coming around. It was when I asked for that commitment in clear language when he started pulling away again. Running away, one more time. Breaking my heart, one more time.

So I get up and brush the dust off one more time. I remember that I'm healthier and stronger and much more independent then I ever was before. I do deserve better and if I have to finish this then I will. Before this year is out, I with either be on my own, bankrupt and most likely in foreclosure but I will have ended what he started on my own terms no longer dictated to by his whims OR I will be working on my own healing while he works on his.

God I want that later outcome more then anyone knows and probably more then my husband even knows. But it is no longer in my hands. It never was.

So I'm back to quoting the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me serenity to ACCEPT the things I CAN NOT CHANGE
CHANGE the things I CAN
and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it.

Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

AMEN

Today was and should be a happy day. Today was the last day my son would be in high school. Tomorrow we will have a pre-graduation party and then then Saturday, is the big day when he walks across the stage. I'm so very proud of him and his accomplishments despite the turmoil that has been our family life.

Aye, but then there is the rub. My husband's mother and his niece and husband will be coming in tomorrow as well. Although they are staying at a hotel, they will be here in the afternoon and for graduation. Its my hope that they leave soon after. Although I don't mind his mother, I'm not sure why the niece will be here. I really don't. She has made it clear that she doesn't like me and to come to my home must just be to rub it in my face. I don't know any other reason for doing this. I'm hoping that they perhaps will change their minds and stay at the hotel when my husband goes to pick them up. How strange can this be to have a man that doesn't even live here any longer pick up his mom to come show off the home he left? It absolutely boggles my mind.

So here I am stressing over the whole thing and allowing it to rob me of my joy for the fact that my son is graduating. Once again the narcissist I'm married too steals the lime light.

I have to draw back in. I will ask that he brings my rings back to me. It was a dumb idea to think he would commit to this marriage. So stupid of me to think he ever loved or could love me or anyone. I was happy and accepting of the fact that he was gone, and then he turned the tables around on me again. I may be fighting to come back to the center, but I will get there.

My best friend will be over before they even get here tomorrow. She will figuratively and maybe literally hold my hand through this ordeal. I have lost my faith in happy endings. My time as his wife grows shorter I'm sure. He isn't going to magically make it all better and recommit to something he was never committed to in the first place. I was the only one vested in the marriage, and I'll be the one forced into a position of ending it for the sake and sanity of myself and the kids.

He leads us on. He uses us to build his own ego up, and then runs from us when we expect something back emotionally. He is in fact, emotionally unavailable and most likely will always be.

It is better to live alone then to live with a man that treats you in a manner that leaves you feeling alone. I don't need a relationship that badly.

Take over the control God. Please, let me hand it over to you. I'm tired of trying to control this outcome at the expense of myself and my kids. Fill me with wisdom to simply know the difference between what I can and can't control because I lack in that gift.

This morning, I re-purpose myself to being a strong, independent woman who will no longer ask the question, "are you in this marriage for good?" He's had over 24 years to form the answer to that question and yet he doesn't have an answer which in itself is an answer.

Summer school isn't going to happen soon enough for me. It's time to get back to being busy with a purpose and goal. Time to put this pain behind me again and move back forward.

I don't know what is real when it comes to my husband.

There has been one overwhelming feeling though, and that has been the fact I don't think he really misses me.

Sure, he's trying to talk to me more. He's trying to work with me more. That said, I don't get the feeling that he really wants to be with me. I just hung up with him on the phone and he sounds so reassuring yet, is he telling me the truth?

How do you try and reunite your family when the key component is on the other side of the country?

I don't know. I am struggling to try and re-separate myself.

I have always had high expectations for myself and others. That is what teachers do. Its how we get our students to perform their best. That said, perhaps it is time to admit that when it comes to this relationship, I should stop expecting, stop feeling. Think only of myself and my kids.

Tonight I felt the abandonment twinge again.

Its the one feeling I would really like to never feel again.

Twenty four years ago I said yes.

Tonight I sit alone and pray that my husband will finally make the choice to come home.

I'm tired of the fence sitting and I grow impatient. I was getting it together and being independent and probably the most important thing of all, I have been happy. I chose to be happy and I pursued it. I got the help I needed and I reveled in finally finding my voice again.

Then my husband showed that he really doesn't have the heart for divorce and I built up hope again. Hope that he would come home and let us work these things out. But the more he talked the more I realize that I'm still not the one he is coming home for. I admitted that I loved him but now I have to pull it all back inside of me again. He misses family life. He misses the kids, but I don't think he really misses me.

He admitted to demonizing me and making me the root of all evil. Was I really that bad or did I just remind him that he wasn't being who he should have been? He said "I was more man than he was." I'll take it for what he really meant, but the truth is he still isn't here and I don't think it will be for a very long time.

