I need to update my blog, but for right now my unknown readers, or imaginary readers as it may be, tonight it is quiet and all is well. I still think of my husband every day, but not as much as I use too. I do tend to argue with him in my head, like that would do any good, other then give me the satisfaction of always winning the fight!

I grow more and more aware that he has no intention of changing his mind. I don't want to stay married to him for another four years if that is his intent so my daughter can stay in the house. All that does is make me a prisoner. Never wanted by him, but at the same time, not free to be wanted by anyone else.

I do have to be patient for the right moment though.

He's away from us now in another city and I'm much happier because of it.

So for tonight, its quiet and all is well in my world.

Tonight I'm the closest to sober I have ever been. This weekend was an emotional one. I told my husband no to spending time with me. I made my own plans and did them. I didn't accommodate him to fill in the time he was here "entertaining him." I deserve better then to be a last minute thought.

I went to my f2f group tonight. I feel so akin to these few women
that I am with as if I am entering a sorority of women who have
suffered being "pink slipped" after 20+ years of marriage. I
definitely do not feel alone.

I feel a great deal of pity for my husband. He is alone. He is
trying to control his life, trying to do it all on his own. He said
today how happy he was to see just how well I was doing and how happy
I was. I am doing well, and I am happy, because I no longer choose to
suffer and I got help.. a LOT of help. He chooses to suffer and
refuses to get help. He still insists he doesn't need to change.

He is the captain of his own Titanic. Never believing that his ship will sink.

I have a good life. I have two amazing kids that I love and
appreciate so much. He may have his freedom, but he is alone. He
should be having a party, after all he won! But he is miserable and
he is alone.

I went to sleep with a clear conscience Saturday night. I had a
wonderful Sunday being with friends most of the day and my recovery
group at night.

I did speak with him as I said this afternoon. I told him there is a
window open for him, but he has to do the work and get help. I want a
healthy marriage and you can't do that if the people in it aren't
healthy. He isn't. Until he admits it and seeks help, I will move on
with my life, and if need be, I will end it when the house can be
sold.

He did leave me with the warning that he may be seeking a new job.
He's scared that he will be laid off. That doesn't bode well for
keeping the house if he does, but I don't need to be peeing in my
present with worry about the future.

So I kept my dignity, I left an opening for him, but told him the ball
is in his court. I am giving over control of this outcome and working
on just me now.

I would love to say I'm gratefully sober as of 04/19/2009, but I
can't. I will reserve that when I can hear from and be around my
husband without any emotional pull or physical attraction, and when I
can be so filled with my own self worth and esteem that I never feel
panic again to be in a relationship.

Tonight, I feel a whole lot closer to that then I did when I first
started this blog.

It has been a stressful day.

My estranged husband woke me up today at 8 am hammering in the
basement foyer. He never called to say what time he would be here.
Not even a short email. I would have been awake and dressed. Instead
all of us were asleep. Even though I would have gotten up in the next
half hour or so, it was the weekend!

I called my friend who is not a sponsor, but is close enough of one
having been through the 12-step program with AA. We made plans to get
out of the house this evening to hear my son play bassoon. This was a
good thing, because about 2:30 this afternoon he called me on my cell
phone to ask if I wanted to go out and "do something" tonight. I told
him that I had made plans to be out. He asked to come upstairs and
just talk, but I told him no I had just started something. (I was
actually doing my nails.)

As I write this he is now taking my daughter out to see a movie in place of going out with me. He told her he wanted to spend more time with her. HA! For her sake, at least she does get to spend time with him.

I have one more day of this before he goes back to the other side of the state.

I feel so sick inside. Everything in me wanted to say "YES I'll go
with you." Anything to see him and be near him. Then my head said to
my heart, "where is your self respect?"

I am stepping out of denial now. I know there can be no future with
him. Unfortunately instead of feeling better, I feel worse, because
now I'm in full rejection.

My friend told me it was the addiction making me feel this way,
wanting to shelve my self-respect one more time to be accommodating to
him. I was just going to be "something to do." Guilt eased, mission
accomplished and back to his internet friend and his 24/7 job. There
was none of this before he had his new position across the state. He
barely looked at me or talked to me. Didn't want to go on any dates
and when we did he was miserable. Now that he has his new life, he
can be generous and kind.

