I had an email conversation today with my husband who is now at his new location. I finally said it. I told him that I don't believe that I love him, but I loved being in a relationship with him. He was gracious in return and said again how he wanted to work on having a friendship. For him that may mean just a "pat on the back, how'ya doin'" kind of friendship. I really don't know, because as far as I was concerned we were between acquaintance and friends, but not "good friends." I told him that I could be comfortable and happy with him for many years to come, but I could not love someone that would not confide in me.

He did write back to reassure me that he did want to work on being friends. He felt this past weekend was a very good start. I agree with that view.

We also agree that we are pretty much stuck in marriage together until the economy changes and the house can sell for the proper price. That could be up to four years from now when my daughter graduates high school.

So I will continue to work on me and hopefully we might be able to one day be real friends if he wishes and maybe develop a real intimacy together. If not, I'll be okay because I've chosen to no longer suffer and to get on with the business of life. To quote Gloria Gaynor, "I will survive." :)

Seriously, I do have a lot of work to do, but tonight as I was attending a band concert that both my kids were in, I actually knew a few people and spoke with them. I didn't feel so out of the loop as I had before. All of the folks I spoke to attend out at the Methodist church I have been attending. That honestly made me feel like I belonged in the community for a change. I didn't feel overwhelmed to be alone. I was able to relax and just enjoy myself. It still stings to realize that I am becoming a single woman emotionally, but I don't fear it like I did before. I'm almost relieved.

With or with out him, I'll be a better, healthy person.

After a pretty nice weekend, I had a realization today, that I may truly not love my husband. The following is a letter I wrote to my online support group.

I wrote:

"One of the things I have gained the most from this list, is becoming aware of my actions and thoughts. I feel the craving for a new relationship to replace the one I had with my husband, and I recognize it and in so doing, beat it back down a bit. Well, I think I had another awareness moment this weekend.

As I was driving home from work, it dawned on me just how shallow our relationship must have been. What we experienced Saturday night felt normal. We had fun and I was okay. But then I heard it from his lips the next day that he was just "being friendly." It couldn't been any clearer to me. We could have gone to bed together Saturday night, (we didn't) and I would have thought all was okay. He could have said he loved me again and played the role, but it wouldn't have been any different on his part, but I would have felt euphoric that I had my husband back.

That depresses me, but also makes sense to me now. This is how addicted to the IDEA of a relationship I am. I confuse just "being friends" with love because the correct words were spoken, not actually felt. What ever hope I thought I had is gone now.

It really is sad to think that the past 23 years was a delusion. I got some nice things out of it, but the thing I wanted most was never there."

Even now as I ponder what I wrote it occurs to me that I would be very happy to continue with him another 23-years, just the way things were. He would say the right words, then enjoy having all the physical comforts of being home. Again, as I think of the things he said about his company doing so poorly right now, I'm reminded how when he lost his job before, I knew nothing of it, until it was close to him losing it. His "friend" knew all, but he wasn't sharing it with me. This has gone on for many months before he told me what was going on, and again, his "friend" knew it before me I'm sure. She was feeding his ego and being his fully attentive ear, while I was bogged down with school and work.

He really doesn't love me, and I don't think he really is my friend. He doesn't want to be enemies, but yet, I get this feeling that he would sell me out again if it suited his purposes. He was in fact seducing me again this weekend, but this time, he had the decency to at least not try to be physical. It may have crossed his mind, but at least that didn't happen.

The moral of the story in this is, yes I can be nice and enjoy the time out, but I need to keep my guard up fully. He is not to be trusted and certainly does not have my best interests in mind.

So, I guess the writing is officially on the wall. He has no intention of preserving the family. The family is just us three now, and he helps pay the bills.

Sunday's are looking up. I enjoyed going to church and then lunch after. I will say though I was tugged a bit to get home and speak to my husband again. I honestly don't know what to think. He wants friendship. Maybe if we can communicate better, that can happen.

I get this mixed feeling from him of not wanting to reconcile verses not wanting to divorce. Maybe he is just being vague, maybe indecisive, but honestly, I just get the feeling that he doesn't really want a divorce, but he feels a need to stay separated. So, I guess we stay in limbo and see what happens over the course of time.