I am beginning to think it is because of his work problems. Some people turn to God, and some people turn to their closest friends and family. Then life gets better and they move on and leave those that they had turned to for support behind. Maybe I gave support too soon. Maybe I'm seeing that once again I'm letting myself be used and he is just wasting my time so he can get what he needs and leave me nothing again?

Either way, I'm here alone for the first time in 24 years, I'm here without my husband on what was the day I really thought of myself as his wife.

I guess it is just the first in a list of things that I probably need to get use to alone.

What a weekend it was.

I know that it is actually several days removed from the weekend, but the truth is, I'm still kinda in shock over it all.

My husband was here, and it was actually a productive weekend for communication. He didn't take me for granted and made sure to ask permission to come over as well as actually had set a date for us on Saturday. I was genuinely pleased by that.

We spent a long time talking, and I think we made some productive head way. I think we have divorce off the table for now, but it could come back if he can't choose to make a commitment back to the marriage.

That really has been the problem with all of this mess. He starts something, and can't finish it or as in this case, he can't make the decision how to finish it.

So many complications in it all. He is in total fear of losing his job, and is trying his hardest to get a new job and hopefully one that will pay him more money. We need it so that our son can have more security that college will be paid and he can buy his bassoon. Meanwhile, I'm the only one with a stable job, but it pays 20K less then what my husband makes now a year.

Stresses, stresses and more stresses.

I gave my wedding ring set back to my husband. I told him that if he is willing to recommit to the marriage, then to give me back my rings to wear, and I will stand by him and take as much time as he needs to work out his emotional issues. However, if he can't do that, to give me the rings back to sell. So far no rings have been returned which is a good sign. Too soon, is almost a guarantee that he is choosing to bail out, but so may be too long.

I want him to think it through and make his decision. I don't want a quick answer. I just hope it will be the right answer.

So here I am again, trying to turn the outcome over to God and trying not to control it. The rings were a symbol of our relationship. He is holding that relationship now and will make the decision to keep it or let it go. I have to be prepared for either outcome emotionally. I do know for a fact that I am independent, and that I can get through anything.

I am a strong woman and I am a good woman. I am also a "goose" who has mated for life. The decision is in his hands now as it has always been, but if the rings come back to me to sell, then I will finish it quickly, so I can finish the final grief step and move on with my life.

So tonight I quote the serenity prayer, to accept what I can not change, to change what I can and to have the wisdom to know the difference.

I need to get back to my support group. I need to draw on that strength and wisdom as I prepare emotionally again.

I side note though. I use to just say out loud "I love you _____________" and fill in the blank. I use to insert my name in there, but I seem to finally be saying it less and less. Perhaps, the feeling of fulfillment I have in my job and with my kids is finally showing up in how I appear to be controlling my compulsive behaviors? Either way, I have noticed it less and less as something I do. I also noted that I don't seem to fantasize like I use to do. I use to act out scenes in my head where I'm the lead, and I have special gifts and powers that make me unique and powerful. Even that isn't happening as much, nor can I stay focused on it. Maybe I'm finally growing up and maturing in many things without taking away the things that help keep me young and in touch with teens.

My plastic brain may be rewiring after all.

I don't know if its the head cold, the fact that none of my students were able to earn college credit for the local tech school, or the fact that my husband will be back in town this weekend and has asked me out, but right now, I'm feeling uneasiness.

I admit that I am very disappointed about my students. They worked hard all year, and one test written and graded by a stranger determined whether they could get college credit. The test was subjective short answer and just as subjectively graded. Fortunately, most of my students weren't planning to go to NE State, but I can see I need to do some drastic changes to make this program work.

The head cold is not helping either. I'm definitely stuffy and feeling a lot of pressure on my chest from the congestion. I came home today and just slept for nearly four hours. That should make getting sleep tonight interesting as well. The good news is, I don't have to teach tomorrow. It is a work day and I plan on using it to get my final grades in for the year and start the check out procedure.

That brings me to my husband coming in this weekend. I'm not sure that it is really bothering me as much as the two previous comments, other then, he's going to be here. I still don't know why he wants to spend time with me. He really should be spending it with the kids and not me. After all, her "left me." as he likes to remind me.

I don't know honestly what to think. Somedays I couldn't get to a lawyer fast enough, and then there are days where I think that this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and everything will be go okay. Now I know that can't be true, and its just a fantasy. There is just this nagging part of me that says his heart isn't in it, but he's too stubborn to do anything about it to change. So in the end it comes down to the fact that no matter how much I would love to have my way in things, it isn't for me to control or decide.

