Today was and should be a happy day. Today was the last day my son would be in high school. Tomorrow we will have a pre-graduation party and then then Saturday, is the big day when he walks across the stage. I'm so very proud of him and his accomplishments despite the turmoil that has been our family life.

Aye, but then there is the rub. My husband's mother and his niece and husband will be coming in tomorrow as well. Although they are staying at a hotel, they will be here in the afternoon and for graduation. Its my hope that they leave soon after. Although I don't mind his mother, I'm not sure why the niece will be here. I really don't. She has made it clear that she doesn't like me and to come to my home must just be to rub it in my face. I don't know any other reason for doing this. I'm hoping that they perhaps will change their minds and stay at the hotel when my husband goes to pick them up. How strange can this be to have a man that doesn't even live here any longer pick up his mom to come show off the home he left? It absolutely boggles my mind.

So here I am stressing over the whole thing and allowing it to rob me of my joy for the fact that my son is graduating. Once again the narcissist I'm married too steals the lime light.

I have to draw back in. I will ask that he brings my rings back to me. It was a dumb idea to think he would commit to this marriage. So stupid of me to think he ever loved or could love me or anyone. I was happy and accepting of the fact that he was gone, and then he turned the tables around on me again. I may be fighting to come back to the center, but I will get there.

My best friend will be over before they even get here tomorrow. She will figuratively and maybe literally hold my hand through this ordeal. I have lost my faith in happy endings. My time as his wife grows shorter I'm sure. He isn't going to magically make it all better and recommit to something he was never committed to in the first place. I was the only one vested in the marriage, and I'll be the one forced into a position of ending it for the sake and sanity of myself and the kids.

He leads us on. He uses us to build his own ego up, and then runs from us when we expect something back emotionally. He is in fact, emotionally unavailable and most likely will always be.

It is better to live alone then to live with a man that treats you in a manner that leaves you feeling alone. I don't need a relationship that badly.

Take over the control God. Please, let me hand it over to you. I'm tired of trying to control this outcome at the expense of myself and my kids. Fill me with wisdom to simply know the difference between what I can and can't control because I lack in that gift.

This morning, I re-purpose myself to being a strong, independent woman who will no longer ask the question, "are you in this marriage for good?" He's had over 24 years to form the answer to that question and yet he doesn't have an answer which in itself is an answer.

Summer school isn't going to happen soon enough for me. It's time to get back to being busy with a purpose and goal. Time to put this pain behind me again and move back forward.

I don't know what is real when it comes to my husband.

There has been one overwhelming feeling though, and that has been the fact I don't think he really misses me.

Sure, he's trying to talk to me more. He's trying to work with me more. That said, I don't get the feeling that he really wants to be with me. I just hung up with him on the phone and he sounds so reassuring yet, is he telling me the truth?

How do you try and reunite your family when the key component is on the other side of the country?

I don't know. I am struggling to try and re-separate myself.

I have always had high expectations for myself and others. That is what teachers do. Its how we get our students to perform their best. That said, perhaps it is time to admit that when it comes to this relationship, I should stop expecting, stop feeling. Think only of myself and my kids.

Tonight I felt the abandonment twinge again.

Its the one feeling I would really like to never feel again.

Twenty four years ago I said yes.

Tonight I sit alone and pray that my husband will finally make the choice to come home.

I'm tired of the fence sitting and I grow impatient. I was getting it together and being independent and probably the most important thing of all, I have been happy. I chose to be happy and I pursued it. I got the help I needed and I reveled in finally finding my voice again.

Then my husband showed that he really doesn't have the heart for divorce and I built up hope again. Hope that he would come home and let us work these things out. But the more he talked the more I realize that I'm still not the one he is coming home for. I admitted that I loved him but now I have to pull it all back inside of me again. He misses family life. He misses the kids, but I don't think he really misses me.

He admitted to demonizing me and making me the root of all evil. Was I really that bad or did I just remind him that he wasn't being who he should have been? He said "I was more man than he was." I'll take it for what he really meant, but the truth is he still isn't here and I don't think it will be for a very long time.

I am beginning to think it is because of his work problems. Some people turn to God, and some people turn to their closest friends and family. Then life gets better and they move on and leave those that they had turned to for support behind. Maybe I gave support too soon. Maybe I'm seeing that once again I'm letting myself be used and he is just wasting my time so he can get what he needs and leave me nothing again?

Either way, I'm here alone for the first time in 24 years, I'm here without my husband on what was the day I really thought of myself as his wife.

I guess it is just the first in a list of things that I probably need to get use to alone.

What a weekend it was.

I know that it is actually several days removed from the weekend, but the truth is, I'm still kinda in shock over it all.