I know he misses his family. I also know he is feeling a lot of pressure to prove he is capable of doing something he has never attempted to do. Much of the things he has avoided in our married life are coming at him full force in his work life. Karma is a bitch I guess.

So, I guess like teaching, I can only control what goes on with me. I will continue to follow my course of being independent and see where that takes me. Maybe he will be attracted to it, maybe not. Maybe I won't be attracted to him, but frankly I am. It would take a long time for me to get over him and be able to date another. When I look at him, I still see the gorgeous young man I married. It will definitely be a long time for me to get over that.

So I guess nothing really has changed. I have to get on with life and working toward being healthy. I guess I know I am when I file the papers because he won't.

Sad way of looking at it really. That said, it was a good day all in all.

Tonight my husband asked me out to play pool. I even got dinner out of it.

We talked a bit. Turns out he has been made a temporary director of the plant in the other city he has to be at all the time. He'll have to live there a while, but it shouldn't be permanent. Well at least yet.

We actually had a good dinner. We talked a bit. I asked if the stresses he has been feeling at work, (they are 1 million in the red right now) has anything to do with what our personal issues have become. He couldn't answer, because he didn't know. I accept that, because he really doesn't handle feelings well. We talked about the kids and putting money aside for my son's bassoon. We are working on this issue together and hopefully it will lead to a positive experience for him that we can work together.

I don't think he is ready to say he wants to reconcile yet. I think he does miss me some. I know I miss him. That said, I have to keep working on me to be healthy. I'm not there yet. He isn't either, but that is for him to work through. He admits that he has had to toughen up to answer some very sharp and detailed questions. So maybe he is learning some too.

Overall it was a small brick into a new foundation. Hopefully there will be more, but for tonight I accept it as a nice evening out. No more, no less. I'm happier that way.

Tomorrow I will go to church and enjoy the company of some new friends. I will also try to get some grading done. I think I will sleep okay tonight. No matter what happens with him, I know what I need to do to make it happen for me.

I'm grateful for this night. It was nice to spend time with my husband, even if it was just for a few hours. I'm grateful for the chance to keep things in perspective and to not put more into things then what was there. I'm grateful for the chance to continue to develop a more independent me.

I'm going to be okay. I will get through this. Alone or with him, I will get through this.

Well the not so significant other has come home tonight.

We spoke in short emails while he was still at work, and he seemed willing to talk in short sessions. So we will try tomorrow. I have to remember to keep my frustration level down and be as positive as possible. It does no good right now to try and come at him in anger. We have to work together for the greater good of the family even if we don't stay together as man and wife.

On that thought, I'm investigating "Celebrate Recovery" as an option for a face to face support group. I need that in my life right now. Turns out there is a group that meets right around the corner from where I live. They also meet on Monday nights, so that would make my Sunday's less stressful not to mention go easier on my gasoline. I really need to step out and find help to deal with these issues.

I don't want to give up on the idea of finding genuine love in my life, or at least a mutually satisfactory relationship with a man that doesn't require wearing armor. To quote Taylor Swift, "I didn't think being in love meant having to fight for the upper hand."

I had an enjoyable time with my daughter tonight too. We played our favorite online game with our guild mates and advanced her character further in the story. She is so relaxed with it and enjoying the game with real people. It was fun to just think about nothing else, laugh and joke and have a really pleasant time. I never even got that much enjoyment with her brother when he played. She will be spending time with her dad tomorrow, so it was nice to get to spend time with her tonight. It will be a good opportunity to get some grading done tomorrow while she is gone with him. My son is on a trip as well this weekend, so it should be fairly quiet and stress free.

I'm looking forward to Sunday as well. I so enjoy going to bible class and meeting new people. It helped to know my friend from school, but honestly, I feel comfortable with anyone there.

So tonight was a good night. I was stressed a bit about my husband coming home, but so far I'm doing okay.

One day/hour at a time.

I really don't have too much to vent about tonight. Maybe the worst of it is over, or maybe because there was some good TV on tonight? I just know, that I seem okay tonight.

I saw my therapist today, and got a lot out about how I was feeling and how I was doing. I do have a lot of anger, but even with that said, I want to be pro-active. I want to keep seeking sources of support. Today my sister told me about a group called "Celebrate Recovery." They have a group that meets up in a local community, so I emailed the group organizer and hope to get some information about it. It could be another opportunity to find new friends, and help ease through this transition time to being a single person.