Its hard to pray for him. Something I try to do between cursing him in my thoughts, but each prayer has to end the same way, "God's will, not mine." It really does keep coming back to the serenity prayer. To accept the things I can't change, change the things I can and no the difference. I'm slowly learning that difference.

I was amazed recently that after watching some of my favorite old shows that use to spark so much fantasy in me that I wasn't reacting to it. Could it be that I'm becoming numb to the whole fantasy world idea? That I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone any more? I worry that I may be shutting down emotionally, or maybe I'm learning to know the difference?

I know that as far as my students go, I will take the hit and try again. I will learn from the experience and go into it with a lot more confidence to better prepare them.

As far as this cold goes, it will run its course.

As far as my husband goes, its a cross I'll have to bare a bit longer until this whole mess plays itself out. One way or another, I will keep my head up and I will keep moving forward. I will not let him get past my outer layers or affect me any more emotionally. When the going got tough, he got going right out the door. I do feel sorry for him. He will never know how much support he really had or appreciate the things that mean the most. I have the kids and I will be here for them until it is there time to move on, then I will be there for me.

I look forward to the day I can take a cruise and visit a tropical island. I don't need my husband to enjoy life. I enjoy life just fine.

Good morning me.

Its been a while since I last wrote you. Mainly because things have been going much better emotionally. Those little peach pills do wonders for helping me keep the mood swings at bay. There are some things that I need to update you about though. Feelings that are still cropping up that I need to learn to deal with in a healthy way. Dreams that are returning, that wake me with a feeling of loss and depression.

Let's begin with the dream as it is still haunting me.

I have slept well for months. No over the counter pills to help me sleep at all. However, as I am still not past menopause, my hormones have been working on my psyche. I have suffered through almost two weeks of pre-menstrual tension with all the moods and aches. My anti-depressant pills helped a great deal keep things leveled out, but I was still short tempered.

Yesterday, I should have guessed it was time because I seemed to have a lot more energy, which was good as I was on a field trip. I really enjoy being with my upper level students. They are a joy and I am going to miss them so much. I think they did well on their end of year exam, and thanks to the instructor who was coordinating the trip, they got a wonderful field day. We took them to lunch and then to a park to blow off steam. They had their fishing poles and played on the swing sets. We got some great pictures for the day.

It hit me when I got home though. I had been nursing a headache most the day, but I was more then tired last night and then finally, my period started. The hormone cocktail along with the carbohydrates I was craving worked up the worse dream I have had in months. I dreamed of my husband again. It was bad enough that in it we were separated as we are now, but he was cruel to me again, and so was his family.

I awoke a few times and instead of just staying awake I would sink back into sleep and the dream would start up again. I was trapped in it. When I finally did awake, I felt depressed and abandoned. All the feelings that I have managed to keep control of for the past couple of months since I joined the support group.

As I write this, I know that it was just a dream. It was induced by hormones and blood sugar and water retention. It was just a bad dream.

I have been wrestling with the thought of wanting to work things out with my husband and yet, wanting to be finally free. In the meantime, I had let my finances get away from me and ended up over-drafting with the bank. I have to be more careful of my spending. I have been eating out too much. Once or more a weekend is too much. That and unexpected expenses that I should have known I didn't have the money for.

I risk beating myself up over it, but as they use to tell us as kids, there is no use crying over spilled milk. It's better just to pick up and start again. I have a day off on Monday, so I should be able to get a lot of loose ends taken care of.

This is a tough time of year. I am watching the seniors, including my own son, getting ready to leave the nest, as I watched this past week the freshmen that are the future of our program come up to be next years sophomores. There isn't time to grieve the loss of the kids that you have spent so much time and energy with, as there are new ones that need that same attention. The cycle continues as we launch out those that are ready to begin preparing those that are not.

When I look at it that way, I can never be abandoned. Its just the natural cycle of a teacher. Even with my own kids, as I launch one, there is another that needs me more then ever. When it is her time, I will launch her, and begin the cycle again with the person that needs me most.

That person is me.

There are so many things I want to see and do. So many things I couldn't with kids around. My husband ran off to follow his dreams and left me with all the responsibility. I take the responsibility because I love my kids and I would never do that to them. My husband may some day turn things around for himself, but he will never erase in their minds who left and who stayed.

In away, it was not I that was abandoned, it was him. He abandoned himself. He's the one that is out alone, separated from family that loves him, his home and all things familiar. He is the one that is truly alone.

I have pity for him. He is troubled and confused. He refuses to get help and choose to suffer. I'm not alone. I have friends, a great support group, and my kids and students. I have in my mind the things that matter.

I won't be rich, and I probably will work until I die. I won't have retirement on the beach of Charleston as I had always dreamed, but I will have happiness because I choose it. I will be content with what I have, even if its a small house or condo. I would love to stay here in this house, but it isn't meant to be. It will be sold, the mortgages paid, and if there is any left over, it will go toward a small place for me.