My husband was here, and it was actually a productive weekend for communication. He didn't take me for granted and made sure to ask permission to come over as well as actually had set a date for us on Saturday. I was genuinely pleased by that.

We spent a long time talking, and I think we made some productive head way. I think we have divorce off the table for now, but it could come back if he can't choose to make a commitment back to the marriage.

That really has been the problem with all of this mess. He starts something, and can't finish it or as in this case, he can't make the decision how to finish it.

So many complications in it all. He is in total fear of losing his job, and is trying his hardest to get a new job and hopefully one that will pay him more money. We need it so that our son can have more security that college will be paid and he can buy his bassoon. Meanwhile, I'm the only one with a stable job, but it pays 20K less then what my husband makes now a year.

Stresses, stresses and more stresses.

I gave my wedding ring set back to my husband. I told him that if he is willing to recommit to the marriage, then to give me back my rings to wear, and I will stand by him and take as much time as he needs to work out his emotional issues. However, if he can't do that, to give me the rings back to sell. So far no rings have been returned which is a good sign. Too soon, is almost a guarantee that he is choosing to bail out, but so may be too long.

I want him to think it through and make his decision. I don't want a quick answer. I just hope it will be the right answer.

So here I am again, trying to turn the outcome over to God and trying not to control it. The rings were a symbol of our relationship. He is holding that relationship now and will make the decision to keep it or let it go. I have to be prepared for either outcome emotionally. I do know for a fact that I am independent, and that I can get through anything.

I am a strong woman and I am a good woman. I am also a "goose" who has mated for life. The decision is in his hands now as it has always been, but if the rings come back to me to sell, then I will finish it quickly, so I can finish the final grief step and move on with my life.

So tonight I quote the serenity prayer, to accept what I can not change, to change what I can and to have the wisdom to know the difference.

I need to get back to my support group. I need to draw on that strength and wisdom as I prepare emotionally again.

I side note though. I use to just say out loud "I love you _____________" and fill in the blank. I use to insert my name in there, but I seem to finally be saying it less and less. Perhaps, the feeling of fulfillment I have in my job and with my kids is finally showing up in how I appear to be controlling my compulsive behaviors? Either way, I have noticed it less and less as something I do. I also noted that I don't seem to fantasize like I use to do. I use to act out scenes in my head where I'm the lead, and I have special gifts and powers that make me unique and powerful. Even that isn't happening as much, nor can I stay focused on it. Maybe I'm finally growing up and maturing in many things without taking away the things that help keep me young and in touch with teens.

My plastic brain may be rewiring after all.

I don't know if its the head cold, the fact that none of my students were able to earn college credit for the local tech school, or the fact that my husband will be back in town this weekend and has asked me out, but right now, I'm feeling uneasiness.

I admit that I am very disappointed about my students. They worked hard all year, and one test written and graded by a stranger determined whether they could get college credit. The test was subjective short answer and just as subjectively graded. Fortunately, most of my students weren't planning to go to NE State, but I can see I need to do some drastic changes to make this program work.

The head cold is not helping either. I'm definitely stuffy and feeling a lot of pressure on my chest from the congestion. I came home today and just slept for nearly four hours. That should make getting sleep tonight interesting as well. The good news is, I don't have to teach tomorrow. It is a work day and I plan on using it to get my final grades in for the year and start the check out procedure.

That brings me to my husband coming in this weekend. I'm not sure that it is really bothering me as much as the two previous comments, other then, he's going to be here. I still don't know why he wants to spend time with me. He really should be spending it with the kids and not me. After all, her "left me." as he likes to remind me.

I don't know honestly what to think. Somedays I couldn't get to a lawyer fast enough, and then there are days where I think that this is just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and everything will be go okay. Now I know that can't be true, and its just a fantasy. There is just this nagging part of me that says his heart isn't in it, but he's too stubborn to do anything about it to change. So in the end it comes down to the fact that no matter how much I would love to have my way in things, it isn't for me to control or decide.

Its hard to pray for him. Something I try to do between cursing him in my thoughts, but each prayer has to end the same way, "God's will, not mine." It really does keep coming back to the serenity prayer. To accept the things I can't change, change the things I can and no the difference. I'm slowly learning that difference.

I was amazed recently that after watching some of my favorite old shows that use to spark so much fantasy in me that I wasn't reacting to it. Could it be that I'm becoming numb to the whole fantasy world idea? That I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone any more? I worry that I may be shutting down emotionally, or maybe I'm learning to know the difference?

I know that as far as my students go, I will take the hit and try again. I will learn from the experience and go into it with a lot more confidence to better prepare them.