That was a point brought up tonight. I'm in this weird purgatory. I'm legally married, yet I am feeling more and more like a single woman. The big risk right now is in wanting to replace one relationship with another. I find myself scanning the rooms I'm in looking for wedding rings. I have snooped around dating websites to see what men are available in this area. The problem is, that its not me. I don't think you find a genuine relationship via an Internet "shopping cart." It just doesn't seem very natural.

I did something interesting last night though. I actually visualized pushing the bad feelings out of my body and then again this morning driving to work. I had this image of that "black oil" alien from the x-files that oozed into a human host via the eyes. I pictured the bad feelings were this black oil and I was pushing it out of my body. It actually worked. I think that and acknowledging the loss of my sister and dad helped a bit too.

My husband may want to bury himself in his work and pretend he's happy, but I am choosing to move forward and reach out to others.

My sister said, I feel defeated because I have lost a few battles, but I will win the war. I hope she is right. I want to win so I can move forward and be happy. I don't want to live in the past and regret what "could have been if."

So tonight, I don't have any serious complaints. I am aware and recognize my fear and paranoia. I don't have to give into them. I have my study guide for Sunday morning to read, and maybe I will become involved with a f2f support group to augment my online group.

I am not the person that my in-laws and husband want me to be. I am the person I choose to see. I see a person that is doing something she loves for her career, that is successful at it and will beat this financial monster once and for all and gain financial freedom. I see a woman that loves her kids and hopefully history will be kind that I did do what I could for them. I guess it doesn't matter if they think I'm great, its what I know that I did that was the right thing. To ask forgiveness when I'm wrong, and to keep trying everyday to be better.

I guess that is the one thing about life I have grown to appreciate. Each day, is a new chance to be better then the day before. To pick yourself up and do it all over again the way you wanted to when you messed up. For that I'm grateful to God for the opportunity to try and be better.

I slept better last night. I wasn't as tired today and I think that helped my mood. Perhaps it was the death of my sister that was really eating at me. I personally hate the month of March. Sadder still is the fact that April 3rd is the anniversary of my dad realizing something was wrong with him. I remember because mom kept saying it was the day after their anniversary. No matter what, this time of year just sucks.

I do feel a lot better tonight. I think writing about what I'm feeling has been helping to release it so I can stop thinking about it so much. It is if I'm talking to someone out there that is actually listening. I do know better, but in my mind, I see that faceless someone out there reading and feeling for me, and it makes me feel better.

I don't feel very supported right now. It's not true, but I do feel it. My fears of abandonment have kicked up and then there is this whole "why do they hate me?" paranoia. I think I'm in withdrawal again. I let my hopes build a little that my husband may be coming around, but he's not. So I have to bring my expectation levels down again, and just frankly...let go.

I was happier when I did let go. He's definitely ignoring my emails now and so is his sister. The family has circled the wagons and pushed me outside to fend for myself.

I was never accepted by them anyway. At first yes, but I didn't conform. I was tossed away long before it got this serious.

I had a plan for the week and I abandoned it. It may have kept me from feeling this down. I'm going to start using some of this "free time" to meditate a bit during this Lenten season on the trials that Jesus faced. Whether you believe him to be the divine son of God, or a prophet, Jesus faced a lot of trials for his belief. My trials aren't anywhere near as hard as his, and last I heard, I'm not going to be put to death for them. There is lessons in how he behaved to those around him for me.

My son told me I was a failure last week. Maybe he was right, but if I am, then there really isn't much more to hang on to then. It should make it easier to just let go of my life, as there is nothing there to hang on to. It seems to me, everyone else has no problem letting go of me, why should I not also let go of what I thought was important and let what is important fill in the gaps?

What is important is that I start caring for me. What is hard is actually doing that.

I think I hit a point of despair tonight.

I'm being ignored by my husband and now his sister. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I tried to contact her in email. Just a short friendly note, saying how the kids are and how I have been. No talk of her brother, or anything serious like that. Just, this is how we are.

No word back.

How easy it must be when there is nothing vested in a family to just throw those members away. Is that not what is going on? I was never a real part of the family, just, the in-law. Soon, I won't even be that.