Wow, I'm not sure where this letter went in direction, but I know I feel better. I must keep reality framed in my mind. I have to keep working on rewiring my brain to keep thinking positively about myself and my situation.

I am my own best friend always. I will take care of me, so I can take care of those that I love.

Thanks for the chance to recheck my reality. I feel a lot better now.

Love,

Me

I need to update my blog, but for right now my unknown readers, or imaginary readers as it may be, tonight it is quiet and all is well. I still think of my husband every day, but not as much as I use too. I do tend to argue with him in my head, like that would do any good, other then give me the satisfaction of always winning the fight!

I grow more and more aware that he has no intention of changing his mind. I don't want to stay married to him for another four years if that is his intent so my daughter can stay in the house. All that does is make me a prisoner. Never wanted by him, but at the same time, not free to be wanted by anyone else.

I do have to be patient for the right moment though.

He's away from us now in another city and I'm much happier because of it.

So for tonight, its quiet and all is well in my world.

Tonight I'm the closest to sober I have ever been. This weekend was an emotional one. I told my husband no to spending time with me. I made my own plans and did them. I didn't accommodate him to fill in the time he was here "entertaining him." I deserve better then to be a last minute thought.

I went to my f2f group tonight. I feel so akin to these few women
that I am with as if I am entering a sorority of women who have
suffered being "pink slipped" after 20+ years of marriage. I
definitely do not feel alone.

I feel a great deal of pity for my husband. He is alone. He is
trying to control his life, trying to do it all on his own. He said
today how happy he was to see just how well I was doing and how happy
I was. I am doing well, and I am happy, because I no longer choose to
suffer and I got help.. a LOT of help. He chooses to suffer and
refuses to get help. He still insists he doesn't need to change.

He is the captain of his own Titanic. Never believing that his ship will sink.

I have a good life. I have two amazing kids that I love and
appreciate so much. He may have his freedom, but he is alone. He
should be having a party, after all he won! But he is miserable and
he is alone.

I went to sleep with a clear conscience Saturday night. I had a
wonderful Sunday being with friends most of the day and my recovery
group at night.

I did speak with him as I said this afternoon. I told him there is a
window open for him, but he has to do the work and get help. I want a
healthy marriage and you can't do that if the people in it aren't
healthy. He isn't. Until he admits it and seeks help, I will move on
with my life, and if need be, I will end it when the house can be
sold.

He did leave me with the warning that he may be seeking a new job.
He's scared that he will be laid off. That doesn't bode well for
keeping the house if he does, but I don't need to be peeing in my
present with worry about the future.

So I kept my dignity, I left an opening for him, but told him the ball
is in his court. I am giving over control of this outcome and working
on just me now.

I would love to say I'm gratefully sober as of 04/19/2009, but I
can't. I will reserve that when I can hear from and be around my
husband without any emotional pull or physical attraction, and when I
can be so filled with my own self worth and esteem that I never feel
panic again to be in a relationship.

Tonight, I feel a whole lot closer to that then I did when I first
started this blog.

It has been a stressful day.

My estranged husband woke me up today at 8 am hammering in the
basement foyer. He never called to say what time he would be here.
Not even a short email. I would have been awake and dressed. Instead
all of us were asleep. Even though I would have gotten up in the next
half hour or so, it was the weekend!

I called my friend who is not a sponsor, but is close enough of one
having been through the 12-step program with AA. We made plans to get
out of the house this evening to hear my son play bassoon. This was a
good thing, because about 2:30 this afternoon he called me on my cell
phone to ask if I wanted to go out and "do something" tonight. I told
him that I had made plans to be out. He asked to come upstairs and
just talk, but I told him no I had just started something. (I was
actually doing my nails.)

As I write this he is now taking my daughter out to see a movie in place of going out with me. He told her he wanted to spend more time with her. HA! For her sake, at least she does get to spend time with him.

I have one more day of this before he goes back to the other side of the state.

I feel so sick inside. Everything in me wanted to say "YES I'll go
with you." Anything to see him and be near him. Then my head said to
my heart, "where is your self respect?"

I am stepping out of denial now. I know there can be no future with
him. Unfortunately instead of feeling better, I feel worse, because
now I'm in full rejection.

My friend told me it was the addiction making me feel this way,
wanting to shelve my self-respect one more time to be accommodating to
him. I was just going to be "something to do." Guilt eased, mission
accomplished and back to his internet friend and his 24/7 job. There
was none of this before he had his new position across the state. He
barely looked at me or talked to me. Didn't want to go on any dates
and when we did he was miserable. Now that he has his new life, he
can be generous and kind.