I am naive and overly trusting, but even I have my limits and I'm not stupid.

I took my wedding ring off today when I did my nails, and I haven't
put it back on. I think it is time to stop pretending that I share
anything with him other then a last name. I don't need it to remember
that I have no interest in finding a replacement. For as much as I
crave a relationship, I can't stand the thought of going through this
all again.

Dogs make much better companions.

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:

"My name is I AM."

He paused. I waited. He continued.

"When you live in the past with it's mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WAS.

"When you live in the future, with it's problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WILL BE.

"When you live in the moment it is not hard. I am here. My name is I AM."

Helen Mallicoat

To put up with… distortions and to stick to ones guns come what may. This is the… gift of leadership. ~ Gandhi

The withdrawal symptoms are beginning again for me. I'm good as long as my husband is away from us, but he is coming back this weekend to work in the basement and probably sleep here as well. He keeps saying he will move out, but only after he comes back to our city full time. Who knows when that will be?

So he is coming back and he wants to try and take me to dinner and shoot some pool, because well you know, he "wants to be friends."

We did this before he left town 2 weeks ago, and it went well, but as I said then, it felt a bit too normal, and this is when I realized how much in denial I was. I was misinterpreting his "just being friends" with being "in love" with me. So, I now recognize this and I have written about it. I have spoken to this list, my therapist and my support group about it. I should have the tools now to make a healthy choice. But here I am starting to agonize about him being here.

I'm feeling the pull of wanting to put a happy face on for every one and being "okay" with it. I want to believe there is hope between us. It's me still being in denial.

I did tell him that I wasn't available on Sunday night. He doesn't need to know that Sunday is my support group meeting. According to my son, he is talking about working in the basement all Saturday and into the evening. Phew! I should be happy that means he probably won't have time to spend with me!

I should be relieved, but I'm sad and I'm feeling abandoned and ignored. All the symptoms that I'm not over this withdrawal. I'm not in control of my addiction.

So, I will write more, and read more from my recovery bible. I will read from my participant guide on dealing with the first step of letting go and admitting my powerlessness. My head is right there, it knows what the correct answers are, but my heart is still refusing to give up. I know there can be only one outcome from this, because my husband refuses to see his own need to change. He is free to live his life now away from us. He doesn't have to face his responsibilities now, but instead just "write a check" when needed. He can be a big man now around us. He can just be friends now.

I've made a plan in light of my feelings.

If he does in fact blow off wanting to spend time with me in favor of working on the basement foyer, I have plans to go out and hear my son play bassoon and then maybe go over to the local bookstore and browse. I will stay away from the house as long as I can before coming home and then going upstairs and shutting the door. I will set and keep my boundaries just like he wasn't here.

I hate feeling like this. I don't want to numb my feelings, but I will be so thrilled to get past this point where it matters to me that he is around. Twenty-three years is a long time to walk away from. I can't even imagine what it would be like to date again, and frankly I'm not all that interested unless I could fill my need for a relationship and not have to go out with anyone! :)

Okay that is a pipe dream.

I will say that I was definitely holding to my guns about Sunday. I would find it embarrassing to call the leader of my group to tell her I wouldn't be at my second meeting with them because the object of my addiction wanted to go out and play pool. I hope to get to the point where I can say no to any time I don't feel comfortable. Then I will know I am really far more sober then I have ever been.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. ~ Gandhi

I was clicking through my Gandhi quote box and this was the second quote to come up and I thought very appropriate for this series of posts I'm writing about step 1.

Step 1 again, is the admission that we are powerless. It starts by accepting our denial and stepping out of it. We move out of the center of trying to keep control on our life and turn it over to our Higher Power. For me personally, my high power is God. In Celebrate Recovery they would say it was Jesus, but for me that is one and the same.

I got a nice email from my husband tonight. I have noticed a bit different tone with him, but being as it is email, I try not to put much stock into that. One can "hear" what ever one wants to hear when reading emails, so I prefer to err on the side of a neutral voice. He did seem happy to see us this weekend, but again, I'm not going to let my heart go there. That would be stepping back into my denial that this will all be happy in the end and he will come back. I need to divorce him in my mind now. Continue moving on with my life and not be available to him whenever.