I guess I was wrong that if you love enough, have faith enough, and be honest enough, you can win over the hardest of hearts. I guess all that formula leads to is just dumb idealism.

My kids think I suck.

My husband hates me and abandoned me.

My in-laws are now on-board with the, "run her out of town," mentality.

I honestly have no idea what I did this wrong in life to deserve this level of Karma, but it must have been a good one.

Tonight, I missed my dad and my older sister. My sister was killed in a plane wreck on the 22nd of this month. Maybe that is really what is bothering me most right now. I just know, that I wish they were both here to guide me.

I just feel so alone.

In the end of it all, there is nothing that is happening that is really all my fault. It does feel that way, and there are quite a few that will capitalize on that to make me believe it. I wasn't the best wife and mother, but if nothing else, I was at least sincere about it. I only wanted what was best, and had I had the backing of a supportive spouse I know things would have been different. These kids would be feeling more secure because we adults would have been secure.

For that I did fail. My son was right that I should have done the leaving a long time ago. It is kinda sad though that in trying to do the right thing by keeping the family together, all I have done was make us hate each other more. Those Christian principles weren't wrong, but it assumed that the people that were following them were healthy and believed them as well.

I tried Dad.

I tried big sister.

Unfortunately, in life, try doesn't count unless you win.

I don't have too much to write about tonight. I tried to email my husband while he is out of town to fill him in on things. No answer, and I guess I never expected one. I have been reflecting some today on the words of Jesus to "pray for our enemies." I don't know if I would consider him an enemy, but I do know he isn't a friend.

I know that sooner or later, I will have to forgive him in order to move on with my life. I'm still holding on, still hoping. Just too much makes sense right now. He never said he loved me much beyond those first few years. He would say it, but only in response. His treatment of me, the indifference, the failure to deal fairly and honestly. His lack of concern for my needs. I can go on and on. Do I need a relationship this badly?

I caught myself trying to find matches on e-harmony.com. Curiosity I think more then anything, but why would I do that? Why would I even try to involve someone else right now?

I have been fighting the non-stop checking of my email. He isn't going to write back, and if he does, it may be a couple of days. He doesn't want me. Why can't I see that? Why do I think because of all the years we spent, that he would want to preserve it and our family? My son understands it better then I do. I'm holding on to something that never was.

Hurt pride, or just plain hurt.

I don't want to be alone, but I'm not alone. I continue to be in limbo.

I will work on trying to shore up my security and the kids security. Perhaps in that I can finally achieve some peace of mind. When I know I can take care of myself and support these kids, then I know I can walk away free.

I keep having this sick feeling that things will get under control financially, and he will suddenly be "okay again" just like he was when all of this happened before and I got my job. He was all ready to just lead me on until the kids were gone, until I got the job, then all of a sudden he loved me again.

He will find his way out of the dark abyss, and then he will be "okay" with me. I think I hope I'm wrong, because if I'm right, I may have to walk away from him. I can't have a part-time friend/husband. A man that was never there for me when I needed him, shouldn't have my love when things are good.

So there I am tonight. Fighting the urge to act like and idiot, yet, knowing in my heart I am one. I did the right thing to open up the lines of communication. The ball is in his court now and I have to move on as if I never did.

This will be a short entry, but today was in fact a good day.

I started going back to church thanks to a friend at school. She teaches the adult bible class there and I went for the first time today. I asked my dearest friend who moved to this area with us 4 years ago to come to worship service and she enjoyed herself very much as well. We not only liked the people we were with, they made us feel welcome and let us join them for lunch.

I can't express how much this meant to me today to feel welcomed and accepted again. I have missed the experience of being with those that do their part to be more to others. The only way to look outward is to stop looking inward. I was depressed last night for a short time, but it took a few minutes with friends to make the hurt go away. Today, I laughed and was relaxed and enjoyed my time with these new additions to my life.

The only down side, is I'm still catching myself looking for available men as if that is going to make a difference for me. Once again, I'm trying to appease the relationship addict in me by finding a new relationship to call my own and feel fulfilled. I'm not sober yet, but at least I'm aware of what I'm doing and not giving in to the temptation to panic and be depressed for being alone. I'm not alone.

