My head tells me I am better off alone.

My heart tells me I need a companion.

My head wants to keep protecting me.  It keeps reminding me of all the pain and abuse.  It reminds me that the moment you try to attract someone new in, the compromises begin.  Already I feel myself wanting to change, not for my own sake, but for someone else's.  I feel all the same hurts, and disappointments and disapproval.  It is like being a kid again and being mocked for my size.

Was there ever a time someone thought I was "just right" the way I was?

Here is where the heart comes in to believe in the myth that there is someone out there for everyone.  It is a myth.  I would love the story book ending of the nice guy that just "appears" and becomes the true love of my life.  It's a myth.

So how do I turn off my heart once and for all and just listen to my head?

I can't do that, I know it - but I can't be someone for someone else either.  Not this time.  If I can't be who I am for me why do I think I can be anyone for a stranger?

There is no rush.  No biological clock.  There is no contest.  Someone that doesn't find value in me for who I am now, won't if I meet some "pre-expectation."

Time to bury the myths and time to do what I need to do to keep pushing forward.  I take care of myself because it is the correct thing to do, and in so doing, I make myself attractive to others.  It is the way things work.  When I feel comfortable with myself, I am no longer a needy person.

I have a lot to offer.  It is time to start believing that 100%.

I don't understand dreams.

I don't know if they are just replaying of memories twisted by that odd bit of curry the night before or if they are fresh revelations.

I just don't know what they are.

I do know that they are annoying for the most part.  I never seem to have "good dreams."  They seem to me to be stresses that my mind is trying to deal with.  All the hurt and fear seem to come out during my dreams.  When I was married, the dreams centered around him cheating on me and being cruel to me.  When my sister and father died, they were conversations that I wish I had when they were alive.  The oddest being my ex's father who came to me only once and said, "I'm sorry."  How odd is that dream?

Last night it was finally facing my ex and seeing the new wedding ring on his finger.  I imagine it is impressive, after all her loves her!  I always wanted to get him a new band with diamonds encrusted.  I'm glad I didn't waste the money.  However, I can't help thinking that his new band is probably pretty nice.

I guess what annoys me most is that he was cultivating his new relationship while we were married.  He groomed and pursued it instead of putting that effort into us.  I would have killed for just a 1/4 of the attention he showed her instead of the leftovers I was constantly getting.  Of course now that he has her, he will have to always carry in the back of his mind how easy it was for his lovely bride to betray her first husband.  It will always be there - no amount of affection will take back 10 years of betrayal.  I'm sure it will haunt his already paranoid mind.

So he dumps me and she dumps her husband and they quickly, and I do mean quickly consumate their love.  He is "winning" in all the same meaning as Charlie Sheen would give it.

This really should "close the book" on this sad tale.  In many ways this is the least angry and indifferent I have ever written on this topic.  I mean that.. I really am not feeling one thing at this moment.  So why am I still having these dreams?

Maybe I'm deceiving myself that I'm not really bothered by it all.  Or maybe I'm just a bit jealous that he would remarry so quickly.  I knew he wouldn't stay alone long.  I just wonder how long they will stay married?  My luck they will live out the rest of their days in total bliss while the rest of us continue to carve some new identity for ourselves.

Quite the way to find an easy mate.  Find someone else's and just conduct a nonstop cyber affair. Out of the pan and right into the fire.

God preserves the wicked.  I guess I will have to accept that they may just live a long and happy life together.

It takes a long time to refocus one's thinking away from what causes pain and put it on things more healthy.  I have to keep examining my motivations as to what makes me do what I do.  This dream, might very well be a signal that my OWN motivations are wrong.

I should not want to be with someone just to feel "normal."  Sure it would be nice to share life with another suitable person but I'm thinking that the truth of the matter is, I may be once again giving into conformity.

How many successes am I going to have to have before I realize that I am a complete and functioning adult?  When will I stop fearing the worse in things?  There are always solutions even if they aren't the most apparent.  I will find those solutions because that is what I do best.

Live long and prosper ex husband with your new wife.

You both did me a huge favor.

I'm starting to wonder if there could possibly be any more bombshells related to my ex-husband that I don't know about?

Last summer my ex went on vacation out of the country.  He met his long time internet affair.  She returned home and 9 months later had divorced her husband and married my ex.

He has finally got what he wanted for a very long time.  Evidently she has gotten what she wanted for a very long time.

Two families lay in the rubble of their broken commitments and selfishness.  One man is still in shock and is devastated from the sheer speed of it all.   I wonder often how marriages that are founded on secrets and betrayal last?

I will now continue to live day by day for the next two years in a semi fearful state that I may still lose the house before my daughter graduates.  As soon as he gets his visa to move to Australia, I am sure he will be gone for good.

Somehow, there is a positive in there - unless you happen to be one of his kids.

I wish the happy couple all the same happiness they have given to their former spouses and kids.  May they live long in their own buried guilt and rest long on a bed made of lies and mistrust.  A marriage made in hell.

And I am already bored.

It isn't that I'm ready to jump back into my classroom as much as it is not having the routine and social contact I had on a daily basis.  Trust me, I am enjoying not grading papers and dealing with 30+ different hormonally charged attitudes for the day.  What I do miss though is the time spent with friends and yes, there are a few of those "kids" that I enjoyed having around.

The good news is that I am going to begin my fifth year at school.  Not only do I have tenure, but I will have been working for five years at a Title I school.  This is very significant because it will help me get 17K of my school debt erased.

When I was married, my husband made a big point that he was going to "help me" with this debt.  Had we stayed married, this would in fact be true.  But I'm divorced now and the debt is mine.  No added help from Mr. Wonderful, whom I don't believe ever expected to be "helpful."

It is all part of that unfinished business with myself that I mentioned before.  I honestly don't want his help.

In other news, I had a few guys express interest on eHarmony, but I've not really stumbled on anyone all that interested.  I got a feeling there are a lot of delusional men out there that want Cinderella.  I do know I'm not going to have much success until I do something about my size.  I don't think of myself as "fat" yet pictures don't lie nor do scales.  Men want accepted with there bulging bellies and half shaved beards, but a woman is suppose to be trim and athletic.

Men are about the looks first and foremost.  They claim they want more, but what they want is sex.  I'm not going to sell out on being who I am now, but I know in my heart I do need to do more for my health.  It has been on my mind a lot as I swallow down 4 pills a morning and snort a steroid spray.  Something has to give or I may not be around to see 60.

I accused my ex-husband of failing to be there "for better or for worse," the challenge now is, will I be there for myself and do what I need to do to live a healthier lifestyle?

More later.