I've been pretty tired.  Working full time and going to school full time is exhausting.  I know the school part is almost over, but I'm really hoping for another snow day tomorrow.  Don't think we are going to get it, but I can dream.

I guess in my tired frame of mind I am susceptible to being a bit sad tonight that I don't have someone special to share my "moments" with.  There are people to talk to, but there are times I would just like to curl up in bed with someone that thinks as much of me as they do themselves.  I wasn't one of the lucky ones though.  Despite the number of years I waited before settling down, I still picked badly.

I have a problem with being attracted to emotionaly unavailable people. Not just men, but women too.  I seem to make my closest friends with people who aren't really investing in relationship.  I guess because at the core of things, I don't invest much in relationship either.  So I guess I got what I deserved in that.

The good news is that I'm seeing the red flags sooner.  I recognize when things are going down a one-way street a lot sooner then I use too.  I'm out of denial and fully believe that the amount of people looking for friendships is a lot smaller then those that just want an ego stroked.  I'm guilty of that too.  Gravitating to people that think I'm wonderful just to get the "high" of feeling important.  Only problem is that no one can keep that level of ego feeding going.  So they begin to feel smoothered and  withdraw and I feel lost, angry and betrayed. 

I guess I am learning to not believe my "own press."  I have many things now that give me fullfillment and satisfaction.  I'm not so reliant on others to do that for me.  Now i have to learn how to make lasting friendships.  That's the part I'm poor at, but at least now, I'm better at figuring out if the person I'm wanting to have relationship with is actually interested as well.

Sooner or later I'll hit on the right combination.  Meanwhile, I still have my dogs to curl up with at night, and i'm not totally friendless.  Small steps.  Small steps.

I have worked all of 4 hours in the past 3+ weeks.

Tomorrow we go back to school after having nearly 11 days at or below freezing.

I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but I have enjoyed the break, and now I guess I'm ready to get back to work and regain some discipline.  Lazy time is over.

I have to get a plan together to pay my bills and still save money back enough to pay for this divorce.  $2500 dollars cash is what it will take to retain the attorney.  I just want to get this over with.

So, wish me luck as I face about 170 cranky students that don't want to be in school after also having 3+ weeks off.

Its gonna be fun. ;-)

It's been a year.

One year ago, my husband left us.  He cited all kinds of reasons, but none of them made sense.  The only thing that made sense was, "he just didn't want to be married."  At times, he seemed remorseful and willing to talk things out, but as soon as we got just a little bit close to getting at the root of the issue, the "protector" came out.

The protector is a term I give to that part of his personality that protects him from feeling anything.  He is hard and callous.  He will accept no wrong and refuses help to get well.  He doesn't want to change and so he condemns himself to a life of loneliness.  In those moments when the protector is asleep, that part of him that doesn't really want to be alone comes out and can be reasoned with.  He has no self esteem and feels strongly that he is undeserving of his family and of me.

He knows that we are doing well, that I am doing well and he wallows in self-pity.  He plays the victim, unable to change, unable to feel, unable to have friends.  As soon as any human kindness is shown to him, the protector wakes up and rushes in to his defense.  He seals off the doors and windows and protects that which is vulnerable from being spoken too.

I gave it one more attempt.  I tried to show compassion and understanding.

"I tried" is as far as it got.

Within 8 hours of what was a productive conversation, the protector was back and beating back any further attempts to reason.  He won't talk about his fears, he won't talk about why he is afraid to change and get help.  He doesn't want to change.

Sadder then losing a husband, this family has lost its father.

It is beyond my thinking that anyone would walk away from the needs of their family.  His only justification is that he can't handle conflict.  What that really means is he can't handle conflict where he is at the center and is clearly in the wrong.  What that really means is, he has no desire to understand or have compassion for anyone but himself.

He is capable of feeling.  He is very capable of loving and being loved.  But it is too much effort on his part to put the work into any relationship.  Everything flows to him.  He is a black hole.

He wants divorce, but he says he can't afford it.

Therefore, I will do what he most likely doesn't believe I will do and I will file the paper work.  I am not sure when my dispersement money from college will arrive, but when it does, I will pay the retaining fees and get all of this started and finished.

He will be "free," but more importantly, the kids and I will be free of him.  In the end it doesn't matter who files first, it just matters that this situation finally be resolved.

One year has been more then generous.  He used that time to think of nothing but his own skin.  I wonder just how long it will be once he's free for him to forget not just me, but all of us.

So for now, I'm very sad that this could not be resolved, but I know it is the right thing to do.  As I told him, "by setting him free, I set myself free."