I am naive and overly trusting, but even I have my limits and I'm not stupid.

I took my wedding ring off today when I did my nails, and I haven't
put it back on. I think it is time to stop pretending that I share
anything with him other then a last name. I don't need it to remember
that I have no interest in finding a replacement. For as much as I
crave a relationship, I can't stand the thought of going through this
all again.

Dogs make much better companions.

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:

"My name is I AM."

He paused. I waited. He continued.

"When you live in the past with it's mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WAS.

"When you live in the future, with it's problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WILL BE.

"When you live in the moment it is not hard. I am here. My name is I AM."

Helen Mallicoat

To put up with… distortions and to stick to ones guns come what may. This is the… gift of leadership. ~ Gandhi

The withdrawal symptoms are beginning again for me. I'm good as long as my husband is away from us, but he is coming back this weekend to work in the basement and probably sleep here as well. He keeps saying he will move out, but only after he comes back to our city full time. Who knows when that will be?

So he is coming back and he wants to try and take me to dinner and shoot some pool, because well you know, he "wants to be friends."

We did this before he left town 2 weeks ago, and it went well, but as I said then, it felt a bit too normal, and this is when I realized how much in denial I was. I was misinterpreting his "just being friends" with being "in love" with me. So, I now recognize this and I have written about it. I have spoken to this list, my therapist and my support group about it. I should have the tools now to make a healthy choice. But here I am starting to agonize about him being here.

I'm feeling the pull of wanting to put a happy face on for every one and being "okay" with it. I want to believe there is hope between us. It's me still being in denial.

I did tell him that I wasn't available on Sunday night. He doesn't need to know that Sunday is my support group meeting. According to my son, he is talking about working in the basement all Saturday and into the evening. Phew! I should be happy that means he probably won't have time to spend with me!

I should be relieved, but I'm sad and I'm feeling abandoned and ignored. All the symptoms that I'm not over this withdrawal. I'm not in control of my addiction.

So, I will write more, and read more from my recovery bible. I will read from my participant guide on dealing with the first step of letting go and admitting my powerlessness. My head is right there, it knows what the correct answers are, but my heart is still refusing to give up. I know there can be only one outcome from this, because my husband refuses to see his own need to change. He is free to live his life now away from us. He doesn't have to face his responsibilities now, but instead just "write a check" when needed. He can be a big man now around us. He can just be friends now.

I've made a plan in light of my feelings.

If he does in fact blow off wanting to spend time with me in favor of working on the basement foyer, I have plans to go out and hear my son play bassoon and then maybe go over to the local bookstore and browse. I will stay away from the house as long as I can before coming home and then going upstairs and shutting the door. I will set and keep my boundaries just like he wasn't here.

I hate feeling like this. I don't want to numb my feelings, but I will be so thrilled to get past this point where it matters to me that he is around. Twenty-three years is a long time to walk away from. I can't even imagine what it would be like to date again, and frankly I'm not all that interested unless I could fill my need for a relationship and not have to go out with anyone! :)

Okay that is a pipe dream.

I will say that I was definitely holding to my guns about Sunday. I would find it embarrassing to call the leader of my group to tell her I wouldn't be at my second meeting with them because the object of my addiction wanted to go out and play pool. I hope to get to the point where I can say no to any time I don't feel comfortable. Then I will know I am really far more sober then I have ever been.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. ~ Gandhi

I was clicking through my Gandhi quote box and this was the second quote to come up and I thought very appropriate for this series of posts I'm writing about step 1.

Step 1 again, is the admission that we are powerless. It starts by accepting our denial and stepping out of it. We move out of the center of trying to keep control on our life and turn it over to our Higher Power. For me personally, my high power is God. In Celebrate Recovery they would say it was Jesus, but for me that is one and the same.

I got a nice email from my husband tonight. I have noticed a bit different tone with him, but being as it is email, I try not to put much stock into that. One can "hear" what ever one wants to hear when reading emails, so I prefer to err on the side of a neutral voice. He did seem happy to see us this weekend, but again, I'm not going to let my heart go there. That would be stepping back into my denial that this will all be happy in the end and he will come back. I need to divorce him in my mind now. Continue moving on with my life and not be available to him whenever.

I did write another long email. I can't seem to say anything in a few words, but I thought he might enjoy hearing about the little stories that go along with having a family. I doubt he appreciates them, but you never know. I ended that my news was probably pretty mundane, but we were getting along well. What I should have said, was I'm sure it was pretty mundane, but as far as I was concerned this was what real life is about and what has real meaning. He will have to learn that for himself. He won't listen to anyone else I'm sure.

I want to get back to my thought on Gandhi.