I did write another long email. I can't seem to say anything in a few words, but I thought he might enjoy hearing about the little stories that go along with having a family. I doubt he appreciates them, but you never know. I ended that my news was probably pretty mundane, but we were getting along well. What I should have said, was I'm sure it was pretty mundane, but as far as I was concerned this was what real life is about and what has real meaning. He will have to learn that for himself. He won't listen to anyone else I'm sure.

I want to get back to my thought on Gandhi.

Gandhi is saying that faith must be grown into. It is an active process. Having the faith to turn over you life to God and let him be in-control is a tremendously active process. It requires self-awareness to recognize when we are trying to take over and do things our way. It requires not accepting our excuses for why we don't turn things over, and it most certainly is an active process to read and meditate on God's word to understand his will for our lives. Yes, faith is indeed active.

There is a time when faith is tested. Faith that has not been nurtured and acted upon fails pretty easily. We call it "second hand" faith because it was never ours to begin with. Faith may be initiated by a parent or teacher, but it is up to each of us to take ownership of it. I believe that is what Gandhi was getting at.

Tonight I will re-read a short passage out of Corinthians and meditate more on my denial and how I can finally admit my powerlessness and be active in allowing God to take control.

Purity of mind and idleness are incompatible. ~ Gandhi

It's funny that I should pull that quote up first from my quote box in the side bar. In a few short words, the great teacher Gandhi speaks a full sermon. One can not be pure of mind and not act on one's principles. I would extend that to say, one can not begin to act on one's principles if one is in denial. That is where I am at.

I have been slowly coming around and doing what I know is right, but it took my husband leaving me to do that. I was in denial on what was right for myself and my family based on doing what he wanted. I took the blame for many things that he was unhappy about. I was in denial believing that it was my fault that he was unhappy and I just had to try harder and never drop my guard around him. Being human that was an impossible standard to meet. I believe that he knew that and was waiting for me to fail.

I have been breaking through a lot of denial, but I am still not fully there. So tonight I'm pulling out my first book in the Celebrate Recovery program titled "Stepping out of denial into God's grace." in which lesson 1 is on denial.

It was excellent to walk into my meeting Sunday night and have them talk about the first step. Much of what was said came from this introduction to denial. For those that may not know, step 1 reads,

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

One of the questions brought up on small group was how one could reconcile all the different addictions and compulsions people were trying to step away from in one 12-step group? I could only conclude that the addiction was just a symptom of a deeper heart issue. A longing that couldn't be fulfilled for some reason. I know in my life, I felt a serious sense of abandonment. That I was never good enough. I deserved what I got because I was some how insufficient.

That "hole in my soul" drove me to be an over achiever. It drove me through graduate school. It drove me to not accept any options for a husband that didn't fit "God's plan" as I was told it was. It kept me in denial when it was obvious that my husband didn't love me. It still keeps me from fully admitting our relationship is over.

I talk a good talk, but inside, I'm afraid. As we learned Sunday night, "fear keeps us from giving God control." Until I can let go of my fear I will never gain full freedom.

That morning I heard a story about trust. A man was working in the yard while his two boys and a neighbor boy played in a tree house. When it was time for the boys to come down, the father called to his son's who jumped out of the tree into their waiting father's arms. The neighbor boy, didn't know that father very well, and refused to jump even though he had seen his play mates hop right out of the tree. Right now, I have seen many who are farther in their recovery who have learned to trust enough to hop out of the tree, but I'm still clinging to the branches.

As I end this entry and continue on with my reading, I will close with this one thought introduced at large group.

One can not control people and expect to be intimate with
them.

My husband and I have been trying to control the other, and so we could never be legitimately intimate. I am only beginning to realize that true intimacy is not another word for sex. I have confused the physical act with being intimate. True intimacy is much more then that. It is having your emotional needs met.

That's where I really am at. I have said I need to be good with me. That's really what I mean. I need to be intimate with myself first, and the first step to that is to finally strip my denial.

I think I'm coming out of denial. I think I'm seeing things as they really are and not as I wish them to be. The problem is, that I was thinking I was farther along, but I don't think I really am. I don't have a good comparison for knowing that, but I was in group tonight and well, I guess I was really accepting a lot more crap then I really should have.

I got a short text from my husband wishing me a happy Easter, but nothing more after that. One short email, and one short text. All I have gotten in two weeks of time since he has been gone. My head is telling me that he really isn't interested in becoming my real friend. He just doesn't want us to be enemies.