I have my wonderful kids and I have some new friends that have no problem inviting me to join them for anything. The next event seems to be a dinner theater on the 29th. I should go. I will ask for more details. I know it will be an expense that I probably shouldn't make right now, but this is important. Being with people, and enjoying life right now is very important.

So today was a good day and I am grateful and blessed for it.

I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Tonight my daughter and I went out to a local eatery where my son was playing bassoon tonight with two of his friends. It is becoming some what of a habit now to go out there on Saturday night as it gets me out of the house and I love to hear him play. Tonight though, the parents of one of the performers were there as well. They are a loving, kind couple, and of course they ask, "Where is your hubby tonight?"

I stammered a bit and said, "Out of town."

It wasn't a lie, he is out of town, but I didn't share that we are separated either. I couldn't do it. I was having a pretty good day today, and that one question sent me crashing to the ground. I felt alone for the first time in a long time, and I cried a bit when I got home. I miss him very much right now, but then I got hold of myself, and started reading through a friend's blog. I had no idea that she is on her second marriage.

I have to think that life can go forward and there must be someone out there for me that will treat me with respect and kindness.

I had a real heart to heart with my son this past week. He is hurt and angry and I can't blame him one bit. We failed as parents to provide the security he and his sister both needed. My husband failed to provide the security that I needed. So, having defined a major issue, I have had to take on the role of rebuilding that security for my kids, alone.

I have chosen to take on this financial monster on my own. I hope my husband will get it together and start finding the money to pay off his debts, but I am budgeting and watching every penny that I spend. I don't make excuses for what I spend, I spend it, and I record the amount and then instead of getting frustrated and quitting, I learn from it and move on. It is my hope to save out enough each month to help my son buy his bassoon. If is father is able to come through, then great, I'll have money set aside for a new place to live, but if he doesn't, I want to be there for my son.

I honestly should be happier that he is gone right now. I had a terrible dream last night that I not only found out there were other women, but other children as well. I never woke up so depressed in my life. I know it is just my paranoia coming out, but it could also be me telling myself to not forget who he really is. What is the point of having him back, when he has no intention of changing?

I am 50 years old.

I am separated.

I am feeling alone and supporting the weight of this mess on my shoulders.

I am budgeting.

I am paying the bills.

I am capable of getting through this.

I will get through this for the sake of my kids, and for my own sanity.

I am not really alone.

I am writing this with tears running down my face.

My son hit the deepest, most painful nerve that I have.

I embarrass him in front of his friends.

Teens are suppose to be embarrassed by their parents, that is just what we seem to do, but this goes deeper for me. I remember as vividly as the day it happened singing in church and watching my older sister and her friends laugh at me.

I love to sing, and at that time I had a well developed, but still untrained voice. It was too loud and didn't blend well with the others. I was singing from my heart, and it made me a joke for a lot of people, my own sisters included.

I was always socially awkward. I didn't like playing games with people. I tried to be honest and tell the truth. I tried to be a real friend to the few I called friend. I hate the little social clicks, and the gossip. I was an old soul in a young body, always feeling more comfortable with the adults then with kids my own age. I wasn't a player and never tried to intentionally take advantage or use other people. I was an easy target for those that did.

I guess that is why I don't let people get close. I have learned how to be social without vesting any emotion. I am good with "work friends" because that is how I see them as. They are just, "acquaintances." I have no true friends, except perhaps one woman and even there, I'm not sure if I would consider her a true friend.

So what brought on this fit of self pity and tears? I made two small comments in two days that my son felt worthy of rebuke.

"Don't say stuff like that in front of my friends."

With out even knowing what he was doing, I was that young girl being the embarrassment of the family all over again. Bullied, unaccepted, and unwanted by my own family.

Some hurts I guess you never heal from.

Its been a week since I last wrote. A lot can happen in a week.

Something has snapped in me I guess. I no longer believe that my marriage is fixable. I no longer believe that my husband is capable of any change. I do believe that he intends to do what is best for him at the expense of the kids and I, so I have come to my own decisions on things.

I didn't want this mess, nor do I want divorce. I do however want peace and I want my kids and I to be able to move forward and rebuild our self-esteem and trust. My son is ready to launch, but his sister is not, and as long as this nightmare is allowed to continue, she never will be. So for that reason, I have made my decision and now I have to save my money.