Gandhi is saying that faith must be grown into. It is an active process. Having the faith to turn over you life to God and let him be in-control is a tremendously active process. It requires self-awareness to recognize when we are trying to take over and do things our way. It requires not accepting our excuses for why we don't turn things over, and it most certainly is an active process to read and meditate on God's word to understand his will for our lives. Yes, faith is indeed active.

There is a time when faith is tested. Faith that has not been nurtured and acted upon fails pretty easily. We call it "second hand" faith because it was never ours to begin with. Faith may be initiated by a parent or teacher, but it is up to each of us to take ownership of it. I believe that is what Gandhi was getting at.

Tonight I will re-read a short passage out of Corinthians and meditate more on my denial and how I can finally admit my powerlessness and be active in allowing God to take control.

Purity of mind and idleness are incompatible. ~ Gandhi

It's funny that I should pull that quote up first from my quote box in the side bar. In a few short words, the great teacher Gandhi speaks a full sermon. One can not be pure of mind and not act on one's principles. I would extend that to say, one can not begin to act on one's principles if one is in denial. That is where I am at.

I have been slowly coming around and doing what I know is right, but it took my husband leaving me to do that. I was in denial on what was right for myself and my family based on doing what he wanted. I took the blame for many things that he was unhappy about. I was in denial believing that it was my fault that he was unhappy and I just had to try harder and never drop my guard around him. Being human that was an impossible standard to meet. I believe that he knew that and was waiting for me to fail.

I have been breaking through a lot of denial, but I am still not fully there. So tonight I'm pulling out my first book in the Celebrate Recovery program titled "Stepping out of denial into God's grace." in which lesson 1 is on denial.

It was excellent to walk into my meeting Sunday night and have them talk about the first step. Much of what was said came from this introduction to denial. For those that may not know, step 1 reads,

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

One of the questions brought up on small group was how one could reconcile all the different addictions and compulsions people were trying to step away from in one 12-step group? I could only conclude that the addiction was just a symptom of a deeper heart issue. A longing that couldn't be fulfilled for some reason. I know in my life, I felt a serious sense of abandonment. That I was never good enough. I deserved what I got because I was some how insufficient.

That "hole in my soul" drove me to be an over achiever. It drove me through graduate school. It drove me to not accept any options for a husband that didn't fit "God's plan" as I was told it was. It kept me in denial when it was obvious that my husband didn't love me. It still keeps me from fully admitting our relationship is over.

I talk a good talk, but inside, I'm afraid. As we learned Sunday night, "fear keeps us from giving God control." Until I can let go of my fear I will never gain full freedom.

That morning I heard a story about trust. A man was working in the yard while his two boys and a neighbor boy played in a tree house. When it was time for the boys to come down, the father called to his son's who jumped out of the tree into their waiting father's arms. The neighbor boy, didn't know that father very well, and refused to jump even though he had seen his play mates hop right out of the tree. Right now, I have seen many who are farther in their recovery who have learned to trust enough to hop out of the tree, but I'm still clinging to the branches.

As I end this entry and continue on with my reading, I will close with this one thought introduced at large group.

One can not control people and expect to be intimate with
them.

My husband and I have been trying to control the other, and so we could never be legitimately intimate. I am only beginning to realize that true intimacy is not another word for sex. I have confused the physical act with being intimate. True intimacy is much more then that. It is having your emotional needs met.

That's where I really am at. I have said I need to be good with me. That's really what I mean. I need to be intimate with myself first, and the first step to that is to finally strip my denial.

I think I'm coming out of denial. I think I'm seeing things as they really are and not as I wish them to be. The problem is, that I was thinking I was farther along, but I don't think I really am. I don't have a good comparison for knowing that, but I was in group tonight and well, I guess I was really accepting a lot more crap then I really should have.

I got a short text from my husband wishing me a happy Easter, but nothing more after that. One short email, and one short text. All I have gotten in two weeks of time since he has been gone. My head is telling me that he really isn't interested in becoming my real friend. He just doesn't want us to be enemies.

I can be cordial. That is all he will get and all he deserves now.

My heart is still crying out to have him come home. To be a family again.

My heart is stupid.

Today was the best Easter I have had in a very long time. I had breakfast with my kids and my best friend. We had dinner at home and of course the Easter Bunny was here. I was in heaven. There was no stress, no under current of discontent. My son started painting the window trim in his room and his sister's. Not to mention beginning to clean the house for his guests that he invited.

I have awesome kids and so much to be grateful for.

I know there can be only one ending to this story with my husband. I will start working the first step book as I wait for the next woman's 12-step group to form up. This support group will be good as well. I saw myself tonight in light of what was defined as trying to be in control as well as denial. The hardest part is to stop saying things in my head like, "YES, that's my husband!" I have to stop focusing on him. I have to rededicate this journal to being about me only.