I can be cordial. That is all he will get and all he deserves now.

My heart is still crying out to have him come home. To be a family again.

My heart is stupid.

Today was the best Easter I have had in a very long time. I had breakfast with my kids and my best friend. We had dinner at home and of course the Easter Bunny was here. I was in heaven. There was no stress, no under current of discontent. My son started painting the window trim in his room and his sister's. Not to mention beginning to clean the house for his guests that he invited.

I have awesome kids and so much to be grateful for.

I know there can be only one ending to this story with my husband. I will start working the first step book as I wait for the next woman's 12-step group to form up. This support group will be good as well. I saw myself tonight in light of what was defined as trying to be in control as well as denial. The hardest part is to stop saying things in my head like, "YES, that's my husband!" I have to stop focusing on him. I have to rededicate this journal to being about me only.

I'm not "better" yet. I have been feeling better with him out of the house, but I'm not "better." I'm still a relationship addict. I'm still looking for a quick fix to medicate my abandonment. I am not sober yet of my heart issues.

I am back to saying "one day at a time."

Tomorrow is Easter.

I plan to have a phenomenal holiday. This whole spring break has been wonderful. I have been relaxed and just enjoyed the time to myself. I didn't need to have a trip. I didn't need much of anything. I just enjoyed being home.

I took my kids out to brunch. I told them how proud I was of both of them. They truly have risen up to the challenge and have been a huge help. As horrible as it was to be "dumped," my kids make me feel like everything is normal. In truth, I don't see myself as much as being dumped as I see my husband of just running off. My kids and I ARE the family and for now at least, we are happier and better off.

That's sad to say, but it is the truth.

So why have I titled this "the reason for the season" Easter isn't about death, but about new life. The chance to begin again. That makes this Easter even more meaningful to me. It is the chance for the three of us to start anew.

My son and I still have trouble fully communicating, but we at least quit and step away now and come back with a more loving attitude. We try to understand the other. He really is a more perfect version of his father and I. My daughter was a bit lost tonight. She walked a bit and then came in and we did our nails and played some more of our game. She misses him so much, but even she seems happier without the stress.

It comes down to the fact that HE was the stress. With him gone we all do better. Brother and sister are more loving too each other, to me and we work as a team. This never happened with their father around. One has to think the reason was, their father!

So yes he was unhappy. He did his best to point the blame at me, but with him gone, we all are happier, so I have to think, it was never about me or the kids. He was the unhappy one, and he made the rest of us miserable.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Easter together for breakfast at church, then my son will go help with and Easter egg hunt and worship at the church he likes. My daughter and my best friend will stay at the same church for Bible study and worship. Then home for ham and biscuits and homemade applesauce. I already have their Easter baskets made up to set at the table first thing in the morning.

Yes, it will be a good Easter and the first unspoiled holiday of the year.

A season marked with new hope for a new future.

Tonight I got the best news of the day. My mom-in-law called and I got to talk to her for a bit. I had the kids send a card for Easter and she got it and called to tell the kids how nice it was. She asked to speak to me as well and we had a good chat. I was relieved to hear her say that she loved me and I was always welcome in her home.

She loves her son, but she loves me too. She was even happy to hear that I had joined a support group and was doing what I could to keep our family together. I think she knows that this will most likely not work out well and she was actually thinking I will be better off. If you don't see the depth of what she was saying, then you have never been in this position. My mom-in-law was supporting me.

I honestly do respect her, and she has truly been a wonderful mom-in-law. She was never interfering. She was always there to help whenever we asked. This was the last thing she wanted to see come from one of her own kids. She hates the whole idea of divorce. Sadly her son is under some delusion that he is better off without me. He is also under some delusion that his family has been harboring some great hatred of me. Like I wasn't good enough. He was the one that wasn't good enough.

I can't say this is how his sister feels. She hasn't spoken to me and ignored my last email. She is probably feeling some sense of fear of being in the middle. There is no middle to be in. It's my husband's doing. Not theirs.

I was just extremely relieved to know that in my mom in laws mind at least, I'm still her daughter. She and I have a lot in common that at least for us, family is the most important thing. My immediate family isn't close, and that was the last thing I wanted for my kids. I wanted us there for them. At least one of us will be. The other will be as well, but from a distance I guess.