As far as this cold goes, it will run its course.

As far as my husband goes, its a cross I'll have to bare a bit longer until this whole mess plays itself out. One way or another, I will keep my head up and I will keep moving forward. I will not let him get past my outer layers or affect me any more emotionally. When the going got tough, he got going right out the door. I do feel sorry for him. He will never know how much support he really had or appreciate the things that mean the most. I have the kids and I will be here for them until it is there time to move on, then I will be there for me.

I look forward to the day I can take a cruise and visit a tropical island. I don't need my husband to enjoy life. I enjoy life just fine.

Good morning me.

Its been a while since I last wrote you. Mainly because things have been going much better emotionally. Those little peach pills do wonders for helping me keep the mood swings at bay. There are some things that I need to update you about though. Feelings that are still cropping up that I need to learn to deal with in a healthy way. Dreams that are returning, that wake me with a feeling of loss and depression.

Let's begin with the dream as it is still haunting me.

I have slept well for months. No over the counter pills to help me sleep at all. However, as I am still not past menopause, my hormones have been working on my psyche. I have suffered through almost two weeks of pre-menstrual tension with all the moods and aches. My anti-depressant pills helped a great deal keep things leveled out, but I was still short tempered.

Yesterday, I should have guessed it was time because I seemed to have a lot more energy, which was good as I was on a field trip. I really enjoy being with my upper level students. They are a joy and I am going to miss them so much. I think they did well on their end of year exam, and thanks to the instructor who was coordinating the trip, they got a wonderful field day. We took them to lunch and then to a park to blow off steam. They had their fishing poles and played on the swing sets. We got some great pictures for the day.

It hit me when I got home though. I had been nursing a headache most the day, but I was more then tired last night and then finally, my period started. The hormone cocktail along with the carbohydrates I was craving worked up the worse dream I have had in months. I dreamed of my husband again. It was bad enough that in it we were separated as we are now, but he was cruel to me again, and so was his family.

I awoke a few times and instead of just staying awake I would sink back into sleep and the dream would start up again. I was trapped in it. When I finally did awake, I felt depressed and abandoned. All the feelings that I have managed to keep control of for the past couple of months since I joined the support group.

As I write this, I know that it was just a dream. It was induced by hormones and blood sugar and water retention. It was just a bad dream.

I have been wrestling with the thought of wanting to work things out with my husband and yet, wanting to be finally free. In the meantime, I had let my finances get away from me and ended up over-drafting with the bank. I have to be more careful of my spending. I have been eating out too much. Once or more a weekend is too much. That and unexpected expenses that I should have known I didn't have the money for.

I risk beating myself up over it, but as they use to tell us as kids, there is no use crying over spilled milk. It's better just to pick up and start again. I have a day off on Monday, so I should be able to get a lot of loose ends taken care of.

This is a tough time of year. I am watching the seniors, including my own son, getting ready to leave the nest, as I watched this past week the freshmen that are the future of our program come up to be next years sophomores. There isn't time to grieve the loss of the kids that you have spent so much time and energy with, as there are new ones that need that same attention. The cycle continues as we launch out those that are ready to begin preparing those that are not.

When I look at it that way, I can never be abandoned. Its just the natural cycle of a teacher. Even with my own kids, as I launch one, there is another that needs me more then ever. When it is her time, I will launch her, and begin the cycle again with the person that needs me most.

That person is me.

There are so many things I want to see and do. So many things I couldn't with kids around. My husband ran off to follow his dreams and left me with all the responsibility. I take the responsibility because I love my kids and I would never do that to them. My husband may some day turn things around for himself, but he will never erase in their minds who left and who stayed.

In away, it was not I that was abandoned, it was him. He abandoned himself. He's the one that is out alone, separated from family that loves him, his home and all things familiar. He is the one that is truly alone.

I have pity for him. He is troubled and confused. He refuses to get help and choose to suffer. I'm not alone. I have friends, a great support group, and my kids and students. I have in my mind the things that matter.

I won't be rich, and I probably will work until I die. I won't have retirement on the beach of Charleston as I had always dreamed, but I will have happiness because I choose it. I will be content with what I have, even if its a small house or condo. I would love to stay here in this house, but it isn't meant to be. It will be sold, the mortgages paid, and if there is any left over, it will go toward a small place for me.

Wow, I'm not sure where this letter went in direction, but I know I feel better. I must keep reality framed in my mind. I have to keep working on rewiring my brain to keep thinking positively about myself and my situation.

I am my own best friend always. I will take care of me, so I can take care of those that I love.

Thanks for the chance to recheck my reality. I feel a lot better now.

Love,

Me