I'm not "better" yet. I have been feeling better with him out of the house, but I'm not "better." I'm still a relationship addict. I'm still looking for a quick fix to medicate my abandonment. I am not sober yet of my heart issues.

I am back to saying "one day at a time."

Tomorrow is Easter.

I plan to have a phenomenal holiday. This whole spring break has been wonderful. I have been relaxed and just enjoyed the time to myself. I didn't need to have a trip. I didn't need much of anything. I just enjoyed being home.

I took my kids out to brunch. I told them how proud I was of both of them. They truly have risen up to the challenge and have been a huge help. As horrible as it was to be "dumped," my kids make me feel like everything is normal. In truth, I don't see myself as much as being dumped as I see my husband of just running off. My kids and I ARE the family and for now at least, we are happier and better off.

That's sad to say, but it is the truth.

So why have I titled this "the reason for the season" Easter isn't about death, but about new life. The chance to begin again. That makes this Easter even more meaningful to me. It is the chance for the three of us to start anew.

My son and I still have trouble fully communicating, but we at least quit and step away now and come back with a more loving attitude. We try to understand the other. He really is a more perfect version of his father and I. My daughter was a bit lost tonight. She walked a bit and then came in and we did our nails and played some more of our game. She misses him so much, but even she seems happier without the stress.

It comes down to the fact that HE was the stress. With him gone we all do better. Brother and sister are more loving too each other, to me and we work as a team. This never happened with their father around. One has to think the reason was, their father!

So yes he was unhappy. He did his best to point the blame at me, but with him gone, we all are happier, so I have to think, it was never about me or the kids. He was the unhappy one, and he made the rest of us miserable.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Easter together for breakfast at church, then my son will go help with and Easter egg hunt and worship at the church he likes. My daughter and my best friend will stay at the same church for Bible study and worship. Then home for ham and biscuits and homemade applesauce. I already have their Easter baskets made up to set at the table first thing in the morning.

Yes, it will be a good Easter and the first unspoiled holiday of the year.

A season marked with new hope for a new future.

Tonight I got the best news of the day. My mom-in-law called and I got to talk to her for a bit. I had the kids send a card for Easter and she got it and called to tell the kids how nice it was. She asked to speak to me as well and we had a good chat. I was relieved to hear her say that she loved me and I was always welcome in her home.

She loves her son, but she loves me too. She was even happy to hear that I had joined a support group and was doing what I could to keep our family together. I think she knows that this will most likely not work out well and she was actually thinking I will be better off. If you don't see the depth of what she was saying, then you have never been in this position. My mom-in-law was supporting me.

I honestly do respect her, and she has truly been a wonderful mom-in-law. She was never interfering. She was always there to help whenever we asked. This was the last thing she wanted to see come from one of her own kids. She hates the whole idea of divorce. Sadly her son is under some delusion that he is better off without me. He is also under some delusion that his family has been harboring some great hatred of me. Like I wasn't good enough. He was the one that wasn't good enough.

I can't say this is how his sister feels. She hasn't spoken to me and ignored my last email. She is probably feeling some sense of fear of being in the middle. There is no middle to be in. It's my husband's doing. Not theirs.

I was just extremely relieved to know that in my mom in laws mind at least, I'm still her daughter. She and I have a lot in common that at least for us, family is the most important thing. My immediate family isn't close, and that was the last thing I wanted for my kids. I wanted us there for them. At least one of us will be. The other will be as well, but from a distance I guess.

I want to finish this entry though by saying what a joy today was. The weather was beautiful despite some thunder showers. I heard from my mom-in-law, and I found the kind of Easter candy I had been looking all over town for. The GOOD stuff, not the standard, usual stuff you see. I even got unique baskets. Finally, the kind of Easter we use to have.

My daughter invited a friend over for the night, and my son had his woodwind ensemble over to practice. The house was filled with music and laughter. My daughter and I got our hair done and our eyebrows waxed. Tomorrow the two of us and her friend will do our nails. It will be wonderful.

The grand finale was being able to play in my online game with my guild mates. We explored some of the elite areas and we got to finish my last campaign as my ranger. That was awesomeness for me. I got to do it without guilt, and with my daughter for the most part. It really was a good evening.

So, I'm not alone. I still have my mom-in-law's love, and I'm getting along just fine. I have friends. I have family.

I have me and that isn't such a bad thing to have either.

Tonight I don't want to write about me.

Tonight I don't want to write about my husband.

Tonight I want to write about my son.

My son is an amazing individual. From the first moments of his life, I looked over to him in his hospital bassinet, under a sun light and as he looked at me, I thought, "this kid is destined for something more in life." And it was true.