Tonight he comes home after being gone for two-weeks. We haven't really spoken in that time except by email, and that was short and too the point. He won't be welcome around me while he is here. I have set my boundaries and have spoken to the kids that it is very important that he not be encouraged to come upstairs. I am still withdrawing from him and I know that if I spend any time with him at all, I will want him again. I can't allow myself to do that.

Whatever I had loved about him is gone. I can't even cry any more. It is just empty now.

I've been trying to read this book that my therapist loaned me. Its a difficult read because I see truth in it about myself and how I handle my relationships, not just with my husband, but with my mom and sister. I had a lot of hurt and anger which I have been able to drain like poison from a wound over the past few years, but the void that is leaves needs filled with new ways of dealing with conflicts and general communication that won't lead to the same failed results.

In a way the book is meant to be positive, but its taking me a long time to read because it depresses me like that last book. Each page reminds me that, unless my husband is ready to face his own demons, there is no hope for this relationship, and hence why I refuse to go up against anymore windmills.

I read a comment from my online support group that simply asked if your tired of doing all the feeling in the relationship? That hit me hard, because that is exactly what I have been doing. All the love, all the caring, all the emotion of this marriage has been coming from me, and now that I have stopped supplying it, there is none coming back.

I have been the entire relationship.

So that has been my thought for the week, and why I have come to the choice I have. The dreams still haunt me, but as I gain confidence in my choice they should ease.

There is no turning back from this point forward.

Then there is no turning back.

I am at a loss right now. My husband continues to toy and play games. His lack of sincerity toward me pushes me farther toward just ending it once and for all. He has put himself in a position to be in another city as much as possible now. So much for working the issues out together.

He made it clear to me that he has "no problems," so now he runs away and leaves me the task of finishing what he started.

I am not there yet.

Emotionally, I no longer think I want him. How could I ever trust him? He opens his mouth and everything is a half-truth or an outright lie. He never meant to go through therapy as a way to seek help for himself. He just wanted validation that he was "okay," so he could continue to save face with his mother. He hasn't lifted a finger to do anything for me or to save this union. He throws away the only things in this life that really matter for what? I still don't know the answer to that one and most likely never will.

So now I agonize over the timing of my choice.

To finish it swiftly and go into massive debt, or save up what I can and see if he finally goes through with filing papers on his own or not. There is no winning in this choice.

He was so sure this is what he wanted, but when it came down to it, he proved just as much a coward as he was all those years not facing the problems when they were young enough that we may have had a chance to fix things. But are they really fixable?

He is a damaged soul. He has to face his own demons now alone, because I can't face them for him or with him. I would have stood by him, but he had no faith in me. He still has no faith in me. Whatever I ask of him, he will agree then immediately ignore it. He is not now or has ever really been my friend. He has just used me for his own satisfaction and companionship needs when it suited him. How easy and trusting I was.

I risk becoming bitter.

My son wants this over with so we can move on with our lives. My daughter, knows it will happen, but it breaks her heart. I still fear abandonment. Even now, as each day goes by that he doesn't not contact me, it gets more intense. I have taken a sleep aid tonight to help me tonight. I have tomorrow off for snow, and as much as I am grateful for one more day, I also hate the idea. I hate being here alone now.

I'm sure it is withdrawal that I'm feeling.

I find myself looking around the rooms of public places in hope of finding someone new to have a relationship with. The gold band keeps me from doing that as well as keep those that troll for lonely women away. I must keep to my path of resisting the urge and seek women to make friends with. I have jumped from one bad relationship right into a 23-year one of emotional and verbal abuse. I can't risk jumping into another with a guy that may be even worse then he was.

I should be reading right now, but as much as I am drawn to learn about why I do what I do, I am depressed by it as well. I have lost hope at keeping my family together, as well as hope that I will be able to have a healthy relationship with a man again. As long as I wear this band, I don't have to face that yet, but as long as I wear this band, I keep myself and my kids in a hell created by a hit and run manipulator.

All talk and no action. How typical. How utterly painful and how utterly unnecessary.

Sleep well faithless spouse where ever you are. You can't run from your demons when there is no place left to run from and no one left to blame but yourself.