I want to finish this entry though by saying what a joy today was. The weather was beautiful despite some thunder showers. I heard from my mom-in-law, and I found the kind of Easter candy I had been looking all over town for. The GOOD stuff, not the standard, usual stuff you see. I even got unique baskets. Finally, the kind of Easter we use to have.

My daughter invited a friend over for the night, and my son had his woodwind ensemble over to practice. The house was filled with music and laughter. My daughter and I got our hair done and our eyebrows waxed. Tomorrow the two of us and her friend will do our nails. It will be wonderful.

The grand finale was being able to play in my online game with my guild mates. We explored some of the elite areas and we got to finish my last campaign as my ranger. That was awesomeness for me. I got to do it without guilt, and with my daughter for the most part. It really was a good evening.

So, I'm not alone. I still have my mom-in-law's love, and I'm getting along just fine. I have friends. I have family.

I have me and that isn't such a bad thing to have either.

Tonight I don't want to write about me.

Tonight I don't want to write about my husband.

Tonight I want to write about my son.

My son is an amazing individual. From the first moments of his life, I looked over to him in his hospital bassinet, under a sun light and as he looked at me, I thought, "this kid is destined for something more in life." And it was true.

My son is a personality plus kid. He can network like no one I have ever met, and he is confident in himself to succeed. The moment he picked up his first bassoon, it was love at first sight, and nothing slowed him down after that. He puts everything he has into it and not just his bassoon, but his academic work. Tonight he was honored along with the other high school honor students. When he stood up to say where he would be going to school and what his major would be, he confidently announced, that he would one day be famous.

I believe him. I believe in him. No matter what else happens to our family, I know that my son will succeed.

He is ready to launch.

I honestly hate sleeping in late. I have had to get up so early for so many days, I just have been enjoying snuggling down and not answering to any alarms. Today was bad though. One p.m. is WAY too late to be getting up. Tomorrow though will have to be different. I have an 11 am with my therapist and tomorrow is my son's honor's banquet. I'm so proud of him.

I remember telling my son when he was in grade school that he had to keep his grades up so he could have choices of colleges. What I was really telling him was if he doesn't keep his grades up there won't be scholarships. I knew then he wasn't going to have the money for college because my husband and I just couldn't manage money. Everything I earned went to paying off debt, and when it was paid off, you think we would learn and keep out, but no.

One thing my husband was correct about, he is better off on his own. He has no excuses now for not setting money aside. For that I'm grateful. He has to prove now to everyone how being married to me was the reason he couldn't manage. Meanwhile, I am setting money aside. I have slightly over $1000 dollars to put toward my son's bassoon down payment. My daughter has even jumped on the band wagon wanting to put aside some of her monthly money to pay for color guard expenses.

I can't get over how both the kids are rising to the challenge. They have been amazingly supportive and want to do what they can to help out. I couldn't be more blessed. If either of these two are going to learn about how to be in a family, it will have to come from me.

This doesn't feel different then normal to me. With my husband moved out of town, I should be feeling some kind of loss, but it doesn't feel different. We are happier here. I can set rules and limits and we seem to all follow them. Why couldn't we do this when my husband was with us?

Was there really this undercurrent of discontent poisoning all the relationships? I at least feel like the kids have some respect for me now. I know they love me, and my son is more relaxed now. I'm honestly amazed at the difference. As much as I hate to say it, I think all three of us are better off.

So I don't know what to do. If my husband can mature and see his own failings to make amends would I take him back? If he doesn't but still wants to come back, would I take him back? Or is this all moot and he never comes back because of pride and ego. Would I really want him to?

If I was forced to answer that question right now, I would have to say that I am better off without him. Yes, I long for the comfort of his presence, but no longer at the expense of being second class. If I'm not first in his life, then I'm nothing. I'm getting along well with other people. I'm making friends and recognizing them in public. People stop and speak to me now.

Yup, i was given a bunch of crap to deal with, but I'm very blessed none the less.

I have two amazing kids, an amazing home for however long we can keep it, a job that is challenging and fulfilling. Although I may not have a husband, I also no longer am the victim of emotional and verbal abuse nor will I ever let that happen to me again.

Life is much quieter now and I feel much more at peace.

I really don't have too much to say tonight. I got up, I played a bit and I did groceries. I fixed dinner like I always have, and the three of us sat down and ate together. It was nice.