My son is a personality plus kid. He can network like no one I have ever met, and he is confident in himself to succeed. The moment he picked up his first bassoon, it was love at first sight, and nothing slowed him down after that. He puts everything he has into it and not just his bassoon, but his academic work. Tonight he was honored along with the other high school honor students. When he stood up to say where he would be going to school and what his major would be, he confidently announced, that he would one day be famous.

I believe him. I believe in him. No matter what else happens to our family, I know that my son will succeed.

He is ready to launch.

I honestly hate sleeping in late. I have had to get up so early for so many days, I just have been enjoying snuggling down and not answering to any alarms. Today was bad though. One p.m. is WAY too late to be getting up. Tomorrow though will have to be different. I have an 11 am with my therapist and tomorrow is my son's honor's banquet. I'm so proud of him.

I remember telling my son when he was in grade school that he had to keep his grades up so he could have choices of colleges. What I was really telling him was if he doesn't keep his grades up there won't be scholarships. I knew then he wasn't going to have the money for college because my husband and I just couldn't manage money. Everything I earned went to paying off debt, and when it was paid off, you think we would learn and keep out, but no.

One thing my husband was correct about, he is better off on his own. He has no excuses now for not setting money aside. For that I'm grateful. He has to prove now to everyone how being married to me was the reason he couldn't manage. Meanwhile, I am setting money aside. I have slightly over $1000 dollars to put toward my son's bassoon down payment. My daughter has even jumped on the band wagon wanting to put aside some of her monthly money to pay for color guard expenses.

I can't get over how both the kids are rising to the challenge. They have been amazingly supportive and want to do what they can to help out. I couldn't be more blessed. If either of these two are going to learn about how to be in a family, it will have to come from me.

This doesn't feel different then normal to me. With my husband moved out of town, I should be feeling some kind of loss, but it doesn't feel different. We are happier here. I can set rules and limits and we seem to all follow them. Why couldn't we do this when my husband was with us?

Was there really this undercurrent of discontent poisoning all the relationships? I at least feel like the kids have some respect for me now. I know they love me, and my son is more relaxed now. I'm honestly amazed at the difference. As much as I hate to say it, I think all three of us are better off.

So I don't know what to do. If my husband can mature and see his own failings to make amends would I take him back? If he doesn't but still wants to come back, would I take him back? Or is this all moot and he never comes back because of pride and ego. Would I really want him to?

If I was forced to answer that question right now, I would have to say that I am better off without him. Yes, I long for the comfort of his presence, but no longer at the expense of being second class. If I'm not first in his life, then I'm nothing. I'm getting along well with other people. I'm making friends and recognizing them in public. People stop and speak to me now.

Yup, i was given a bunch of crap to deal with, but I'm very blessed none the less.

I have two amazing kids, an amazing home for however long we can keep it, a job that is challenging and fulfilling. Although I may not have a husband, I also no longer am the victim of emotional and verbal abuse nor will I ever let that happen to me again.

Life is much quieter now and I feel much more at peace.

I really don't have too much to say tonight. I got up, I played a bit and I did groceries. I fixed dinner like I always have, and the three of us sat down and ate together. It was nice.

There is still a bit of a void left by not having "dad" there with us. I do miss him, but honestly I am much happier with him gone and so is at least my son. My daughter is better with him gone and gets along better with both myself and her brother. It makes me sad that there is little to no change with their dad gone. How could that possibly be? Was he that removed from us emotionally, that we don't notice a difference with him not here?

I never realized how little involvement there was with him in our lives. He took my daughter to taekwondo, he ran errands, he was here at night to talk too and to sleep with. Now that he is gone, I thought I would miss him more. Maybe as I look about the house and still see his presence here it isn't feeling real that he is gone? Maybe because he has left us for so long so many different times, that this doesn't seem any different?

I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm happy right now, and I'm moving forward. I'm getting help and making some new friends. I love my kids and they know it. I'm here and I won't leave. I can't even imagine the fact that their father has to be told to call his own kids, and he still doesn't contact my son unless he contacts him first. There is no point in trying to run him down to the kids, he is doing a good job on his own. If anything, I try to build him up and still make excuses.

Well he can immerse himself in work. He can chat up his friend on the web and he can swoop in and be "part of the family," when it is convenient. I really do think this whole "lets be friends" thing is because he is feeling relieved he has moved away. He knew he was finally free and had a place to go away from us. He got what he wanted most. He is far away from us.

He may think he is the happy one, but I am pretty convinced that the real happy ones are the ones that got left behind.

We remain and will always be a family. We are getting through this together. We are talking, we are fussing and crying and we are apologizing. We are trying to be better each day then the day before. We are growing together.

Sometimes the real freedom comes in mastering the difficulties of one's life, not the running away from them. That's just avoiding the inevitable.