There is still a bit of a void left by not having "dad" there with us. I do miss him, but honestly I am much happier with him gone and so is at least my son. My daughter is better with him gone and gets along better with both myself and her brother. It makes me sad that there is little to no change with their dad gone. How could that possibly be? Was he that removed from us emotionally, that we don't notice a difference with him not here?

I never realized how little involvement there was with him in our lives. He took my daughter to taekwondo, he ran errands, he was here at night to talk too and to sleep with. Now that he is gone, I thought I would miss him more. Maybe as I look about the house and still see his presence here it isn't feeling real that he is gone? Maybe because he has left us for so long so many different times, that this doesn't seem any different?

I honestly don't know. I do know that I'm happy right now, and I'm moving forward. I'm getting help and making some new friends. I love my kids and they know it. I'm here and I won't leave. I can't even imagine the fact that their father has to be told to call his own kids, and he still doesn't contact my son unless he contacts him first. There is no point in trying to run him down to the kids, he is doing a good job on his own. If anything, I try to build him up and still make excuses.

Well he can immerse himself in work. He can chat up his friend on the web and he can swoop in and be "part of the family," when it is convenient. I really do think this whole "lets be friends" thing is because he is feeling relieved he has moved away. He knew he was finally free and had a place to go away from us. He got what he wanted most. He is far away from us.

He may think he is the happy one, but I am pretty convinced that the real happy ones are the ones that got left behind.

We remain and will always be a family. We are getting through this together. We are talking, we are fussing and crying and we are apologizing. We are trying to be better each day then the day before. We are growing together.

Sometimes the real freedom comes in mastering the difficulties of one's life, not the running away from them. That's just avoiding the inevitable.

Here we go. Too much sleep and rest today, and now it's near midnight and I'm wide awake.

I hate evenings like this when I didn't do enough during the day to be really tired. My body knows I should be asleep, but my head is wide awake. The problem with my head being wide awake, is that my head starts down paths it shouldn't. Add that to being a tad bored, and well, you get the idea.

I watched my favorite show tonight with my daughter. It was one of those shocker episodes that is going to make a lot of people, including me, very angry for awhile. That was a bit of a distraction, but now the hype has died down and I'm bored again, and awake, so my brain wanders.

I hate it when my brain wanders. I think about my husband and what he is doing right now. I wonder if he even misses me. Does he even really care. Will he grow up and want to make right what was done? I doubt it. Its just me still in a bit of denial that he would do this kind of thing. So I am typing out my thoughts in a hope of letting them go.

I'll visualize pushing the bad thoughts out again. Already i feel it working. Maybe I just can't sleep until I blog an entry. Exchanging one addiction for another? I wish I knew if this was helping someone or at least entertaining them. But in lieu of that, I will still imagine some faceless reader out there. Reading and sympathizing with me and maybe saying, "I believe in you to get through this."

I will, I know that is true. It just won't be the way I had imagined it to be.

Today was an awesome day.

I started it by attending bible study and worship services and this time I got my daughter to attend with me. I had lunch out with both my daughter and son and the day couldn't have been better for weather. It was in fact the perfect Sunday.

I finished the day by attending my first meeting of Celebrate Recovery. It is a 12-step organization that caters to a broad range of issues. I will be with other women which will help me to bond with my own gender. I really don't need to be distracting myself by scanning the room looking for men with wedding rings on or not. That is the relationship addict in me trying to find a quick relationship fix. I even did it tonight. I found a table with just women at it and that helped me stay focused. The last thing I need right now is to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

All in all, this was the best Sunday ever. I feel that I have been taking positive steps for getting my life turned about and hopefully break a major cycle of dependency.

I wish that my husband would do the same for himself. He won't though. He will convince himself that he has no problems. He will be friendly and charming and try to seduce me with his "togetherness" only to drop me and run off again. This time, I'm not alone and I will get through this by the grace of God and the support of those that are going through the same thing right now.

Find a Celebrate Recovery Group in your area.

Today was simply a beautiful day. I got my daughter out to her taekwondo class and I did some snooping and found out where my hair stylist moved too. The weather warmed up a bit as the skies got clearer and the sun shined. So I asked my daughter to mow the lawn.

No turn over of the engine!

Turned out the battery was zapped during the cold winter, so with some help from a neighbor up the road, we got a new battery and my daughter was able to mow the lawn. Now we look like a respectable member of the neighborhood! Of course with everyone mowing the ramps were in full odor. Ramps are effectively wild onion chives. They grow in early spring and become part of the new mowed smell. I sat out on my deck a bit and enjoyed the new mown lawn and was grateful to be here. My husband may have made a mess of our lives for a while, but this place has a way of making everything seem better. I love looking out at the mountains surrounding us and I feel protected. It's no wonder people don't like to move away from here.

I spoke on the phone with my husband a bit and made him realize how important it was for him to call his daughter. He was trying to not "get in the way" you might say with her busy life, but in reality all it was doing was making her depressed. He was quick to change that, and I did appreciate his sincerity. I asked him a bit later in email (after thanking him for calling her) if he intended to keep up with me as well?

He did in fact email me. I hope it will be at least weekly. I don't know what his real intent here is. I don't know if it's just guilt, or maybe he really is thinking he owes me something. I don't know. We'll see. I have to keep my boundaries up though. I don't believe the kindness is anything more then finding out what is going on. I can't let myself believe anything different. Tomorrow I will go to church, have lunch with friends, and later that evening try and meet the Celebrate Recovery group. I want and need to make new friends and especially be around women that have been through this.

Tonight I'll go to bed happy for this beautiful day. Grateful that my daughter and I despite still butting heads, seem to get along better then we have before, and grateful that so far I seem to be on track to help my son raise a deposit on a new bassoon.

Oh..and we got the lawn mowed. :)

The funny thing about not waking up thinking about my husband is waking up and making myself think of him when I don't need to. It's like there is this void where all the delusions and panic and anxiety was that needs to be filled, so I start to obsess about him. I made myself stop it today.

It will be a conscience effort for a while I guess, but I said it again out loud to a small group of my peers. "I don't love him. I can't love a man that doesn't or won't confide in me."

That is really what it comes down too.

He wants to be friends. Twenty-three years of marriage to hear he just wants to be friends. As long as he sees me as someone to play with when he is in town, then we can never be friends.

I'll be nice and cordial. I'll go out and play pool and have dinner with him if he asks, but I don't plan to invest any more effort into him. I've been investing for over two decades and like the stock market right now, there is no return on the investment.

So he can just see my poker face. He showed his cards and he is holding nothing.

Today was the first day that I didn't wake up thinking of my husband. I was actually consciously thinking of him as I was driving to work when it hit me, I HAD to think about him, not that he was present on my mind. That is a huge change for me.

Yesterday I wrote to him a few times in email and I finally said that I didn't think I loved him. I admitted something that I never thought I would say. I honestly don't feel love for him. In fact, I'm thinking its indifference. Much like he said he felt for me. He wants to be friends, but I don't see us ever being good friends.

The last two days, I asked my daughter to not contact her dad and see if he would text or call her. He didn't. It was pretty much what I thought was happening. He wasn't making the effort to call or text her even to say good night to her or ask her how her day was. She's been doing it. I think the same is true with my son. He's been the one initiating the contact. Dad is "too busy."

That is pretty much what has been going on for a long time. I stayed and cared for the kids, while he went off to work, or go on trips, and then fly into their lives, cause havoc on our routine and then get mad at me for "spoiling the good time."

I can be very cordial with him, and we may even be friends for the sake of the kids, but we will never be good friends. We aren't going to have that deep friendship that a healthy marriage needs. There can be no intimacy with a man that doesn't want anything more then a superficial relationship.

Maybe his boss did send him out there. Maybe my husband manipulated a bit to get his boss to do so. Either way, he got what he wanted. A free ticket out of town, occasional visits with the kids and do some work on the house, and then off again to enjoy his freedom while I stay and hold all the pieces together.

In time I will find someone that really loves me and in the meantime, I will watch how healthy couples behave and learn from them. I will take my time now, putting my daughter first until she is 18. Hopefully age will bring some wisdom as well as the sting of what can happen when one doesn't really consider what they are getting into.

I don't believe my husband will ever try to be a real friend. He will visit, he will have fun, but he will not put any more investment into a relationship then that. I plan to not email him until I hear from him first. If he wants to build a friendship, let him take the first step.

I'm going to be "too busy" myself making new friends and exploring new options.